A few weeks ago in response to a poetics prompt to write about a first time for something, I thought of something that I have only done once, and am thankful I’ve never had happen again. But there are people who have had this happen so many times they maybe can’t even remember the first time.
My prayers are with them, my hope that they recognize the lie that suicide is the answer to pain and suffering and that our loved ones would be better off if we were dead.
Not Better Off Dead
Clearly I recall the first time the thought entered my mind They’d be better off if I was dead
I immediately knew it was wrong but still a method to my madness began to form in the recesses of my deeply troubled mind
I could picture the bottle of pills designed to make me better but could just as easily be my demise
Then they’d be free, I’d be free
The Psalmist wrote The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them That first time His angel was encamped around me
He delivered me from that first thought made me know it was wrong ensured it was the last time that thought ever entered my mind
Now we are free and together because the Lord let me know I was not better off dead
I write candid memoir and fearless poetry and delve into hard issues others tend to avoid. I want you to know God’s redemption and healing are just a story away.
It’s a Psalm written in black ink on black paper. I can’t find a glimmer of light in its 18 verses. Psalm 88 is the worst psalm in Scripture. Strangely enough in Hebrew, the last word of the last sentence is “darkness.” I suppose that explains a lot about its content and significance.
Within its dark words, we see and hear much that we’d rather not.
A commentator describes Psalms 88as “the public confession of persons excommunicated.” Others suggest that the writer has discovered he has the physical disease of leprosy. This Psalm is bitter and hard. Its companions are the book of Job and Lamentations. They’re part of the Word of God we would rather forget.
As believers in Jesus Christ, how do we deal with such awful darkness?
I dare you to read verses 3-5 of Psalm 88. They pronounce the depth of the afflicted:
I’ve had my fill of trouble; I’m camped on the edge of hell. I’m written off as a lost cause, one more statistic, a hopeless case. Abandoned as already dead, one more body in a stack of corpses, And not so much as a gravestone— I’m a black hole in oblivion. You’ve dropped me into a bottomless pit, sunk me in a pitch-black abyss.
Psalm 88 is nothing less than a scream of pain directed at God.
It’s the almost animal screech of the human heart that encounters the worst. Some would suggest that a believer is immune from this kind of darkness, that as a believer in Christ’s victory we’re exempt and delivered from these things.
Explain that to the man who loses his family in a car crash, or to the woman who has just been told she has leukemia. What about the young girl who has just been brutally attacked and raped? Where is God then?
Is there room in your personal theology for such terrible darkness?
We’re not immune from tragedy as believers. It’s a part of living in a fallen world. If anything at all, pain teaches us things we’ll never learn in the sterility of a classroom. If we’re going to survive this suffering it will mean we’ll need to throw ourselves on God like never before.
God has not suddenly lost control of the universe, or, of your life.
If we turn to God in faith, like a little child, we will be led (far too slowly it seems) through our hard (impossible?) things. And we’ll understand what faith really is, and we’ll learn how to love like never before.
We are following Jesus and He has led us to this grief for His reasons.
Most jewelers will display their most precious diamonds on a black background. Perhaps that helps us sort this out. Hebrews 12:5-13 is a bit of a challenge. In theory, we grasp it, but in reality, it’s bittersweet. The sweet part is His closeness–we’re sons and daughters!
“Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?”
Hebrews 12:7, CSB
Bring your pain and suffering into His tender light, and do so repeatedly. Let the gentle arms of the crucified One hold you close. Pour your heart out to Him-if you’re broken then bring Him the pieces. I encourage you to not waste your sorrows.
We’re to be energized by contact with God’s Spirit. He fills us up, enables us to run full tilt, stretching and straining. The muscles in the neck popping out, and lunging for the tape. This is Paul’s understanding of his daily walk.
Paul was an athlete in the Spirit.
These days, developing a spiritual athleticism would not be such a bad idea. We live in a society where we sit and watch the NFL: there are 22 men on the field, desperately in need of rest, and they’re surrounded by 50,000 people desperately in need of exercise. We have become a society of observers and that is a shame.
God loves us, sent his only Son to die for us. God sets us up with a energy-packed, Red Bull. And I respond with an anemic, 2% milk religion. And that perhaps is the real tragedy.
There’s a real tendency for entropy as a follower of Jesus. Things have a real tendency to wind down, and start moving in the opposite direction. I think all of us can relate to the “Sunday Syndrome.” In this truly wonderful world of fellowship, worship and the Word we seem to come together. Life is good on a Sunday morning. And it should be.
But we wind down, and by Thursday we have sinned and compromised a hundred times or more. Life is not good on a Thursday afternoon. Because of our mental illness this degradation downward is usually worse. We experience a whole lot of shame and guilt. And that poisons our spirits.
Throw into the mix some depression, anxiety, or OCD and it makes consistency even harder. It’s a challenge to maintain a credible Christian walk. It’s kind of the deflated feeling four hours after downing three Red Bulls.
Paul, always an interesting fellow, described his own personal walk with Jesus in Philippians 3:10f. in the Message Bible.
10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.
12-14 I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this…
“...but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
Can you really tap into all of that energy?
Paul is downright aggressive here, he models a “muscular Christianity” that pushes through every obstacle, whether within or without. Most of our translations use the word “work” when translating “effort”. The Church fathers used the word “energy” instead. There is a distinction.
Energy, or “energize” denotes an outside source for power. I energize my electric razor when I plug it in at night. It takes a charge and runs accordingly on demand.
We are told to press in, and to reach.
We’re to be energized by contact with God’s Spirit. He fills us up, enables us to run full tilt, stretching and straining. The muscles in the neck popping out, and lunging for the tape. This is Paul’s understanding of his daily walk.
Paul was an athlete in the Spirit.
These days, developing a spiritual athleticism would not be such a bad idea. We live in a society where we sit and watch the NFL: there are 22 men on the field, desperately in need of rest, and they’re surrounded by 50,000 people desperately in need of exercise. We have become a society of observers and that is a shame.
God loves us, sent his only Son to die for us. God sets us up with a energy-packed, Red Bull. And I respond with an anemic, 2% milk religion. And that perhaps is the real tragedy.
“But when some of the Jewish religious leaders saw him eating with these men of ill repute, they said to his disciples, “How can he stand it, to eat with such scum?'”
Mark 2:16
“When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; 13 when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.”I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children.”
I Corinthians 4:12-13
My ministry is “Scum of the Earth Teaching Ministry.”
Here is the teaching I gave on “How Scum Hear His Voice” given at a home fellowship group given on February 9, 2020, Homer, Alaska.
It was a bitterly cold night, with lots of wind, but the fellowship was very good. and the wood stove was a blessing. After this teaching, we had a good time praying and took communion.
Broken Believers 