Tag: trials

The Manna Test

Then the LORD said to Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 

 Exodus 16:4, NIV

 

Just imagine, for a moment, that it is raining bread outside right now!  We got to see this!  We run outside and and are pelted with rye, and caraway and pumpernickel.  Bread!  Its everywhere, all you want, just pick it up.  It piles up like a yeasty hail, and it doesn’t seem to diminish, its everywhere!  We call the kids, ‘Bring buckets, and clean garbage bags’!

God has directly intervened in the life of Israel.  He becomes the exclusive producer of manna to the children of Israel.  He decides to give, and then He pelts them with His goodness– bread, delicious bread, fresh and warm, and they say it comes from heaven!  This is the ultimate!  BREAD!  This is far beyond anything I could imagine.

But if we clear away the piles, and draw near to those whom we assume know something, we will be struck by a sense of the reality of God.  The others grab on the basic idea; but we are shaken, to the core.  We come out, clinging to a God who loves us and intensely cares for us.  ‘He is real, and He loves us!”  And all others can see– are the piles and piles of bread.

 God has done something drastic, something right  ‘on the edge of reason’.  We encounter Him, (or He encounters us) and we get involved, whether we like it or not.  The decision will be a foundational and a concrete one.  It really is much, much more than bread from heaven. But will we connect the dots?

Even though we see the supernatural bread piling up, we need to be aware we are being ‘tested’.  So much of this test, really isn’t one at all.  It’s the sixth day that catches us.  Do we, who have become dependent on this supernatural supply, trust Him to provide on the Sabbath?  Maybe He will he just ‘blink-out’ and leave us hanging?  Maybe we should gather more, before He fails us?

We have to come to this clear and classic place.  I believe it is the real starting point.  Exactly how will you accept “free bread”?  Will I honor Him through it all?  (We are being ‘tested’ folks.  We are on the ‘clock’.)  The rub comes when we just don’t see it.  We turn, not so much as to reject what is obvious, but to take on that which is authentic.  If we will just do this, we will pass the test.

BrokenBelievers: My Story, Redux

 

Hello!

My name is Bryan Lowe and I guide this blog, BrokenBelievers.com. I’m also a Christian pastor and Bible teacher who struggles with a ripping case of Bipolar Disorder I, and a walloping dose of Hepatitis C  (which I contracted using IV drugs.)

I have a burden for a blog that will concern itself with the challenges of mentally ill Christian believers, as well as key issues such as brokenness and humility. These seem to be critical issues, but are largely ignored and misunderstood by the mainstream church. The following list has all happened in the last five years. My shaky faith has been really challenged by these events.   

  • Death of our daughter, Elizabeth
  • Chemical burns to my lungs due to a workplace accident
  • Diagnosis of Bipolar disorder
  • Brain tumor/surgery ( I now have to walk with a cane)
  • Hepatitis C with encephalopathy issues, chronic nausea
  • Panic Attacks, (loads of fun!)
  • Non-healing sores, a low immune system (yes, I do vitamins)
  • Currently on daily meds–Lithium, Seroquil and Zoloft, (mood-stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants.)

As you can well imagine, ministry became almost impossible, doors quickly closed as word spread. After all, who wants a psychotic pastor? I had several hospitalizations due to Bipolar disorder, esp. when I have had suicidal tendencies/self-harm issues. I have scars on my wrists from very bad times. I suffer from paranoid delusions and hearing voices. For obvious reasons, I resigned as a senior pastor, which was hard because it was the only thing I ever wanted to do. Sometimes, I feel like Job from the Old Testament (and my poor wife, “Joblynn”  has endured as well). I really, really struggled with anger towards God. I still fight with this when life grows dark. So this is what I have had to deal with. From this I want to speak into the darkness, and try to help any who also seek help. I want to be the guy handing out flashlights to the desperate people in the dark. Jesus frees us and leads us to hope. His Word is trustworthy, and his spirit is gentle. 

BrokenBelievers.com is making ministry available to the huge numbers of God-loving Christian Believers who struggle with mental illness.  As Jesus’ disciple, just how much trial am I expected to take, and exactly how do I live?  I would really like it if you had time to go through the web site. There are approximately 130 posts and find something that “rings your bell”. I know that that is a lot, but the list of contents is found in the left column, and a new post is added almost everyday. 

Favorite Thoughts–For now, I offer up some quotes that have personally helped me through the murky darkness. 

  • “God rescues us by breaking us, by shattering our strength and wiping out our resistance.” –A. W. Tozer
  • “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”–Mother Teresa
  • “Our life is full of brokenness – broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives.” –Henri Nouwen
  • “The power of the Church is not a parade of flawless people, but of a flawless Christ who embraces our flaws. The Church is not made up of whole people, rather of the broken people who find wholeness in a Christ who was broken for us.”–Mike Yaconelli
  • “I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.” –John Newton
  • “It’s not about perfection; it’s about our intimacy with God, or our connection, our relationship with God. Once we get through that, once we realize that we can be imperfect, flawed, broken; those kinds of things are the ingredients of spirituality.”–Mike Yaconelli
  • “If the church remains self-righteously aloof from failures, irreligious and immoral people, it cannot enter justified into God’s kingdom. But if it is constantly aware of its guilt and sin, it can live in joyous awareness of forgiveness. The promise has been given to it that anyone who humbles himself will be exalted.”-Brennan Manning

Favorite Authors–My favorite authors are the ones who minister to me in my pain and issues. These books are gold to me, and I scour the web looking for their teachings. I don’t follow men, but I do receive from their ministries.  If you follow any of these writers, you will get a sense of where I am coming from, and what exactly is the scope of this blog.  If your curious, drop me a line and I’ll be happy to share more. 

  • Mike Yaconelli– Messy Spirituality; Dangerous Wonder
  • Eugene Peterson– The Message Bible; A Long Obedience in One Direction; Subversive Christianity
  • Brennan Manning–The Lion and the Lamb; Ragamuffin Gospel; Abba’s Child
  • John Piper– When the Darkness Will Not Lift; Desiring God 
  • Henri Nouwen–The Wounded Healer
  • Anne Lamont– Traveling Mercies : Some Thoughts on Faith.
  • Kay Redfield Jameson– Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament; An Unquiet Mind
  • Georges Bernanos– A Diary of Country Priest
  • AW Tozer, anything– The Pursuit of God
  • Francis Frangipane–The Place of Immunity
  • CS Lewis– Grief Observed; Mere Christianity
  • Dietrich Bonhoeffer– The Cost of Discipleship; Life Together
  • English Standard Version Study Bible–Great version!

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BB Thoughts for Saturday, 11-14-09

crossred“The Lord afflicts us at times; but it is always a thousand times less than we deserve, and much less than many of our fellow-creatures are suffering around us. Let us therefore pray for grace to be humble, thankful, and patient.”    John Newton (1725-1807)

Rambling thoughts…. 

For the person who believes, this can be a real thorny issue. Can a God who will and can afflict us for our good, can he be trusted?  There are some who suggest that God is intentionally malicious; like a young boy pulling the  wings off of flies in bored amusement, to watch them scramble about.  I am certain this is not the case.

Those of us with mental illnesses who are believers will face this issue fairly often.  I get terribly depressed, to the point of despairing and even suicide.  One of the inner dialogues that happen, is “Why?”  “Does God know?”  “Does he care? ” “Why is this happening to me?”  You know what?  Only God knows, and he is not telling.  Sometimes we just have to live with questions.

The believer must accept this at face value.  It really doesn’t matter.  You face the fiery furnace, and that is a fearful thing.  But whatever transpires, our trials teach us about love, especially when we find a fellow-sufferer.  I have found that mentally ill people are almost always good, gentle people.  They have finally learned how to love, they generally have the scars to prove it.

To get stable, a prayer life should be established in our lives.  (If you have tried and tried, I would recommend getting prayer beads.)  Praying will clarify things and settle things.  Luther once said that just like “a cobbler’s task was to make shoes, so a Christian’s is to pray”.  Prayer is real-life for the believer.  It is a shot of adrenaline into the heart of a dying man.  I take my meds and I regard prayer as one of my other medications.  Prayer for me is both an anti-depressant and a mood-stablizer.  It is that significant.