A few weeks ago in response to a poetics prompt to write about a first time for something, I thought of something that I have only done once, and am thankful I’ve never had happen again. But there are people who have had this happen so many times they maybe can’t even remember the first time.
My prayers are with them, my hope that they recognize the lie that suicide is the answer to pain and suffering and that our loved ones would be better off if we were dead.
Not Better Off Dead
Clearly I recall the first time the thought entered my mind They’d be better off if I was dead
I immediately knew it was wrong but still a method to my madness began to form in the recesses of my deeply troubled mind
I could picture the bottle of pills designed to make me better but could just as easily be my demise
Then they’d be free, I’d be free
The Psalmist wrote The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them That first time His angel was encamped around me
He delivered me from that first thought made me know it was wrong ensured it was the last time that thought ever entered my mind
Now we are free and together because the Lord let me know I was not better off dead
I write candid memoir and fearless poetry and delve into hard issues others tend to avoid. I want you to know God’s redemption and healing are just a story away.
“But when some of the Jewish religious leaders saw him eating with these men of ill repute, they said to his disciples, “How can he stand it, to eat with such scum?'”
Mark 2:16
“When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; 13 when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.”I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children.”
I Corinthians 4:12-13
My ministry is “Scum of the Earth Teaching Ministry.”
Here is the teaching I gave on “How Scum Hear His Voice” given at a home fellowship group given on February 9, 2020, Homer, Alaska.
It was a bitterly cold night, with lots of wind, but the fellowship was very good. and the wood stove was a blessing. After this teaching, we had a good time praying and took communion.
Living in darkness no color I see a hint of deep blue maybe red– but no, only blackness
Tears flood the darkness trying to wash away the blackness to reveal the color I know must be near
I’ve heard stories of vibrant yellow sunshine smiling green trees happiness in rainbows streaming across a pale blue sky
But in the darkness these colors are but myths draped in blackness obscured by the pain I feel
Then suddenly the Light comes dim colors revealed to my eyes for my heart to see
The Light drawn by my tears came to wash away the blackness tears alone could never heal
The colors of my world brighten day by day as the Light illuminates the truth of colors that were always just outside the darkness
“Land of Zebulun and land of Naphtali, the way to the sea, along the Jordan, Galilee of the Gentiles— the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.”
Matthew 4:15-16 (NIV).
This poem was originally posted on my blog, Linda Kruschke’s Blog, about my own struggles with major depression and the Light who has helped me see the beautiful colors depression had obscured.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”
Matthew 5:8
“The righteous shall move onward and forward; those with pure hearts shall become stronger and stronger.”
Job 17:9
We live in a time when impurity threatens many men and women. Pornography is easily accessible in our generation. The internet is flooded with sites that’ll hurt believers. It will ruin our relationship with our heavenly Father. It affects our marriages and destroys our connection with others.
There is intense guilt that comes from using porn.
It covers us with a shame that hurts us deep inside, something detrimental to intimacy with our spouses, family, or friends, and as well with other believers. We’re guilty of hidden sin. Satan uses it to further isolate the Christian.
Porn causes us to be secretive. We want to hide it from others. We learn how to delete “cookies” on our computers. We want to hide the things we are doing. We must understand that using porn becomes addicting, it’s sort of crack cocaine to our spirits.
Masturbation is common to those viewing pornography.
Our view of naked men or women in sexual acts objectifies them. Subconsciously we start to evaluate our closest relationships. We compare others to the things we see.
It’s addictive. We can’t imagine life without it.
It seperates us from others. It begins to isolate us.
We have a secret life, hidden and masked.
Porn is easy to find, and it latches itself in our minds and hearts.
It often leads us into further and deeper perversions.
We see others as objects, not people who God loves.
It often leads one into a life of hypocrisy and deception.
Porn can lead one into masturbation and wrong relationships with others.
It weakens our God-ordained relationship with our spouses.
Viewing porn is a form of adultery.
We start to compare our spouse to the things we’ve seen.
It instills us with guilt and shame. It will destroy your discipleship.
The time we spend in porn can be better used for the Word, worship and prayer.
It desensitifies our relationship with God’s Spirit.
There’s so much more that can be added to this list. But this dear one is just a start. Perhaps you’ll discover more that should be added.
“I have made a covenant with my eyes. How then could I look at a young woman?”
Job 31:1
“Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.”
Philippians 4:8
Only the Spirit of holiness can make an impure heart pure. However, we must do the ‘leg work” and make it to free ourselves from this sin. Our minds and hearts are our battlefields. To recognize this constantly is necessary. We must take solid steps to take the victory He gives. I realize that the demonic forces are very intense, but God’s power is far stronger.
Your desire to be pure is evidence of God’s care and grace.
If you’re struggling it’s really helpful to share your problem with someone you trust. Becoming accountable will help. Please don’t be afraid of being judged. Quit lying to yourself (and others) that you can overcome this on your own. You can’t hide it any longer.
If you wish you can contact Linda or me. If anything we can pray.
“Can a man embrace fire and his clothes not be burned?”
Broken Believers 