I am a premium blend of paradox and inconsistencies. I make no claim at all to being anything but. I’m afraid my bipolar has marked me.
But I’m finding victory in Christ, For me discipleship is simply being close to Jesus. I come with baggage which I give to Him. He insist on taking all of it.
I’m discovering that my Christian walk is not some sort of comprehensive self-improvement plan to overcome whatever particular sin which is bothering me at the moment. Rather it is choosing to be filled with the Spirit of Holiness.
That is a big deal. I’m not out to achieve but to “abide.” The fundamental difference is profound. The ministry of the Holy Spirit activated in my heart creates the energy to please God. His work is impeccable and true, and it’s the only way it’s going to work.
In my mind may be confusion (I lose my way so quickly) but His presence is both gentle and strong. I can “turn off” His kind guidance. However if I do I “crash and burn” every time.
Jesus is not shocked by my wilfulness. He doesn’t fret over my sin. He deals with me without doubt and discouragement. He doesn’t ever regret taking me on as a believer. My disruptive walk doesn’t tarnish His love for me. I know this.
I may be far behind you in this discipleship. So far I’ve led a muddled life. When I act independently I get confused. I have a “checkered” track record that bars me from making any claim toward success. I am a broken brokenbeliever,
“It’s not about perfection; it’s about our intimacy with God, or our connection, our relationship with God. Once we get through that, once we realize that we can be imperfect, flawed, broken; those kinds of things are the ingredients of spirituality.”
The Lord has broken me a thousand times, and I anticipate there will be thousands more. He is faithful to keep His promise to present me one day holy and true. I am trusting Him.
“Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault. 25 All glory to him who alone is God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his before all time, and in the present, and beyond all time! Amen.”
Jude 24-25, NLT
20 thoughts on “A Broken Brokenbeliever”
Thank you very much and wish you all the best.
May the Lord bless you😊
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it…
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Beautiful and true. Not achieving but abiding. Resting in the reality that He who began a good work in you is faithfull to complete it in you. In me. Resting! Thank you!
Thank you for your post. You are true and honest of what you say and go through. Like you say, we must keep our eyes on Jesus. As for me, its very hard theses passed monthes, years, etc…but worse theses last monthes, weeks, trying to spend time with the Lord. All I see are my huge big and bad sins ( which my husband says that I see so much sin In my life, that its me that makes alot of them up)
Like A broken record, In my mind, that keeps screaming out alot of words of how I am, which one of the words is ” Your A mean person , your A mean person “………..
Two days ago, I was living alot of anxiety, I was crushed down on the floor, weaping so badly, once again for repentence but not only that, but for God’s mercy and healing be upon me, cause I just can’t take It anymore. I cried so much! Seeing so much tears gathered all together on the floor, made me think of one of your blogs that talks about that the Lord keeps our tears in A bottle…..
But at the same time, theses passed weeks and monthes, are so ruff, its so hard for me to pass time with the Lord, and also, I just don’t feel like It at all, which I find that very bad ! I am afraid of God.My guilt consumes me and paralizes me so badly, that I feel that I am even more unworthy before the Lord! But also, its so wierd to say, but there are times when I pray, I have to time myself,example, I put my timer for 10 minutes. After that time, I must stop always seeing my sins, which I just keep on repenting and repeating. I am very honest towards the Lord, but my problem is that my time of prayer becomes a big burden for me! I do pray for others, but I become SO TIRED, after all of my prayer time.I can’ take this anymore!
I can’ feel Him, nor hear Him!! That up sets me very much!
You know, I Love Jesus, but whatever is In my mind, is the opposite of what my heart really desires.
If there is anyone that has a word of comfort for me, well I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you very much !
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David said, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18). That means that even when you feel condemned, He doesn’t condemn you but remains faithful and close.
You are being tormented by ‘a spirit of condemnation’ which simply means the enemy is attacking you with guilt and condemnation. You can ask the Lord to hold back these negative and accusing thoughts and see if you experience any release.
I believe the crux of your issues is the same as for a great multitude of other people suffering quietly within ‘Christianity’ and it’s the fact that there is so little spiritual power among modern Christians to confront and defeat these types of issues. There is more suffering than God ever intended and little spiritual Grace to meet all these overwhelming needs. I pray that you will find Grace and be able to sense that God is near even if you can’t sense Him. God bless you.
Thank you very much Arendale .Its is very nice of you for taking the time to write to me.
I often asked the Lord to let me understand and live in His Grace and to free me of my guilt !
There was alot of prayer done for me,and many years ago, I went to see people that pray to cast out demons, bad spirits. In 3 days, we prayed 30 hours. So if there would of been A demon or bad spirit, It would of gone away, but I must say that nothing changed In my life.
I live with mental illness and it is very hard cause it makes you see and believe things in A wierd way and this makes It worse with my great guilt!
I can’t even go to church, cause all what I hear, puts more guilt on me, so for years, when I use to go, I hear something , anxiety crabes me and I pass my time going to the bathroom and hide myself crying like A baby and repent and repent. In one preach, I could do this 2,3 times and I just hate It when people ask me how I am!
But I also feel very guilty that I don’t go to church but I don’t even want to go and I find that I sin against God.
Everything is so hard !
God bless you, Tina. I hope your day went okay.
I’ve had a lot of prayer for deliverance and healing done over me since 2003. Rather than getting better, I got worse. My anxiety and depression just rose rather than decreasing. The Bible shows that this happens, especially in the story of the woman with the issue of blood for twelve years: the more physicians (‘healers’) she saw, the worse rather than better she got. So, don’t feel guilt and condemnation for not being better or being well. 10,000 hours of prayer and ministry won’t deliver or heal you if the people praying don’t have spiritual understanding; but Jesus healed people in seconds because He had understanding. Most people don’t understand mental illness and spiritual oppression and so don’t know how to resolve such issues.
Yes, church puts guilt on people on a weekly basis. I’ve been there and know many who’ve been there. I used to go to a church and stopped two weeks ago. I sensed God tell me I didn’t have to go, and as soon as I decided to not go, joy was the result. The next day, I was so joyful that I was free from going to a place that made me feel worse (church) that I sang from just after 1pm till after 10pm. I thought I would have no voice the next day because I sang all day with maybe five minutes at the most between breaks. God isn’t making you go to church. In fact, if you are feeling bad or worse in an environment, then you naturally should and do leave it. Church is no different: if you feel uncomfortable in church, it is not a safe or healthy place for you. Leave, and find fellowship in meeting with Christian friends through outside of the building. Can I ask where your husband is in all this and if he goes to the church?
Thank you once again for your reply.
Just to say about Church, its not the people the problem but me. Its A small little Church, about 40, 50 people and there are nice but seem uncomfortable with me. I keep crying there and its been years that I am like that. There were times that I was better, but most of the time, when I use to go
(on and off) I was a mess that is without counting my tiredness!
I spoke A long time with the Pasteur. He is very nice, but last year, I was in deep anguish, and crying so much on the phone with him and he said to me ” You think your the only one that suffers In church!” Wow! Did it ever hurt me so badly. My head was in hell, being hunted In my mind to kill myself! It was horrible and I was so scared! Last summer, by 3 times, I was hospitalized in Psy!
It still hurts me thinking of that today but i must say that he was better afterwards.
As for my husband , for theses 15 passed years of being sick and cutting myself, etc… he stood aside me so much and I am very greatful for that.He understands my sickness , I guess more than me, because I put everything on my back and see more of sin In my life than the sickness. I am all mixed up and so scared!
If I don’t go to church, he does not go.
He has a drinking problem for many years and that is very hard for me to go though this. Well It does not help me, expecailly when I was young, my two parents were heavy drinkers!
Even if today I am 52, I still hate seeing beer. It still affects me alot.
To give you an example, as a child, just my father drank 24 to 48 bottles of beer a day,So often, I filled the fridge with beer!!
I was touched to see that you take so much time In the presents of the Lord! WoW!
I wish you all the best and may God Bless You So Dearly!
Hi, Tina. Thanks. Sometimes I can sense the Lord; usually, I can’t, but I’m lucky to know by faith that He is always beside me as He is beside you and all those who need to be comforted.
I don’t want you to look at things from ‘fault vs. no fault’ lenses but rather ‘facts vs. not facts’ lenses. Don’t think that you or others are at fault for what you’re struggling with; rather, look at the facts: you are struggling; and you are not getting relief in church. Jesus said for Christians, “A new command I give you, that you love one another as I have loved you” (Jn. 13:34). Then John said basically the same thing: “This is how we know Love– He laid down His life for us, and we ought also to lay down our lives for the brethren” (1Jn. 3:16). Christians are supposed to go out of our way to care for each other and minister to each others’ needs. It doesn’t sound like your needs have been ministered to; rather, even your pastor faulted you for having the problem. This is not right or good; so, what you need is what we all need: someone who both cares and is connected to (in relationship with) God enough to be able to minister some healing to you. This is what Jesus brought to us and is what He wants to continue to bring through the Body of Christ: ” Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: and the prayer of faith will raise him up” (Jas. 5:14).
I have to go for now but will write more later. I pray you have a good night.
Hello once again dear Arendale,
You have talked about what the Bible says about if someone is sick….It is something that I did speak to my husband about this subject, and was wondering why the Paster did not offered It to me.He did say that He prays for me. But,No! It has never been done!
What about when the Lord says To not abandon your assembly! I am afraid that the Lord is mad At me cause, as for know, I don’t go to church.
I must also say that I put alot of pressure on myself , cause I am always afraid to cross by A Christian from church.
Thank you once again
May the Lord, bless you, restore you and heal your mind, soul and heart.
He is the ONLY ONE that can do it.
Bye Tina 🌻
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Tina, I just saw your comment about those who are sick and why your pastor didn’t offer you prayers of healing. He said he’d prayed, but you still aren’t well. Most of the answers we need are right on the surface of the Bible which means they’re clear (many answers are hidden ‘between the lines’, but most are clear); the watered down and false teachings in much of Christendom today have simply blinded us to what’s actually apparent. James said that the weight of success in healing and delivering those who are oppressed or afflicted lies on the ministers; today, it is said to lie on the one in need. In Jesus’ life, the burden of success was on Jesus, the Minister, as it was in the rest of the NT. James reiterates, saying that if one is sick, the ministers should pray for them and then explains why so few are healed today in spite of many prayers: “The prayer of FAITH will raise him up.” Since the prayer comes from the ministers, it therefore is THEIR faith that raises you up as it was with Jesus. If they pray and there’s no healing, it’s often because they don’t have faith– ie. faith towards God. They aren’t spiritually connected to God enough for God to follow through their vessels and heal others. This is the Bible’s opinion on this issue; and we know that men may lie, but God’s Word NEVER lies.
The fact that you feel condemned and don’t want to run into church members explains that your church’s heart isn’t right. Paul said, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ”, so why are Christians condemning each other? Because they are not in Christ. Paul explains that those who are in Christ are “those who walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit” (1Cor. 8:1). Christians who make others feel guilty and condemned are only Christians by name; they are not actually IN Christ (they don’t have a living relationship with Him, because “God is Love”, and “whoever abides in Love abides in God and God in him” (1Jn. 3). This means that anyone who actually has a living or real, daily relationship with God CANNOT condemn anyone, especially not his fellow believer. This also is not often taught today but is the truth of the Bible. And we know that God cannot lie.
No one can condemn you about not going to church or anything else. The Bible never says to go to buildings called church but to “not forsake the assembling of yourselves together” which is talking about a heart attitude. It can be paraphrased, “Don’t get in the habit of neglecting your duty to assemble and grow together with other believers.” But if you aren’t growing in a church, are you among believers? If you desire in your heart to assemble with The Church, which is human beings and not houses or buildings, and you seek God to connect you where you will grow, no condemnation is legitimate that comes at you. If you read that Hebrew passage that says to not neglect assembling together, you’ll read that the purpose of assembly is to bless and stir one another up to good deeds. If you’re sick and no one is making you any better and no one is encouraging anyone to good deeds (helping and comforting a fellow believer is a good deed that, in God’s eyes, comes far before any ‘outside ministry’ such as feeding the poor and taking offerings for missionaries), then you are not in the type of ‘church’ that that Hebrew passage was talking about and should be praying to find it soon. I pray that God will give you light, hope, and understanding in this darkness and will give you the peace that comes from wholeness.
Hi Arendale ,
I ´m sorry if I explained myself badly but the people At church do not condem me, they feel sorry for me and seem to be uncomfortable with me, not knowing what to say to me.
I myself is very shy towards everybody.I know its me the problem! I did talk A long time on the phone with my pastor and at the end of the meeting too.He is A very positif person and he believes that step by step I will come to be healed that the Lord does not always heal directly like that, sometimes its with time.
Its funny,a couple of days ago I fell upon this story about ” The Cup of Tea”!
I will try to find it and send it to you.
I’d like to check out the story, Tina. And yes, I didn’t think the people in church were persecuting you.
Do you and your husband feel like you can connect with God? Can I ask when the last time was that you two heard from God on something? The reason I’m asking this is:
1. Relationship needs communication; without communication, you can’t commune or fellowship with someone.
2. God created you and knows how to counsel and direct you best. If you can hear Him, you can know His specific or unique plans for you.
If you aren’t hearing from God about your personal life, it will be hard to have light and direction, encouragement, and hope. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Pro. 29:18). When God speaks into our situation, He gives light or understanding so we can see and be hopeful and know what to do.
I pass time with the Lord even by many times It is very hard cause I am not always well.As for my husband, He does not really pass time with the Lord.
For a long while know, being sick, its hard to see the vison that the Lord has for me, cause I don’t know whats going on In my life. I feel that I am In quicksand and when It gets worse, its like my head is In hell. It is so horrible to live this, but I ´m better since a couple of days now.
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Sorry to hear about the hard times, Tina. I’m glad that you’ve been in a better place for a few days now. There is a lot of brokenness in the world and little healing or help which is disappointing and is not the way that Jesus ever meant for it to be. I hope the past few days have been manageable for you and your husband.
Thank you very much .
I wish you all the best.
May the Lord bless you 😊
Thanks, Tina. I’m doing my best too. I wish you all the best as well.
Okay, Tina, I’m back on my phone.
Sorry to hear about your husband and his alcohol habit. It’s a good thing he’s stood by you and supports you. You may want to pray about finding a new church or fellowship, maybe google house fellowships in your area which tend to be more intimate and can be more sympathetic. God doesn’t tell us to go anywhere that we’re hurt or that our hurts aren’t healed away. Jesus came to heal; He then charged the Church to carry on the same work and left, sending the Holy Spirit to enable us to do what He told us to do. The elders and older and other believers in church are supposed to administer healing. When this is missing, Jesus doesn’t expect you to remain in the place.
There was a woman in the Bible who had a hemorrhage for twelve years that wouldn’t stop. Everywhere she looked for help, the help she got didn’t help her at all and she even got worse. When she heard about Jesus, she knew He could heal her. She didn’t remain with those who couldn’t help. But finding a good fellowship is one you should pray about with your husband about UNTIL the Lord guides you to a good place. If you ask and keep asking, He will lead you to a place where you can heal from your wounds and hurts.
In the meantime, how often do you and your husband hear from God, and how long have you been believers? It’s important to know that when you go to God or ask something of Him, He does answer even if you don’t hear it. The ‘trick’ is learning to know when He speaks by learning about how He feels about things like your situation; it’s hard to hear someone saying one thing if you think they’re saying the opposite thing. Job 33:14 says, “God does speak– now one way, now another– though man may not perceive it.” God bless you.
I would like to Thank you very much for your support :)
I wish you all the best In Jesus name.
Continue praising the Lord.As for me, It is really the one thing that helps me the most
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A beautiful humble post. As long as we can admit our faults, I believe that this is where God wants us to be, dependable on Him, requesting strength from Him, because living the life of love is not easy. I can’t even connect with God’s love, so I need to remind myself to love and forgive myself, as Jesus forgives me. It’s a hard task, but keep going in your humility. You won’t go wrong. Humility is strength. It’s surrender, it’s submission, it’s the entire opposite of the way this world teaches, the path of insanity so keep going. I know I will. I enjoy your blogs.
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