Most people who meet me today would never guess the trauma I’ve been through. And when I was drowning the depths of major clinical depression, I couldn’t see it was that trauma that was the catalyst for my misery. I’m not sure I have it all figured out, even now, though it is clearer than it once was.
The thing about my story is that the trauma part is all too common. Rape and abortion are traumas that happen to far too many women (and sometimes men) in this broken world we live in. Healing sometimes feels impossible. But I am living proof that it is not.
Although I still struggle with depression at times, it is quite mild in comparison to what I endured for almost a decade in my late twenties and early thirties. I no longer feel like all hope is lost. In spite of my trauma, I am living and thriving in God’s grace.
I’d love to share my story with you in the hopes that it would be for you a light in the darkness you feel stuck in. I was blessed to be asked to tell my story on a podcast and you can listen to that podcast episode here: https://heartofthematterradio.libsyn.com/linda-kruschke-overcome-past-hurts-final. I do hope it blesses you to listen as much as it blessed me to be able to share. Thanks for reading. I love you.
We want our presents in pretty paper All wrapped up in a shiny neat bow We want our faith to be the same So our doubts and struggles never show
Yet the greatest gifts aren’t neat and tidy Like the manger birth steeped in blood A child born like any other babe With the addition of dirty stable mud
And Christ’s willing sacrifice on the cross After flogging caused welts and spit adorned The bleeding brow of the King of kings Ringed by crowds who mocked and scorned
Each trial and loss we face in life Can draw us closer to the God we need If we don’t bury the doubts that rise But seek the gift each death has freed
Open the messy presents He gives To find healing for all of life’s woes Remember when you grieve the most The Babe born to die for you knows
For more Christmas poetry, check out my latest poem on Anchored Voices blog. It’s called My Favorite Name.
Trials are hard, and at times they seem to suffocate us and weaken our walk with God. David shares with us his own difficulty in these six verses.
A Very Brief Commentary of Psalm 13
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? 2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
V. 1-2, David believes that he has been forgotten. A phrase is repeated an astounding four times, “How long?” It seems that impatience is a significant issue for him. It makes David ‘human,’ he’s not a marble statue in a museum!
Often when it gets this outrageous, we desperately look around to find anything to fill the gap. Anything.
Something else struck me. Within these two verses, you’ll find five hard questions. Whenever you find a question in the psalms especially, you must stop reading and take a closer look–why is he asking this?
V. 2,“Anguish…sorrow, every day.” Somehow David is alert enough to recognize (and admit) that his life is saturated with real difficulty. It seems it comes and when it comes there’s no relief– it’s a constant, gnawing, challenging pain which can be physical, emotional, spiritual (or all three at once).
Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. 4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
V. 3,“Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.” (I love this version–“sparkle“). David knew that life could be exceptional, it was meant to gleam and shine. There is much more than just breathing to life. He instead speaks of being restored.
V. 4, Also, he is quite aware that his life is being threatened. The word, “gloat” is an interesting translation. It has the idea of “relishing someone else’s failure.” The dark prince savors your defeat. He has been looking forward to this desperate moment. The enemy rejoices at each of your failures.
But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. 6 I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.
V. 5,“But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me.” The Lord has covered David with His hand. His life has been saved by a love that never falters, weakens. or hesitates. He knows that no matter what happens, God has rescued him.
Notice how David responds to the great trial of his faith and the wonderful goodness of God:
I trust.
I rejoice.
I sing.
V. 6, Tremendous. When we finally get to this last verse, we see that we have truly traveled with David. And we have learned how to sing, even if we’ve lost everything and we live in constant pain. It doesn’t really matter any more. What a good teacher David is.
Jewelers display their gems on a black background. The darkness intensifies the brightness of the jewels. They become even more beautiful to look at. David is singing and praising the Lord for His nearness.
Anyone who has read much of my blog, Linda Kruschke’s Blog, knows that I love music. I’ve devoted my Monday posts to music topics and many other days end up including a music component, too. Music can lift my spirits, give me encouragement, and get me moving when I’m down. But over the years I’ve learned that not all music has this positive impact.
Many years ago I listened to a lot of grunge music. It was my favorite genre in the late 80s and into the 90s. This was a time in my life when I was struggling with major depression, and I liked grunge because it expressed how I felt.
I remember when my dad died in 1993, I kept listening to the song “Indifference” by Pearl Jam. I won’t post the video because it’s not a song I want to encourage anyone to listen to. But the first four lines sum up the gist of the song:
i will light the match this mornin’, so i won’t be alone watch as she lies silent, for soon light will be gone i will stand arms outstretched, pretend i’m free to roam i will make my way, through, one more day in hell…
Listening to this song never made me feel better, but I just kept listening to it, missing my dad, feeling alone and like I was living in hell.
We all know the old saying “misery loved company.” I think that is the draw of music like grunge or the blues, to know that someone else understands your misery seems comforting. But when the music doesn’t end with hope or any words of encouragement, it’s the wrong company to be in when a person is struggling or feeling down.
We all have times of struggling.
Loved ones lost or physical or mental illness we can’t find a cure to, of lost jobs, or spiritual or emotional pain that just won’t end. When those times come, there is a lot of great music out there to lift your spirits and give you hope. That’s the kind of music I choose to listen to these days and the kind I like to share on Monday.
I still love to listen to the blues, but preferably when things are going well in my life. At these times it is a reminder of the struggles of this life that we all endure so that I remember to be compassionate towards those I encounter who may be struggling and to be thankful for God seeing me through my own struggles.
“Sing out your praises to our God, our King. Yes, sing your highest praises to our King, the King of all the earth. Sing thoughtful praises!”
Broken Believers 
