Originally written August 29, 2013 and shared today hoping it will bless someone.
“I’m must show myself; things are not going well, to be honest. I’m becoming more and more fragmented. And I can’t seem to hold it together. Essentially, I mentally can’t keep it centered on the things I know are right and appropriate. My mind is in a muddle, and my heart is not far behind.
I can’t go on like this. I have to confess that I’m spinning out of control. There are too many issues that hammer me, without any resolution or finality. I need a “booster shot” of grace. (Perhaps, maybe an I.V. would be better.)
All I want is to escape, and to shake off these ‘parasites’ that sap me of any strength I might generate. Far too many things are draining me of any vitality and hope. Despair and despondency have suddenly shown up at my door, but I treat them as unwelcomed visitors, and hope they will leave me alone. All they want to do is take me apart, and dismantle me, and I seldom advance beyond this. I haven’t invited them.
This simple blog has kept me going. The posts that I write are sincere, and I know for a fact they touch many hearts. I’m astonishingly grateful for this. But they can’t minimize my own issues. I am constantly on the edge, a step one way or another could push into a desperate fall. (Funny, I’m starting to scare myself.)
I have a deep confidence in Jesus. I believe that he loves me in the most intense way possible. I trust in his deliberate and careful love. Resting in his arms is the very best thing I could do. He is the only one who can lead me through my mental illness. Or to give me the grace to move above it.
I do not want to offend or alienate anyone. That simply is not what I am about. But I simply can not try to take Brokenbelievers much further in this ‘frame of mind.’ I will try to post as often as I can– but both my therapist and psychiatrist want me to go into a hospital. I have already been there several times and I do not want to be admitted any time soon.
The next several days should be interesting. I’m definitely committed to avoiding hospitalization. The “professionals” I trust are trying to commit me, but I do intend to make a scrap of it. “I will not go lightly.”
Please try to be patient with me. I want to post, it runs through my veins. But I simply don’ t have the resources that extend into transparency and clarity. Please forgive me. There’s is no way I can make this work without avoiding a “shutdown.” We will see.
kyrie elesion, Bryan
(Lord, have mercy on us.)
- Are You Ready (spiritministries.wordpress.com)
- Why live in fear? (lifeoutsidethebirdcage.wordpress.com)
- From Past to Present to Future: Rejecting the “Victim” Label (thejourneyforwomen.wordpress.com)