Tag: bipolar disorder

Some of My Paintings

Here are some paintings I’ve done over the last few years. I hope that they bless you somehow.  All were painted out of a long season of deep depression.  Painting these (and a lot of others) was the only thing that kept me sliding off the edge.  Some might ask, how can you create these out of your Bipolar Disorder?  To be honest, I am just as mystified as you. None of these are ‘perfect,’ But made in a time when I was under a certain ‘strain.’ But they are what they are.

One of my favorites.

“An artist has been defined as a neurotic who continually cures himself with his art.”  (Lee Simonson)

“The Bipolar Mind”

“Three Crows Having Lunch”

All of these paintings have been given to various non-profit organizations, for the handicapped and the mentally ill.  To me, that is the place they belong. “If you have two loaves of bread, keep one to nourish the body, but sell the other to buy hyacinths for the soul.”  (Herodotus)

Kachemak Bay, Alaska (with moonlight)

Straight on view
This was painted when things were really bad.
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“California Poppies”

Joy Means ‘Strength’

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“Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.
    They will enter Jerusalem singing,
    crowned with everlasting joy.
Sorrow and mourning will disappear,
    and they will be filled with joy and gladness.”

Isaiah 35:10, NLT

Part of our personalized history includes an opportunity to have a rich contact with ‘joy’.  Joy really has its introduction with our redemption.  When grace latches on to us we find ourselves soaked with gladness and real joy.  It is as if we stepped into a waterfall of mercy.  It has divine origins.

Isaiah speaks of joy as a crown.  To have a crown is a great thing.  When we discover our new headgear is a crown, we can find joy.  People who are troubled and distracted about their salvation are rarely joyful.  Without the confidence of the Holy Spirit, joy cannot find a place to settle, so it moves on.

Let’s be very clear– joy is not happiness, or cheerfulness.  It is not found in great worship, or a rousing time of singing.  Joy is actually strength in God and it is the primary way of defeating the enemy.  It will drive Satan and the demons back into the darkness.  When we are cloaked in joy we will push through a great number of obstacles and leap over fortress walls.

Joy is listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit.  This means a lot of things, but it definitely means that we cannot fabricate it or develop it in our lives.   Joy is one of those proximity indicators.  When we more closely approach the Lord we find ourselves percolating with a deep sense of joy.  We are where we belong.  And our soul knows it.

“I will also clothe her priests with salvation: and her saints shall shout aloud for joy.”  

Psalm 132:16, KJV

A good analogy for me is this. Joy is the box we get to open to get to the salvation that’s waiting inside.  When we look at the subject of the believer’s joy we discover that it is a quality and a fruit of our relationship with God.  We can’t ‘develop’ it, or make it happen.

No one is ever commanded to produce joy on demand.  It will come when by faith you step up to fully receive your salvation.  Joy is not an option that only a few people get.

“Joyfully you’ll pull up buckets of water
   from the wells of salvation.
And as you do it, you’ll say,
   “Give thanks to God.” 

Isaiah 12:3, MSG

The joy is waiting for you, and when you have it, you will wonder how in the world you ever lived without it.  Believers will find that joy will be the freshness to follow Jesus in a very beautiful and delightful way.  And those who have a disability or a ‘mental illness’ will find joy to be God’s way of boosting us through hard times.  And this will be the very thing we’ve been waiting for.

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Yearning for Sonship

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The world is an intensely flawed place. Nothing is as it should be, yet. Our hope is in God”s will to recast it a new heavens and new earth. The Lord has started to redeem it, commencing with us.

Things aren’t in order yet. But they will be very soon. We pray, “thy kingdom come, thy will be done.” This earnest prayer echoes and resounds in heaven. It is the believer’s heart-cry. It is our dream. Soon– but not yet.

22 “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”

Romans 8:22-25, NIV

We add our groans to a creation already groaning. We lament together with the cry of a woman giving birth. It is a holy agony. But the contractions have started, and soon there will be a new birth.

 “As we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship” is our passion– it is what we are waiting for. I suppose this is at the core of our faith– sonship. And to walk out of this present darkness as whole men and women, cloaked in the Father’s holy glory.

As a man who struggles with mental illness here I am. I deal with this everyday. The meds, the hopelessness, and the depression. I have to be reminded that this is temporary, and that I will be redeemed completely. I will not be bipolar forever. My shuffling and scootching will get me to my goal eventually. I trust Him implicitly.

Brokenbeliever, don’t lose hope. Hold on to the faith that will fully redeem you. It won’t be long now.

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Brutal Honesty: Self-Control

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“A person without self-control
    is like a city with broken-down walls.”

Proverbs 25:28

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

2 Timothy 1:7

There is no harder subject for me to broach than this one. It splits wide open a Number 10 “can of worms.” The issue is this: what is my mental illness, and what is my “flesh?” I suffer from Bipolar Disorder (and a mild form of epilepsy). But I am also an evangelical Christian believer.

So what is what? If this BP is causing extreme behavior, am I somehow exempt from the control of the Holy Spirit in my life? (Now this maybe easy for some of you to figure out, but I’m still contemplating here. Please bear with me on this.) I like things explained to me.

People are very complicated, and there are seldom any lines drawn between emotion/spirit/body. At any given time we all operate on different levels. For instance, my body maybe cold; but I’m praying quite fervently in the spirit. I can have a toothache and be really angry at Lynn (my wife). I never feel the need to analyze these actions.

Having zilch self-control is one of many bipolar symptoms. Believe me, my life has been completely devastated by snap decisions that carry terrible implications. I also habitually excuse my impulsive behavior by…

  • compartmentalizing, (categorizing everything as different)
  • rationalizing, (reasons behind ‘bad’ behavior)
  • and justifying my bad choices, (The devil made me do it).

My Bible tells me that the Holy Spirit is present to give me self-control. I believe this truly. But way too often (actually, most of the time) I’m focusing on trying to eliminate the negatives like bingeing, isolating, obsessing or plotting. I completely ignore the positives, like worshipping, praying, reading devotionally, or fellowshipping.

The vaunted “fruit of the Spirit” cannot be found in my carnal life. (If I may, allow me to change metaphors on you.) Suppose you had a real nice car sitting in your drive-way. It’s a real beaut. But since you don’t have the key, you must push it to make it go. It’s really tiring and you feel like giving it up all the time. (A trip to the store takes hours and hours.)

Silly you say? Yes. But no sillier than trying to live a Christian  life without the Holy Spirit. You see its his presence that allows you to live an impossible Christian life. My mental illness causes me a lot of grief. It affects me tremendously, as well as my friends and family. I must take meds to ease the worst of its disturbing symptoms. But there is supernatural help.

16 “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.”

Galatians 5:16-17, NLT

To be guided into the “fruits of the Spirit” is imperative (see Gal. 5:22-23). We’ve a tendency to accentuate the “deeds of the flesh” to our own detriment. As mentally ill people we must turn this on its head and invite the Holy Spirit to energize us.

My BP symptoms are no match for His presence. If anything they force me to helplessly call out to Him. This is a supernatural transaction that is mandatory to becoming Christlike. My physical weakness can be the backdrop for walking out convincing discipleship. Trust me, to live like a “receiver” is far better than trying to live like a “generator.” (But you  probably already knew that.)

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