Keeping God on Track

God’s Quality Management Questionnaire

Help Us Regulate the Almighty– Keeping Him Accountable is Our Purpose

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol’ me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No

If not, please describe here the problems you initially encountered. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Michael Vick, Tiger Woods)
___ When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Ted Haggard
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Pro Football
___mushrooms                                                                                                                                ___sex, drugs and rock/roll

___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer. (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God’s handling of the following: (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship


1 2 3 4 5 present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water                                                                                                                     1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God’s Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

-Writer unknown

Disclaimer– This is supposed to be funny/satire. If this post offends you in any way, forgive me. God (the real one) is at work in my heart. If you enjoyed this post, praise the Lord, I am happy!


BB Book Review: “Imaginary Jesus”

“Imaginary Jesus,” by Matt Mikalatos

This was a book saturated with holy surprises.  For sure, the title seemed eccentric and I couldn’t be certain that it be worth reading.  After I read several pages I was able to use my own “spiritual” GPS and locate, and understand the “lay-of-the-land.”  There was a sense of reading something very fresh, and striding to keep up with Mikalotos.  I discovered that I couldn’t wait for the next page, which is a great indicator.

Imaginative and engaging.  If this book transformed into a person, I would immediately invite him to my living room for coffee and a conversation.  I would not hesitate.  Plot and content wise–this is a narrative of a man’s journey to what is real.  Especially in the spiritual realm of the truth, where it is best to possess what you confess.

The book unfolds with adventure after adventure.  It has a plot that seems like sci-fi.  It is both exotic and friendly, all at the same time.  If I could think out loud my impressions of “Imaginary Jesus” in a single word it would be “winsome.”  Mikalatos presses into our imaginations a journey that is both amusing as it is cutting.  It is a fun read, that is explosive and sure, it puts together for us an understanding of our own hearts in this generation.

Outside Review: “Take the theological forcefulness of Bonhoeffer, combine it with the imaginative whimsy of C. S. Lewis and the wit of Charles Spurgeon, and you get Matt Mikalatos. Imaginary Jesus marks the debut of one of today’s most prominent young Christian writers. “(Gary Thomas, Author of Sacred Marriage and Pure Pleasure )


I purchased my book direct from for $10.19 USD.

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: BarnaBooks (March 18, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10:9781414335636
  • ISBN-13:978-1414335636
  • ASIN:1414335636
  • Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.6 x 0.5 inches
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars.  (134 customer reviews)
  •  Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #75,518 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

American Idols, the Next Season


“And though they worshiped the Lord, they continued to follow their own gods according to the religious customs of the nations from which they came.” 

2 Kings 17:33, NLT


Exclusive worship is not exactly the first choice of an outwardly religious people.  It can be offensive to the spiritual sensitivities of a people wanting an extra edge on blessing and favor.  We like to hedge our bets and cover our bases.  Worshipping Jehovah alone goes against all we feel and believe from a earthly viewpoint.

Idol worship is alive and well in America.  No longer restricted by carvings of stone or wood, we have ascended to worshipping concepts, or ideas.  For example, “materialism” used to be worshipped as a Golden Calf.  Today it is a god that is worshipped by many in a completely re-done format.  Go down to the Financial District of New York or San Francisco and you will see it laid out pretty obvious. Great effort and considerable activity is given to follow this idol.  Actually an idol is anything we love, find security in, look to instead of God.

Sex, power, music, art, politics, education, popularity and sports are open to people who want to worship.  The ritual of this kind of worship is easier and more prevelant then ever.  Christian believers are hardly immune.  People who fear God alone are rare.  We perpetuate attitudes and ideas that we pass on as our “values” to our children.  It is no wonder they rebel.  Often in their innocence they can see right through our hypocrisy.

We are specialists in spiritual syncretism.  It seems we have achieved a level of sophistication that idolatry and true worship have been blended to our tastes, and we swallow it all with minimal discomfort.  Heck, it even tastes good!  And it gives us so much in return (we think).

As we worship other things, we become enured to the truth.  We begin to actually prefer the taste of lies (as long as they are blended well).  Many times I have sampled other things, typically convenient and attractive.  Like a mineral vein in a mine shaft, it runs very deep and hidden.  It typically starts off small, and not hardly noticeable.  But it works its way through our minds and hearts.

When we first start worshipping an idol we have feelings of guilt and shame. Deep down we know it is not right (Isa. 45:16; Psalm 106:36) It is an universal truth that idols, in their mirage-like characteristics, lead us to spiritual poverty and confusion.  Since we become hardened by this false worship, we hardly notice.  When people (or books) speak truth to us, we will typically become angry and defensive.  We are pretty protective of our favorite idol.  Typically, if there is hostility, there you will find an idol.

Idolatry is running rampant through our culture.  It is not something we have “outgrown” as a civilization, rather we have “grown into it”. There now exists a sophistication to idol worship that the ancient Israelites lacked.  We have developed a blend that denies nothing and promises everything.  And any commitment to exclusive truth is regarded as fanaticism, hate and bigotry. 

“Little children, keep yourself from idols.”  1 John 5:21

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