In early November, I went to California for a writers retreat. There were only four students and the woman leading the retreat. I learned so much and hung out with a few other writers. And yet, the poem below is what I wrote the first night after our opening session.
The next day I read it to one of my new writer friends, a woman who has been on this writing journey for a lot less time than I. She was touched because she had been feeling inadequate and that the rest of us were so much more accomplished than she was.
I love it when God allows me to remember the dark night of the soul in a way that brings cheer and blessing to others.
“The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me,’ or ‘Help me.'”
Billy Graham
Why so downcast, Oh my soul? I understand the psalmist's plea. Here I am with new friends of gold But feelings of sadness needle me.
Am I just a fraud pretending to be One who has something worthwhile to say? When truth be told, or a lie of old, Never will I point to God's way.
How I feel runs hot and cold; Now I am weak when once I was bold. Powerless and useless are words I hear Echoing deep in my mind as fear.
Wounds that run deep still bleed I know they're not true, never were. But still, still these words Oh Lord. You are the truth, the life, the way.
St. Francis of Assisi once wrote, “The devil never rejoices more than when he robs a servant of God of the peace of God.”
Sometimes I think maybe I’ve made the devil dance far too many times.
I confess that peace has never been really high on my list. Love, joy, kindness, and even goodness are clear priorities. Peace… not so much. Until it’s not there. And then I get frantic by its absence and look for it with manic bewilderment.
Sometimes I don’t understand why God still loves me. At times like this anxiety eats at me. I beat myself up by my last failure. The guilt of my latest sin grows until it looms larger than the blood that saved me. Sometimes I suppose, religious people have the most neurosis.
I’m afraid that we are taking “the present tense’ out of the Gospel. The past tense is far preferable to us as we manage the Christian life. We like to make check marks on our list. Repentance– check. Baptism– check. Bible study– check. I think it gives me a definite feeling of ‘maturity.’
But these matter little without intimacy with Jesus.
I certainly haven’t arrived, and it seems at times I’m still the hideous sinner I always was. I cannot pretend otherwise, even with a truckload of cosmetics at my disposal. I know, I’ve tried. And I’m still ‘ugly.’ I do know forgiveness, and I do walk in its wonderful light (by grace.)
I read Luther 30 years ago. (And Bonhoeffer would say something similar.)
“When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, ‘Repent,’ he willed the entire life of believers to be one of repentance.”
Martin Luther
This is the first of his 95 Theses nailed to the door of Wittenburg. There is a present tense here we can’t ignore. I don’t just repent over smoking, beer drinking, fornication, or hypocrisy, once and done. But my entire way of living is to be one of repenting.
Repentance is your key to open up the door of grace.
“All of the Christian life is repentance. Turning from sin and trusting in the good news that Jesus saves sinners aren’t merely a one-time inaugural experience but the daily substance of Christianity. The gospel is for every day and every moment. Repentance is to be the Christian’s continual posture.”
John Piper
Luther’s last words, on his deathbed, was found written on a scrap of paper words, “We are beggars! This is true.” Thirty years before, he was only echoing his first thesis.
It seems dear ones, we are to live at the foot of the cross.
In June of 2002, I journeyed from Alaska to Cambridge, England. It was there I somehow found myself on the streets talking to myself; alone, disoriented and quite lost.
I wasn’t taking my medication.
I had just been released from a hospital in Anchorage, Alaska and was under the care of a psychiatrist. I headed out without his approval..And so here I am now all alone in a country I had never visited before. My confusion was profound. I was desperate and mentally ill.
I noticed the stares and the whispers as wandered the streets.
Or maybe it was just my raging paranoia. But yet there’s more. Much more. On just a mildly benign occasion I wandered into the English version of a Wal-mart. I was in a dreary daze, but I thought I ‘heard’ a 5 foot bush call out as I walked by. I just knew my calling was a prophet. I was like Moses. I also heard God from a bush! (Exodus 3:2).
My chosen, eternal destiny was to save it. I grabbed and scootched it toward the check-out line. After a few minutes the bush was insanely heavy and I saw that the line was very long.
After some time I finally abandoned the tree in the middle of the check-out line. It seems I did have some moments of clarity, even at my strangest. It was a weird experience. (What can I say, I’m a sucker for talking bushes.)
I was told later that over hundred people were praying for me.
Finally, at my worst, I reached into my pack and there was this CD. I began to listen to it, and imperceptibly began to be restored to some semblance of sanity. My thinking was clearer and I would finally find my way back to where I was staying.
King Saul, in his own weak grip on sanity, was ministered to by David’s music.
One song on the CD in particular ministered to me. It’s called “Kyrie Eleison,”which is Latin for “Lord Have Mercy.”
Kyrie Eleison Lyrics
Verse 1 Empty broken here I stand, Kyrie eleison, Touch me with Your healing hand, Kyrie eleison, Take my arrogance and pride, Kyrie eleison, wash me in Your mercy’s tide, Kyrie eleison.
Verse 2 When my faith is all but gone, Kyrie eleison, Give me strength to carry on, Kyrie eleison, when my dreams have turned to dust, Kyrie eleison, In You O Lord I put my trust, Kyrie eleison.
Verse 3 When my heart is cold as ice, Kyrie eleison, Your love speaks of sacrifice, Kyrie eleison, Love that sets the captives free, Kyrie eleison, O pour compassion down on me, Kyrie eleison.
Verse 5 Humble heart of holiness, Kyrie eleison, Kiss me with Your tenderness, Kyrie eleison, Jesus, faithful Friend and true, Kyrie eleison, All I am I give to You, Kyrie eleison.
Our List of Hotlines and 1-800 Phone Numbers and Websites
This list comes from brokenbelievers.com and is updated (we’re trying anyway.) We are not responsible for the validity of this info. These numbers, hotlines or texts may or may not work. We’re constantly adjusting/adding to this resource. As far as we know, this is the U.S. only for phone numbers. Additionally, many of these have regular office hours, and some are not staffed at night. Also, use this resource with caution.
(You may copy and distribute this as you see fit.)
This list isn’t complete yet. If you have a contact that isn’t here, please email me that information. I’m Bryan Lowe at slowe299@yahoo.com or brokenbelievers.com.
Mostly, these are organizations and ministries that are there when life gets challenging. Use these phone numbers wisely, and I would encourage you to pray for those who are counseling you. Also, I am not able to check each number. These numbers are to be used with some precaution as a result. They may change without notice. This list was updated 11/28/23.
In general, these hotlines have three things in common:
1) they are available to call 24/7 in the USA 2) they are 100% confidential 3) they are free
If you are experiencing a medical emergency, are in danger, or are feeling very suicidal, call 911 immediately.
“Five Ways to Help with Coping AFTER a Crisis Situation.”
Recognize your own feelings about the situation and talk to others about your fears. Know that these feelings are a normal response to an abnormal situation.
Be willing to listen to family and friends who have been affected and encourage them to seek counseling if necessary.
Be patient with people; fuses are short when dealing with a crisis and others may be feeling as much stress as you.
Recognize normal crisis reactions, such as sleep disturbances and nightmares, withdrawal, reverting to childhood behaviors, and trouble focusing on work or school.
Take time with your children, spouse, life partner, friends, and co-workers to do something you enjoy.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”
(Philippians 1:6, NLT)
This resource is found at brokenbelievers.com and is subject to change at any given moment. You may email us at commentsbb@yahoo.com. You may copy this (in its entirety please) and distribute it freely.
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