This poem was written for someone I love who struggles with bipolar disorder. Though I have suffered through depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, I can never truly understand her pain. I want to help but I am at a loss as to what to do.
I wanted to share this here so those who suffer from mental illness might know how your suffering breaks the hearts of those who love you but don’t know what to do.
A Broken Heart of Love
This searing pain in my heart I wish it would go away I pray for it to leave me But it is love I would be hollow without it
I watch you drowning in a sea of turmoil and fear I reach out my hand, the one connected to my broken heart “It’s okay, the sailing’s fine,” you say
I walk away, thinking perhaps my eyes deceive me and you are not drowning, or else why would you say otherwise? I know you would not lie
But still this pain deep down inside my aching heart reminds me that you are not fine, the sea is not calm
The storm rages but I cannot rescue you You cannot see my hand reaching through the darkness beckoning you to dry land
Does being in prison change a person? How would it affect you? I imagine the Apostle Paul’s frustration. He loved to disciple and establish churches. To be confined like this would be quite difficult. What a spiritual trial it would’ve been. Me, personally, I would have definite issues. I made a list. I probably would be:
Angry? Depressed?
Frustrated? Anxious?
Full of self-pity?
Isolated, lonely?
Frightened?
During his imprisonment, I’m sure that the Apostle Paul had to work through all of these things–I’m certain that Satan tempted him repeatedly. I think the man Paul had dealt with the enemy through all of this (and more besides). Most feel that he would be imprisoned in Rome for at least two years. That’s a long time.
It’s generally agreed that he wrote the four epistles in 60-62 AD. These letters are regarded as written from his prison cell in Rome: Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, and Philemon. Each of these four is different. (But admittedly, Philemon is the most unalike.)
And yet the scent of the prison can be found in these writings.
Despite the possible response of an incarcerated man, Paul’s writings from the Mamertine Prison are incredibly encouraging–he shows none of the issues of a man locked in a cell–but yet there are hard things he must deal with. Take a second to look at some direct references to his imprisonment.
“I appeal to you, instead, on the basis of love. I, Paul, as an elderly man and now also as a prisoner of Christ Jesus,” (Philemon 9.)
I am going to Jerusalem, constrained by the Spirit, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies to me in every city that imprisonment and afflictions await me. But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God (Acts 20:22-24).
“For this reason I, Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus on behalf of you Gentiles,” (Ephesians 3:10).
“I, Paul, write this greeting with my own hand. Remember my chains. Grace be with you.” (Col. 4:18).
“I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ.” (Philippians 1:12-14).
“The following night the Lord stood by him and said, “Take courage, for as you have testified to the facts about me in Jerusalem, so you must testify also in Rome.” (Acts 23:11).
It’s clear to me that Paul used this time to witness through his writings. He never grew bitter, only better. One could suggest that it’s we have been blessed by these epistles. His time in prison was the time he needed to bless us today. Where would we be without these books?
A papyrus fragment from Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians.
How many times was Paul imprisoned? Was he jailed once, twice, or several times? I’ve read different commentaries and they can’t decide. It’s a challenge to put together a solid timeline. There seems to be more evidence for two different confinements. Check out this site if you want to dig deeper.
But no matter what. These writings are God’s gift to us today.
From a dark prison, Paul writes these absolutely incredible letters. I believe Satan wanted to destroy Paul. I also think that this was a tremendous trial for him. He was a spiritual dynamo, wanting to establish and strengthen churches and then being chained to a wall must’ve been a challenge for him. There was so much for him to do.
But we desperately needed these letters!
Perhaps, out of our confusion and challenges, God’s purpose goes far beyond what we think. Sometimes we have no idea what our “imprisonment” is going to do. That encourages me. He turns our hard times into spiritual gold!
Through these letters, we’ve been given so much. These epistles are written from Rome’s dungeon, and yet they continue to shake the world!
“I couldn’t do anything without rituals. They invaded every aspect of my life. Counting really bogged me down. I would wash my hair three times as opposed to once because three was a good luck number and one wasn’t. It took me longer to read because I’d count the lines in a paragraph. When I set my alarm at night, I had to set it to a number that wouldn’t add up to a ’bad’ number.”
“I knew the rituals didn’t make sense, and I was deeply ashamed of them, but I couldn’t seem to overcome them until I had therapy.”
“Getting dressed in the morning was tough, because I had a routine, and if I didn’t follow the routine, I’d get anxious and would have to get dressed again. I always worried that if I didn’t do something, my parents were going to die. I’d have these terrible thoughts of harming my parents. That was completely irrational, but the thoughts triggered more anxiety and more senseless behavior. Because of the time I spent on rituals, I was unable to do a lot of things that were important to me.”
People with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) have persistent, upsetting thoughts (obsessions) and use rituals (compulsions) to control the anxiety these thoughts produce. Most of the time, the rituals end up controlling them.
For example, if people are obsessed with germs or dirt, they may develop a compulsion to wash their hands over and over again. If they develop an obsession with intruders, they may lock and relock their doors many times before going to bed. Being afraid of social embarrassment may prompt people with OCD to comb their hair compulsively in front of a mirror-sometimes they get “caught” in the mirror and can’t move away from it. Performing such rituals is not pleasurable. At best, it produces temporary relief from the anxiety created by obsessive thoughts.
Other common rituals are a need to repeatedly check things, touch things (especially in a particular sequence), or count things. Some common obsessions include having frequent thoughts of violence and harming loved ones, persistently thinking about performing sexual acts the person dislikes, or having thoughts that are prohibited by religious beliefs. People with OCD may also be preoccupied with order and symmetry, have difficulty throwing things out (so they accumulate), or hoard unneeded items.
Healthy people also have rituals, such as checking to see if the stove is off several times before leaving the house. The difference is that people with OCD perform their rituals even though doing so interferes with daily life and they find the repetition distressing. Although most adults with OCD recognize that what they are doing is senseless, some adults and most children may not realize that their behavior is out of the ordinary.
OCD affects about 2.2 million American adults, and the problem can be accompanied by eating disorders, other anxiety disorders, or depression.It strikes men and women in roughly equal numbers and usually appears in childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood. One-third of adults with OCD develop symptoms as children, and research indicates that OCD might run in families.
The course of the disease is quite varied. Symptoms may come and go, ease over time, or get worse. If OCD becomes severe, it can keep a person from working or carrying out normal responsibilities at home. People with OCD may try to help themselves by avoiding situations that trigger their obsessions, or they may use alcohol or drugs to calm themselves.
OCD usually responds well to treatment with certain medications and/or exposure-based psychotherapy, in which people face situations that cause fear or anxiety and become less sensitive (desensitized) to them.
“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.”
Psalm 139:14
“God is not a duplicator, He is a Creator. You are an original.”
-Reinhard Bonnke
The Bible states many wonderful things. One of them is that we are created in the image of God, and I’m quite certain that each of us are shaped completely different. I recently read that an estimated 117 billion people have lived on earth. That’s amazing; and to think we are all unique.
Sometime ago I found my Grandmother’s Bible.
I was somewhat intrigued, and I supposed that it might just ‘impart’ some special spiritual blessing to me. I sat down on the couch, and reverently opened it up. It was filled with wonderful handwritten notes.
As I sat down to read it though, I slowly began to realize that it was exactly like my own! The verses and the promises were the same, they had not changed. What was true for my grandma was true for me. That amazed me, and it kind of sent me spinning. But I suddenly started thinking.
Each of us struggles differently.
We endure depression, PTSD, schizophrenia, even suicidal thoughts. We struggle with different addictions and lonely divorces. There are those believers who are epileptics or disabled. There are some of us who have been raped or molested. I have a paralyzed right arm, and am typing this with my left hand. I also struggle with depression and anger.
Each of us are the same in a basic sense, and yet we are all distinctly different. We all have gone through things, some good, some quite awful. These issues are uniquely our own. Our “personal” testimony with God is unlike someone else’s. We respond to our different circumstances in different ways.
We are “snowflakes’ that have been artistically crafted. Our circumstances are individually tailored by God, who is the ultimate Artist. I opened this post with the idea that God creates “snowflakes,” and I’ve been told that every one of them is unique.
I do believe that when we stand before God we will all have these fantastically different stories. Each of us have found forgiveness, mercy and grace that the Lord freely gives us. As “grace-walkers” our life can be mixed with His love, filtered through a myriad of circumstances.
And they mix exceedingly well.
Reading the Word we must realize that each man or woman who walked with God had a different story to tell. We rightly consider them in amazement. And yet none of them knew they were special at the time, all they understood was “the daily grind.”
We can trust Him. We slowly begin to see, and understand, that there are implications of being ‘snowflakes.’ God took Joseph and ‘molded’ him by His unique circumstances, he went from prison to the Prime Minister overnight. Each of us has testimony of His incredible care.
“People are special, and human life is sacred, whether of not we admit it. Every person is worth fighting for, regardless of whether he is young or old, sick or well, child or adult, born or unborn, or brown, red, yellow, black or white.”
Broken Believers 