A few weeks ago in response to a poetics prompt to write about a first time for something, I thought of something that I have only done once, and am thankful I’ve never had happen again. But there are people who have had this happen so many times they maybe can’t even remember the first time.
My prayers are with them, my hope that they recognize the lie that suicide is the answer to pain and suffering and that our loved ones would be better off if we were dead.
Not Better Off Dead
Clearly I recall the first time the thought entered my mind They’d be better off if I was dead
I immediately knew it was wrong but still a method to my madness began to form in the recesses of my deeply troubled mind
I could picture the bottle of pills designed to make me better but could just as easily be my demise
Then they’d be free, I’d be free
The Psalmist wrote The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them That first time His angel was encamped around me
He delivered me from that first thought made me know it was wrong ensured it was the last time that thought ever entered my mind
Now we are free and together because the Lord let me know I was not better off dead
I write candid memoir and fearless poetry and delve into hard issues others tend to avoid. I want you to know God’s redemption and healing are just a story away.
We’re to be energized by contact with God’s Spirit. He fills us up, enables us to run full tilt, stretching and straining. The muscles in the neck popping out, and lunging for the tape. This is Paul’s understanding of his daily walk.
Paul was an athlete in the Spirit.
These days, developing a spiritual athleticism would not be such a bad idea. We live in a society where we sit and watch the NFL: there are 22 men on the field, desperately in need of rest, and they’re surrounded by 50,000 people desperately in need of exercise. We have become a society of observers and that is a shame.
God loves us, sent his only Son to die for us. God sets us up with a energy-packed, Red Bull. And I respond with an anemic, 2% milk religion. And that perhaps is the real tragedy.
There’s a real tendency for entropy as a follower of Jesus. Things have a real tendency to wind down, and start moving in the opposite direction. I think all of us can relate to the “Sunday Syndrome.” In this truly wonderful world of fellowship, worship and the Word we seem to come together. Life is good on a Sunday morning. And it should be.
But we wind down, and by Thursday we have sinned and compromised a hundred times or more. Life is not good on a Thursday afternoon. Because of our mental illness this degradation downward is usually worse. We experience a whole lot of shame and guilt. And that poisons our spirits.
Throw into the mix some depression, anxiety, or OCD and it makes consistency even harder. It’s a challenge to maintain a credible Christian walk. It’s kind of the deflated feeling four hours after downing three Red Bulls.
Paul, always an interesting fellow, described his own personal walk with Jesus in Philippians 3:10f. in the Message Bible.
10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.
12-14 I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this…
“...but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
Can you really tap into all of that energy?
Paul is downright aggressive here, he models a “muscular Christianity” that pushes through every obstacle, whether within or without. Most of our translations use the word “work” when translating “effort”. The Church fathers used the word “energy” instead. There is a distinction.
Energy, or “energize” denotes an outside source for power. I energize my electric razor when I plug it in at night. It takes a charge and runs accordingly on demand.
We are told to press in, and to reach.
We’re to be energized by contact with God’s Spirit. He fills us up, enables us to run full tilt, stretching and straining. The muscles in the neck popping out, and lunging for the tape. This is Paul’s understanding of his daily walk.
Paul was an athlete in the Spirit.
These days, developing a spiritual athleticism would not be such a bad idea. We live in a society where we sit and watch the NFL: there are 22 men on the field, desperately in need of rest, and they’re surrounded by 50,000 people desperately in need of exercise. We have become a society of observers and that is a shame.
God loves us, sent his only Son to die for us. God sets us up with a energy-packed, Red Bull. And I respond with an anemic, 2% milk religion. And that perhaps is the real tragedy.
Living in darkness no color I see a hint of deep blue maybe red– but no, only blackness
Tears flood the darkness trying to wash away the blackness to reveal the color I know must be near
I’ve heard stories of vibrant yellow sunshine smiling green trees happiness in rainbows streaming across a pale blue sky
But in the darkness these colors are but myths draped in blackness obscured by the pain I feel
Then suddenly the Light comes dim colors revealed to my eyes for my heart to see
The Light drawn by my tears came to wash away the blackness tears alone could never heal
The colors of my world brighten day by day as the Light illuminates the truth of colors that were always just outside the darkness
“Land of Zebulun and land of Naphtali, the way to the sea, along the Jordan, Galilee of the Gentiles— the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.”
Matthew 4:15-16 (NIV).
This poem was originally posted on my blog, Linda Kruschke’s Blog, about my own struggles with major depression and the Light who has helped me see the beautiful colors depression had obscured.
“This Gospel anticipates a world far different from C.S. Lewis’s Narnia,where it is “always winter, and never Christmas.” But the promise of the Gospel is that it is always Christmas.To be “in Christ” is to enjoy each morning as a Christmas morning with the family of God, celebrating the gift of God around the tree of life.”
–Kevin Van Hoozer
Christmas can be a torment and tribulation for so many. I have no doubt it brings grief. Family, friends, finances– mixed liberally with heavy doses of materialism and manipulation will always bring us issues. The music and decorations are mostly mere Novocaine (which doesn’t always work). Stress builds up. And we want none of that.
Being mentally or physically ill often accentuates these issues. I’m not sure why exactly, but suicide increases during this season. Perhaps the challenges Christmas brings just overwhelm a person who is struggling hard just to make it.
“Christmas is for children. But it is for grown-ups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and a nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chilled hidebound hearts.”
–Lenora Mattingly Weber
As I think about Christmas, it is helpful for me to see it as a “mirror.” It is my reflection back to me. What we see, is who we are. If we have issues in our own life, the Season will just magnify them. But this doesn’t mean its bad, far from it. There is always conflict, but this spiritual combat can bring us success. Some things must be fought for.
I’m convinced that in all of this, there is opportunity.
The chance to connect to “Christmas”. The very idea is quite strange. But Christmas can be an exquisite treat. It is made by mixing love and truth in generous portions. As we look hard for it, there is something that moves us to a place far beyond us. Grace makes us to stand and look, perhaps for the first time.
When we truly process this, we’ll find “Christmas”. And honestly, it is more than a holiday. For the Christian, it is special time. And yes, there will be times when it is trying, but in my own thinking, Christmas has become a time of great joy and anticipation.
It won’t take much, maybe a little imagination on your part.
But those things you do may ignite and become a blaze that will direct them through their lives. Be kinder then you need to.
“The universal joy of Christmas is certainly wonderful. We ring the bells when princes are born, or toll a mournful dirge when great men pass away. Nations have their red-letter days, their carnivals and festivals, but once in the year and only once, the whole world stands still to celebrate the advent of a life. Only Jesus of Nazareth claims this world-wide, undying remembrance. You cannot cut Christmas out of the Calendar, nor out of the heart of the world.”
Broken Believers 