Category: counseling

Hardly Indispensable: A Leader’s View

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13″ The next day, Moses took his seat to hear the people’s disputes against each other. They waited before him from morning till evening.

14 When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, “What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?”

Exodus 18

Often your father-in-law will observe things clearly and honestly. I believe most can perceive situations that our own fathers will overlook. I think this is because our own fathers are often functioning out of their hearts.  They are emotionally attached. But a father-in-law has a different view.

Jethro has come, most likely to escort the grandkids, and his daughter. He is probably quite curious about Moses new direction. Jethro has only known that his son-in-law as a shepherd. But now, things are changing quickly. And Jethro is praising God for what He did over the Egyptians.

Jethro is enthusiastic. But he is also alert and aware. As Moses schedules his day, Jethro sees an inordinate amount of time given to judging, not leading. He watches and than asks some questions. This is the sign of good correction. Moses faces these questions really well. He is a great model for teachability.

Leadership is almost always a shared work.

Many aspects of it should be collaborative and plural. The singular view of leading people– out of my own resources alone, will not end well. Moses was teachable and Jethro needed to share this word of correction. If Moses had not took the wise advice of Jethro, they would’ve died in the desert.

When Moses released these things to others who were qualified, he commences on a new understanding of ministry. He actually becomes a better man because of the advice of Jethro. He must become “expendable.”

24 “Moses listened to his father-in-law’s advice and followed his suggestions. 25 He chose capable men from all over Israel and appointed them as leaders over the people. He put them in charge of groups of one thousand, one hundred, fifty, and ten.26 These men were always available to solve the people’s common disputes. They brought the major cases to Moses, but they took care of the smaller matters themselves.”

None are ever indispensable and no one can do everything. We may try, but that usually is ego. We will do better if we will relinquish control. I think that the Father designs it this way.

Dwight L. Moody once said that he would rather put a thousand men to work than do the work of a thousand men.  I believe that is a Kingdom concept that we should activate.

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The Wonder of Abigail

She is known for her wisdom
She is known for her wisdom
Narrative from 1 Samuel 25
 

If she were a man, she would have been a prophet. She is wise, and very beautiful. That’s quite a combination. Her husband, Nabal, is a crude and rude, nasty dude. He cheats most he has dealings with. He is also a wealthy man, and he has had previous contact with David’s men. It seems that David provided protection for Nabal’s sheep and shepherds. Definitely a good thing to have in the wild and woolly Judean wilderness.

David sends a delegation of 10 men to ask for some special provisions. This would be a small  recognition of the service rendered by David’s men. Please note: Their simple request was not burdensome or excessive. They were not asking for wages, they just wanted a nice diversion– a party was anticipated. It was sheep shearing day.

Nabal essentially mocks this delegation. He laughs at them, calling them bandits who are in rebellion from King Saul. (Nabal, I suppose may have been trying to appeal to Saul.) Nabal sends the delegation away, with nothing to show for their efforts.

David is beside himself in anger, his men have been denied– and he has been publicly mocked. He quickly puts together a small army and moves directly against Nabal. His force  is enough to destroy everyone. His heart is full of vengeance. He moves to destroy Nabal. And then Abigail shows up.

Abigail is magnificent. She has been warned of Nabal’s insult that has triggered this potential massacre. She takes the initiative and launches out to meet David. She carries the deep scent of grace and humility with her. And she brought the provisions he had initially requested.

At the first sight of David, she throws herself down. She pleads for her people, and begs for mercy. It is interesting that she focuses on David himself. She appeals to David’s reputation, and seems more concerned about it than he does. But her intercession is more effective. In humility she speaks to David with a visible brokenness. She reminds David of his true identity. She declares to him, who he really is, and how he should behave, as a result. And David desperately needed to hear her voice.

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Lynnie, my Abigail

Abigail deserves any focus we can place on her. Many years ago, a man placed his hands on my shoulders and prophesied. All I remember is this, “Your wife is an Abigail to you, she will be a source of wisdom and understanding to you. Listen, for she will be your wisdom,” This is the most significant word anyone has ever said to me. It has really shaped our marriage of 24 years.

Understand dear reader, my wife Lynn is my Abigail. She consistently brings me back to my true calling and purpose. She will not let me shake off my holy summons. Her words press me, and guide me into a place where I finally see His direction and purpose for me. She is God’s gift to me. I desperately need her to speak into my life. She is truly my wise Abigail. I am sure that her eternal crown will exceed mine.

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ybic, Bryan

Cheryl Meakins Horizontal 300x200I recently have been introduced to Cheryl Meakens. She has a wonderful blog at http://www.meakinsspeak.com/.

I encourage you to visit her site. I believe she has something good for you.

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Profound and Certain Issues

Walking through a wasted world

As stumbling and struggling believers in God’s grace, we gather in a simple circle and wonder out loud.  There are many things that perplex us.  We share notes and try to make sense of our Father’s sovereignty and grace.  Sometimes, it seems He is out to get us.  I remember reading a saint, she said something like, “[God] no wonder you have so many enemies, when you treat your friends so shoddily.” (You can tell that I’m working on my attitude here.)

But it isn’t that he is out to “get” us.  It is more like he is out to “make” us.  A distraught woman who just lost her children in a house fire sobbed bitterly. It was obvious that she was completely broken and shattered. She turned to a close friend,  “What is God doing to me?”  Her dear friend, an older saint, quietly spoke with a profound wisdom. “Honey, He has just now started to make  you.”

Beware of giving counsel.  As I age, I’m starting to see how stupid that really is.  The human heart has pain that only God, the Father can discern.  I really think it is more  important to love, than to be right.  It has taken me decades to come to this place, and I’m still not sure I’ve settled into this. (But isn’t something God might come up with?)

We can guide, but we can’t direct.  We can give out a road map, but honestly it seems that is the best we can do.  I’m of the opinion that Job’s friends have a real need within themselves– to be “counselors.”  They seem to fulfill a selfish interest when the give their friend directions.  They want so much it seems, to be regarded as perceptive and astute.  They seem to be like Boy Scouts trying to get their “merit badges.” Often people in ministry are this way.  It’s like it is an occupational hazard, that pastors, elders and counselors must be aware of.

We live in a twisted world, and we are all trying to make our way through it. We often are clumsy and bumbling. But there is an acquired humility and a gentleness that drips slowly on our own hearts. This how wisdom is secured. This is a wonderful work of God’s grace that ends up changing us.  Surely He is making us, and the promise is that when it is all said and done–we will be like Jesus.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

Philippians 1:6, NLT

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ybic, Bryan

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Sins That Stick to Your Heart

It is often quite difficult for people to forgive themself from their past sins.  We have a tendency to hold ourselves to a stricter, more accountable level then other people.

I usually don’t have a big problem forgiving others.  But for many people they will struggle through their entire Christian walk with both self-forgiveness and its cousin, self-acceptance.

 Self-forgiveness is:

* Accepting yourself as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.
* Letting go of self-anger for your past failures, errors and mistakes.
* No longer needing penance, sorrow and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted, personal offense.
* The act of self-love after you have admitted your failure, mistake or misdeed.
* The spiritual self healing of your heart by calming self-rejection, quieting the sense of failure and lightening the burden of guilt.
* The act of letting go of the need to work so hard to make up for your past offenses.

Negative consequences of the absence of self-forgiveness
In the absence of self-forgiveness, you run the risk of:

* Unresolved hurt, pain and suffering from self-destructive behaviors.
* Unresolved guilt and remorse for self-inflicted offenses.
* Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward yourself.
* Being caught up in unresolved self-anger, self-hatred and self-blaming.
* Defensive and distant behavior with others.
* Pessimism, negativity and non-growth oriented behavior.
* Having a festering wound that never allows the revitalization of self-healing.
* Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.
* Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem and low self-worth. 

Signs of the absence of self-forgiveness.  Lack of self-forgiveness can result in:

* A loss of love for yourself.
* Indifference toward yourself and your needs.
* An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.
* Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self.
* Disrespectful treatment of self.
* Self-destructive behaviors.
* Self-pitying.
* Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors and offenses.
* Suspicions about others’ motives, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs when they are accepting of you.
* Chronic depression.
* Chronic hostility, sarcasm and cynicism.
* Self name-calling, belittling and self-demeaning behaviors.
* Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.
* Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self-esteem.

 Irrational thinking preventing self-forgiveness

* I hurt myself so much; how can I ever expect to be forgiven for that?
* No one deserved the treatment I dished out, and I do not believe that forgiveness is deserved in this situation.
* I am sick over what I did; how can I ever forgive myself?
* I must be inherently evil, and I am despicable. No forgiveness will ever change that.
* I am vicious and cruel, and I always need to be on guard because of that; so why try to forgive what I have done?
* It is a sign of weakness or softness to forgive myself. I must always keep my guard up so as never to repeat my wrongdoings.
* There are some things I can never forgive myself for.
* Only God can forgive me, though at times I don’t believe He can for what I have done.
* What has happened in my life is God’s seeking revenge for all the evil I have done in the past.
* I have done too much for which I can never be forgiven.
* I am just seeking my forgiveness so that I can come back and hurt myself again.
* I do not deserve any self-kindness, self-compassion or self-forgiveness for what I have done to myself or others; I’ll see to it that I am never able to forget it!
* All people who do wrong deserve the worst that life has to dish out.
* I resent myself for hurting myself or others. It is better for me to be hidden behind my wall so I don’t hurt anybody again.
* If I could treat myself or others that way, then I am undeserving of being forgiven, loved or cared for.

 New behaviors needed to create self-forgiveness.  In order to forgive yourself you need to practice:

* Letting go of past hurt and pain.
* Trusting in God’s goodness. Trusting in the goodness and mercy of God to take over the burden for you.
* Letting go and letting the Holy Spirit  lead you during a hurtful time.
* Believing in the infinite justice and wisdom of the Lord                                                                                                                                                                                                                    * Letting go of fears for the future.
* Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.
* Taking a risk.
* Letting go of self-hostility, resentment and self-destructive behaviors.
* Working out your self-anger.
* Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward and getting back on the wagon of recovery immediately.
* Developing a personal spirituality.
* Developing an openness to the belief that you can change.
* Developing trust in yourself.
* Open, honest and assertive communication with yourself concerning hurts, pains and offenses experienced.
* Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself.

 Two Steps to Develop Self-forgiveness.
 

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive yourself, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions.

A. What do you mean by “self-forgiveness”?
B. Have you ever forgiven yourself before? How did it feel?
C. Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?
D. What role do you feel self-forgiveness has in your growing down? How could you improve?
E. How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?
F. What are the signs of the absence of self-forgiveness in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends or co-workers? With whom do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors or misdeeds? What feedback do you get about this wall you have been hiding behind?
G. What beliefs block your ability to forgive yourself? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
H. What new behaviors do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive yourself?
I. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive yourself? The lack of it?
J. For what do you need to forgive yourself?

 Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in self-forgiveness, you are ready to work on a specific past failure, mistake, error or misdeed.

A. List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.
B. How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this past hurt?
C. What feelings come to mind as you recall this past hurt?
D. How would you describe your role in this past event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
E. Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you treated yourself or others?
F. What did this event do to your self-esteem and self-worth?
G. Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?
H. Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?
I. Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?
J. How can you forgive yourself?
K. How can you put this incident behind you?
L. How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?

 ybic, Bryan

 

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