Category: an intense love

Jesus Help Me, I’m Knotted Up, Again

gordian-knot
“Why should you be like someone confused, like a mighty warrior who cannot give help? Yet you, O Lord, are in the midst of us, and we are called by your name; do not forsake us!”

Jeremiah 14:9

Twenty three years ago, I started this blog–

Looking back on it has been very helpful.

In recent weeks I’ve gone through a time of profound confusion. My grip on reality has been tenuous at best. I’ve had a struggle with a depersonalizing sense, I seem not to “see” reality as I used to. Everything seems increasingly odd, and disjointed. I see myself outside myself.

Everything is knotted up, again.

I have had bouts with this before. And yet every time the Father has “fathered” me. I have been led through each bout. In many ways, the clinical depression has changed, now it slams. It used to be kind of low grade, kind of a grey fog, a steady and tedious despair, but now it’s more like a black lightning bolt.

I have had suicidal urges and thinking. I hate handling a kitchen knife, as I get the urge to plunge it into my chest. It’s funny like that, I call out to Jesus and He truly does find me.

He straightens out my knotted life only as He can.

History:

This blog initially started off in September 2009 following the idea of “broken believers.” Perhaps it was overly ambitious. But my heart’s desire is to be transparent and very honest. I still want to see this happen, and it does, sometimes.

I know I am not some super-saint with just the right answer for everyone. If I ever made this impression, please forgive me. Believe me, I only want His gentle presence to touch broken people.

For you see, I am the broken believer that writes this blog.

 

Facing Down Your Dragon

“For I am ready to fall,
    and my pain is ever before me.”

Psalm 38:17

Over 85 million Americans live in chronic pain. That’s amazing. Maybe you’re one of them and maybe you just want to understand — perhaps you have a friend or family member who is hurting. They’re facing their dragon and that can be a challenge.

Pain can be constant, or, it can be intermittent. It shows up unpredictably. One never knows when. But believe me, it is terribly real, even if it’s not continual. I look at my dragon in the eye far too often. Way too often.

There are different kinds and various levels to it. Healthcare people often use the Numerical Rating Scale (NRS). Pain is ranked by numbers between 1-10, the higher the number the greater the pain.

Christians are part of that 85 million. We’re not immune just because we believe in Jesus. Some of us will hurt.

Coping with Chronic Pain

  • Learn all you can about your particular issue. I’m constantly looking and hopefully learning all I can, I want to be an expert. Research things. Google and Wikipedia can be deep reservoirs of knowledge.
  • Learn how to worship and pray in a brand new way. Things have changed now and seeking Him becomes a challenge, and, it can be easier.
  • Insomnia
  • Depression or anxiety, or both.
  • Fatigue, or stress.
  • Mood swings.
  • Doctors and meds.

Advice to Caregivers

I have to warn you, severe pain can make your dear one irrational. Pain can get so intense that you will find it impossible to relate to the sufferer. I once had a fierce battle with Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) in both forearms. Most doctors rate this as one of the worst types of pain to have.

Morphine didn’t help. Lynnie (my wife) could only watch and pray as the dragon kept attacking me, over and over. She watched me writhe in pain and she was pretty much helpless.

I was very angry, wildly rude and terribly mean. I was frustrated because I couldn’t communicate how bad the pain was. Over and over I tried to share how I was feeling, but words were not enough.

Some advance the idea that you need to find enough faith to be healed, but what about having enough faith to live in constant pain?

“Pain is no evil, unless it conquers us.”

     Charles Kingsley

He Wears the Crown

He Wears the Crown

“A Christian is not a person who believes in his head the teachings of the Bible. Satan believes in his head the teachings of the Bible! A Christian is a person who has died with Christ, whose stiff neck has been broken, whose brazen forehead has been shattered, whose stony heart has been crushed, whose pride has been slain, and whose life is now mastered by Jesus Christ.”

John Piper

“No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.”

John 15:15

It seems that the purpose of life is not to find our freedom,  it is really meant to find our Master.

The idea of being a slave to anyone is repugnant–a blow to our pride. We chafe at this, and yet man was never meant to be separated from the Lordship of Jesus. We’re instructed repeatedly with the New Testament idea that “our life is not our own”  Over and over God proclaims Himself as the King.

That really can trouble us somewhat.

Not so much when life is fairly good, granted, but in those hard moments when a decision must be made between enjoying the titillating “lusts of the flesh,” or accepting the fruits of the Spirit. This is one of those “lordship moments.” They come and go, and they show us exactly who we are. We cannot escape this–it’s part of our faith.

If you’re really going to be authentic–that is to be a legitimate and real disciple, then you must determine who is going to be in charge, and this isn’t one of those casual decisions. Your decision must become a settled issue.

You must fix your decision in your heart.

The thief on the cross knew salvation, he was promised an eternity with God simply by faith. But I submit to you that he had put himself under the Lordship of Jesus, simply by recognizing the sign, “the King of the Jews.” I believe he saw and understood its implications. Jesus was King! He knew and understood.

This is a very hard word for some, but so many of our personal issues hinge on this

I know this first-hand. It’s a monumental struggle. You must admit to not only having Jesus as your Savior, but you also must put your life under His total Lordship.  You need to pick up your cross daily in order to follow.  You need to learn how to kneel in total surrender to  Him.

I’ve chosen a crown to open up this post–it’s done on purpose.  I simply want you to understand the supreme call He has on your life.

You must learn here and now how to kneel before the Sovereign King. 

Your resistance to His lordship will end up bringing total pain. You MUST bow and accept Jesus’ crown– to recognize His lordship over every area of your life.

 If you look up into His face and say, “Yes, Lord, whatever it costs,” at that moment He’ll flood your Life with His presence and power.

     Alan Redpath

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My Scapegoat

“And Aaron shall lay both his hands on the head of the live goat, and confess over it all the iniquities of the people of Israel, and all their transgressions, all their sins. And he shall put them on the head of the goat and send it away into the wilderness by the hand of a man who is in readiness.”

Leviticus 16:21

The ritual was profoundly simple. Every year two goats were brought into the Temple. Goat #1 was sacrificed for the sins of the high priest. Goat #2 was not killed, but became the “scapegoat.” The priest would lay his hands on its head, and the nation’s sins would be transmitted and then carried to the desert.

This ritual finds fulfillment in Jesus Christ, for He absorbs our sin and carries it away.

Scripture is clear on this. Maybe this might help. Back in the 1970s I remember sponges printed with a politician’s advertising his platform/promises. At first the sponge was paper thin. But when you added water it expanded into a full-size sponge.

For some weird reason that communicates what happened at the cross. Jesus received my sin, darkness, and iniquity. He absorbed it all, and I’m free. He is my scapegoat. He carries all of my dark darkness.

“Surely He has borne our griefs (sicknesses, weaknesses, and distresses) and carried our sorrows pains [of punishment], yet we [ignorantly] considered Him stricken, smitten, and afflicted by God [as if with leprosy].”

Isaiah 53:4, Amplified