Most people who meet me today would never guess the trauma I’ve been through. And when I was drowning the depths of major clinical depression, I couldn’t see it was that trauma that was the catalyst for my misery. I’m not sure I have it all figured out, even now, though it is clearer than it once was.
The thing about my story is that the trauma part is all too common. Rape and abortion are traumas that happen to far too many women (and sometimes men) in this broken world we live in. Healing sometimes feels impossible. But I am living proof that it is not.
Although I still struggle with depression at times, it is quite mild in comparison to what I endured for almost a decade in my late twenties and early thirties. I no longer feel like all hope is lost. In spite of my trauma, I am living and thriving in God’s grace.
I’d love to share my story with you in the hopes that it would be for you a light in the darkness you feel stuck in. I was blessed to be asked to tell my story on a podcast and you can listen to that podcast episode here: https://heartofthematterradio.libsyn.com/linda-kruschke-overcome-past-hurts-final. I do hope it blesses you to listen as much as it blessed me to be able to share. Thanks for reading. I love you.
“Unstable as water, you shall not have preeminence.”
Genesis 49:4
“Walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he “followed Him at a distance” on dry land.”
That explains much. He did good things for sure, but he also could be weak and vacillating. This quality also describes those of us who are fairly often morally and spiritually out-of-control.
The impulsiveness symptom describes much of our actions, and our personal direction. We are something of a “loose cannon’ and we can deeply frighten people who know us. We love God deeply, (at least some of the time).
But our soul is constantly loved and watched over.
He cares for us as a Father cares for His son. As mortals we make a lot of choices. Many are godly, some are not. We sometimes find ourselves out of control, mostly because we choose so poorly. We know it’s wrong (so much cries out against it) but we do it anyway, no matter what. We are often ashamed of our impulsiveness.
That weakness will tear us apart, guaranteed. When it resides in our heart, it’ll eventually destroy us. It’s like an uncontrolled nuclear fission within, it takes over and it seems I can’t stop it. When I find myself out-of-control, it seems to take me beyond human help. Once we are in this state, we are completely unreasonable. It seems only God can intervene.
In my awful impulsiveness, I can see His faithfulness.
We often think we are just spontaneous people, and we consider it to be a plus. But our decision-making is dangerous. (Some will understand what I’m saying, but many others won’t).
When we are impulsive, we are like a ship without an anchor. We go with the wind and the current, pushed along and directed by no one. We think we are spontaneous, when all we are is desperately foolish. We’ve chosen to sail into forbidden waters. We’re really in spiritual danger.
We now face the reality of being shipwrecked!
As a physically and mentally ill person, I simply can’t direct myself in a God honoring way apart from His active hand. I’m a just ‘a kid out of school’– unable to understand the eternal issues at stake. When I abandon myself to the vacillating foolishness of my heart, I bypass the strength and solidity of the Spirit. I sail into forbidden waters.
If I could pass anything on to others, it would be the ability to say “no.”
I really don’t want to degrade and destroy myself by my wrong choices. The Holy Spirit keeps comforting and encouraging me, all with an endurance and persistence far beyond my reasoning. For some odd reason, He is very much in love with me, (isn’t that strange)?
Truly His pursuit of me is relentless. He won’t give up.
But even in my impulsiveness, I can still see His faithfulness. He wants to free me from these awful forces that would tear me apart. He isn’t sitting on a comfortable throne, passively watching to see if I survive. No, not hardly. Instead He comes alongside, and holds me in place.
In June of 2002, I journeyed from Alaska to Cambridge, England. It was there I somehow found myself on the streets talking to myself; alone, disoriented and quite lost.
I wasn’t taking my medication.
I had just been released from a hospital in Anchorage, Alaska and was under the care of a psychiatrist. I headed out without his approval..And so here I am now all alone in a country I had never visited before. My confusion was profound. I was desperate and mentally ill.
I noticed the stares and the whispers as wandered the streets.
Or maybe it was just my raging paranoia. But yet there’s more. Much more. On just a mildly benign occasion I wandered into the English version of a Wal-mart. I was in a dreary daze, but I thought I ‘heard’ a 5 foot bush call out as I walked by. I just knew my calling was a prophet. I was like Moses. I also heard God from a bush! (Exodus 3:2).
My chosen, eternal destiny was to save it. I grabbed and scootched it toward the check-out line. After a few minutes the bush was insanely heavy and I saw that the line was very long.
After some time I finally abandoned the tree in the middle of the check-out line. It seems I did have some moments of clarity, even at my strangest. It was a weird experience. (What can I say, I’m a sucker for talking bushes.)
I was told later that over hundred people were praying for me.
Finally, at my worst, I reached into my pack and there was this CD. I began to listen to it, and imperceptibly began to be restored to some semblance of sanity. My thinking was clearer and I would finally find my way back to where I was staying.
King Saul, in his own weak grip on sanity, was ministered to by David’s music.
One song on the CD in particular ministered to me. It’s called “Kyrie Eleison,”which is Latin for “Lord Have Mercy.”
Kyrie Eleison Lyrics
Verse 1 Empty broken here I stand, Kyrie eleison, Touch me with Your healing hand, Kyrie eleison, Take my arrogance and pride, Kyrie eleison, wash me in Your mercy’s tide, Kyrie eleison.
Verse 2 When my faith is all but gone, Kyrie eleison, Give me strength to carry on, Kyrie eleison, when my dreams have turned to dust, Kyrie eleison, In You O Lord I put my trust, Kyrie eleison.
Verse 3 When my heart is cold as ice, Kyrie eleison, Your love speaks of sacrifice, Kyrie eleison, Love that sets the captives free, Kyrie eleison, O pour compassion down on me, Kyrie eleison.
Verse 5 Humble heart of holiness, Kyrie eleison, Kiss me with Your tenderness, Kyrie eleison, Jesus, faithful Friend and true, Kyrie eleison, All I am I give to You, Kyrie eleison.
When we think about Jesus, when we start to contemplate the crib, we explode into joy over what we have seen. We inaugurate a convincing of His second coming. You might say that we suddenly adjust to a Jesus who just drops in on us.
“And when Christ, who is yourlife, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory.”
Col. 3:4, NLT
Jesus anticipates that His visits to earth, will start to bear fruit. There will be many who will be validated to step up into this place of salvation. But many of us will be part of many others who are involved in this sharing. Jesus has come, and all of us enter into something quite exceptional.
But this is all a future event, it hasn’t happened yet, but we do think about when He will return. But this is not an occasional, fleeting awareness. But we are confident we do understand that His return alters everything. All of a sudden, we are launched into real and eternal promises. These critical assignments coming from this world, will never take the place of being in God‘s purposes.
Paul is wrapped up with a deep and profound understanding of things that are on the threshold. He is the apostle of the aware. He seems to sizzle with understanding that progresses out of his initiative and creative effort.
But Paul develops, after he sees, a careful sense of certain things that are moving. But he knows what He has seen, and he insists that others join him in this.
This is why we must procure this awareness. To operate in the realm of Paul will be worth our weight in “celestial gold.” Things are rich and fecund, and they wait in a exceptional awareness. As Paul follows, so we follow. In the Heavenly places, we are being counted as being faithful and quite true.
