complexity – Page 6 – Broken Believers

Animated Dust

¹^{8 “}I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, ¹⁹and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’

Luke 15:18-19, NLT

“In the same way, when you obey me you should say, ‘We are unworthy servants who have simply done our duty.’”

Luke 17:10

I admit it. I am flawed. I am a contradiction inside of an enigma– at times more a devil than an angel. And today I fancy no pretenses to righteousness. But I can tell you all about sin, I’m thinking that maybe I’ll sell tickets. I’m the spiritual version of “the elephant man.” But yet, I still know that I’m completely loved and secure through faith.

I’m convinced that God’s ability to hold me outweighs all of my sin. His mercy is continually refreshed and continues to exceed my iniquity by a massive margin. I can try to blame my erratic behavior on my mental illness, as I’m reasonably certain that it has something to do with things.

“At best we are but clay, animated dust; but viewed as sinners, we are monsters indeed. Let it be published in heaven as a miracle that the Lord Jesus should set His heart’s love upon people like us.”

Alistair Begg

I will never have it together. At best I can only keep coming back to this Grace that has decided “to never let me go.” I only stand, only because He makes it so. I’ve given up trying to be worthy enough. I seem to chase a ‘laser pointer’ like a over-caffeinated cat, and it is starting to get a little old. (But maybe this time I’ll finally catch it.) Writer Anne Lamott wryly explained her own issues:

“I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”

Anne Lamott

The Holy Scriptures never put human beings on a pedestal. We are never seen as noble or excellent specimens of righteousness. We sin in deed and in thought continually. The parable of the Pharisee and the Tax-collector tells us that a consciousness of sin and a holy God is the only way to be declared just. Both men were rascals, but only one admitted it.

We sin sins of commission and also of omission daily. In fact, I have determined that I have sinned more as a believer than I ever did as a non-believer. This shouldn’t be a surprise, but it is. I’ve been pretty busy the last 32 years. I have been ‘ungodly,’ on more than one occasion.

I want to encourage you today in Him. Life can be such a grind, and your hope anemic. But consider Him who has come for you. Let Jesus take your heaviness, ask Him for His peace. A fair exchange, don”t you think?

This Intense Moment

“He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?”

Micah 6:8, ESV

“The principal thing is to stand before God, with the mind in the heart, and go on standing before Him unceasingly day and night until the end of life.”

Theophan, 1815-1900 (Russian writer and monk)

This intense moment is almost always present tense. We have yet to experience the future, and the past has already been ‘played out.’ The present is this moment right now, and we live in this time.

There is a certain simplicity to all of this. What happens ‘right now’ is crucial in our walks with Him. Anxiety and guilt can be a result of not living right now. These are obviously to be avoided. The past with its guilt, and the future with its anxiety can corrupt the now.

Micah was given a simple commandment to proclaim, it involved this ‘arena of goodness.’

To do justice, right things
to be in love with kindness,
and then to walk in a humble way.

All of these are to be done in the presence of God. We’re called to this simple way of life. For the person who is living somewhat confused and chaotic this is good news. Those of us who are mentally ill understand chaos. Life becomes complicated when we try to juggle more than this.

This should be a certain relief for many a weary pilgrim. These things Micah declares can be liberating when seen in this moment. There is a freedom for each who follow. If it seems like we’re trying to juggle chain-saws we are doing something wrong.

Flaws in Our Spiritual ‘DNA’

“What do you mean, ‘What’s the matter?’” Micah replied. “You’ve taken away all the gods I have made, and my priest, and I have nothing left!”

Judges 18:24

“Man’s nature, so to speak, is a perpetual factory of idols.” ― John Calvin

Here in Judges 18, we see the folly of a false religion. It is a crude and simple idolatry, and the foolishness of it is lost on these men. Micah had installed his very own personal priest, and had carved some idols to enhance his spiritual status. We see in Micah, the silly and shortsightedness of the idolater. He engages in some ‘unauthorized’ theology, that allows him this liberty.

But the ill-advised idolatry seems not only silly, but bizarrely primitive. It’s kind of a ‘do it yourself’ custom religion. Micah had a spiritual need, and met it with hiring his own priest. However, the roving tribe of Dan, with an armed force of 600 men, have decided to take the entire ensemble to be their own. It now seems foolishness has led Dan astray.

The bickering between Micah and these warriors would be imprudent if pushed. Micah has just lost his religion by brute force. The ‘priest’ and all the accouterments are now forcibly taken from him. I suppose this is the painful folly of his ‘homemade’ religion. He watches as the riders take it all away.

What an empty spiritual condition! But religious people often seek out idols to help them deal with life. An idol can be anything that takes God’s place in a person’s life. But the results are sad. A counterfeit faith of any kind is profoundly sad. The modern version has become much more sophisticated, but the end result is the same. It would seem that idolatry is etched in our DNA.

“Those who worship false gods [idols] turn their backs on all God’s mercies” (Jonah 2:8).

The only way to protect yourself in a time of spiritual anarchy is to come to the true and living God. Insist on your needs be met by Him. We really must shun anything that could take His place. Our idolatry is different today, but God has never changed.

Whim-Whams

“In our family “whim-wham” is code, a defanged reference to any number of moods and psychological disorders, be they depressive, manic, or schizoaffective. Back in the 1970s and ’80s – when they were all straight depression – we called them “dark nights of the soul.” St. John of the Cross’s phrase ennobled our sickness, spiritualized it. We cut God out of it after the manic breaks started in 1986, the year my dad, brother, and I were all committed. Call it manic depression or by its new, polite name, bipolar disorder. Whichever you wish. We stick to our folklore and call it the whim-whams.”

— David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

Speaking in code is often our way of communicating to those who are curious. We seldom tell anyone we have bipolar disorder outright. Some of us tried, and failed; we fall back to “I’m just a little blue today,” or the classic, “I’m just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” We really can be somewhat disingenuous.

All too often these are half-truths that deflect the sticky issues of a mental breakdown. We seek to salvage some kind of dignity, or evade the inevitable stigma that would certainly come if we told the truth. We choose to evade, but at a cost.

I struggle with the stigma of both bipolar disorder and epilepsy. I’m still uncomfortable when others seem uncomfortable with me. So, I have developed a general rule:

Bryan’s Rule #14, “Never reveal your illness, except to qualified people.”

I suppose this adds a layer of personal security. The occasions I have violated this rule have resulted in awkward pauses and odd looks. Afterwards, the relationship changed. It was as if I suddenly sprouted a second head, or something.

As Christian believers, I know we are supposed to walk in the truth. But exactly how truthful am I supposed to be? I’ve always had an iconoclastic streak, and I love stretching the social boundaries of others. Bipolar disorder has been an illness made-to-order for people like me.

Bryan’s Rule #15, “Openness can be a true step toward my healing.”

But it take truth to change. We really need to be honest by bringing things into the light. Obscuring the truth keeps us isolated and distant from others. Will speaking forthrightly about my bipolar disorder be a challenge? Of course. But necessary if I want to heal and cope.

I’m not advocating making a big sign and parading down Main Street. Just to be a bit more honest with others, and ultimately with ourselves. Let’s be comfortable with our own personal “whim-whams.”

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Bryan’s Rule #14, “Never reveal your illness, except to qualified people.”

Bryan’s Rule #15, “Openness can be a true step toward my healing.”

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