Category: complete surrender

Anxiety Stole My Personality – for a Season

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by Melanie Valdivieso

Christ has set my soul free – Hallelujah! This truth shall forevermore stand. But on this earth and in this body, I have a mental illness: anxiety, plus a dash of depression. An invisible enemy, stigmatized as either lunacy or mental weakness – it has stolen my personality and threatens me with doubt. I fret over the future and plan for crises that never happen. My chest grows heavy, my vision blurs, and my head spins. My time is consumed with regulating breathing and my heartbeat. All I want is to get out from under the blanket that suppresses who I really am

Ironically, I held a very stressful job that I LOVED; I was a high school English teacher. Indeed, I was going to teach for the rest of my life – with the help of meds of course.  Oh, that glorious moment during my second year of teaching when I realized that I was free to be myself because I had found the right medication. Then the rollercoaster ride of bodily changes started: my brain would grow accustomed to the medication and quit responding to it, or my body would grow  a brand new human being or two. Every few years I needed to readjust or change my prescription, the challenges and rewards of teaching captivated me again, and on I persevered.

Then the 2015 school year started, and I experienced my worst episode of anxiety. Logic takes a flying leap when you can’t breathe, focus your eyesight, or stand in a crowd of people, so it didn’t occur to me that I needed to see the doctor about changing my prescription. By the time logic did manage to squeak through the cracks of my troubled mind, it was too late. My love of teaching had deserted me, and the best I could muster was babysitting the students. After nine years of teaching, I was so tired of having to fight my body and my mind to do my job, so I quit at the end of October.

As you can well imagine, the lies of the enemy nagged at me everyday during this season of transition, and I allowed them a seat in my heart. Specifically, the master lie that took the throne was that I had failed. My husband’s denial of my mental illness heaped upon the guilt and shame of quitting a career to which I devoted myself left me floundering for purpose. I had failed miserably to pick myself up through strength of will and support my family financially.

However, the Lord of the Universe says that I am not a failure. He states it over and over again in Scripture.

Truth #1

2 Corinthians 6:18 – “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

I am a daughter of the King. Anxiety and depression are physical problems, albeit they manifest as emotional symptoms, but that doesn’t change me being a princess. I had lots of fun teaching as God’s daughter, and now He is humbling me for other services.

Truth #2

Romans 8:1 – “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,”

First and foremost, since Jesus doesn’t condemn me, I shouldn’t presume to condemn myself. Secondly, mental illness is NOT a sin. Finally, the choice to quit was a healthy choice, and God definitely supports health!

Truth #3

Isaiah 54:5 – “For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.”

How to react to my husband when in moments of anger he says deprecating things to me? Now I know; my Maker is my eternal Husband. I will listen to what He has to say about these trying times by respecting His commands to be Christlike.

Truth #4

Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Psalm 115:3 – “Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.”

This is God’s sovereignty! I have faith that either God allowed this ordeal to occur so that I can focus on a new ministry, or He is just so powerful that He turned something horrible into something that glorifies Him.  Either way, I give my injury to Him and He transforms it into beauty.

After coming through as a whole person, I praise God for His mercies, which don’t depend upon my feelings.  God’s Word is the truth that stands forevermore, and through each episode of anxiety in my life, the truth is internalized more and more.

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About Melanie Valdivieso

I taught high school English for close to 10 years before quitting due to anxiety. I was so confused about this drastic change in my temperament. Shouldn’t I be set as who I am for the rest of my life now that I’m 34? Apparently not, and you now what? I like the author God is creating in me, and I couldn’t be my true self without first having taught English for so many years.

 

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Elijah Had Issues as Well

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Elijah and the Angel

“Then Elijah walked for a whole day into the desert. He sat down under a bush and asked to die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he prayed. “Let me die. I am no better than my ancestors.”

1 Kings 19:4

Poor Elijah.  He was bold and heroic, taking on the enemy at Mt. Carmel.  A mighty victory was wonderously won, but here he is, completely defeated and overpowered by his own fear and doubt.  How defeated was he?  We hear him begging to be allowed to die.  He had become overwhelmed.

You could say that Elijah was saturated with fear.  He could not resist taking on the conflict.  It seemed to him that everything was now directed at him.  He couldn’t take one step forward.  So, he folded.  Everything was affecting him on a personal level, and he was not built to take the load. Many of God’s children come to this point.

He was shorting out.  His circuits were not designed for this.  He crumbles under the weight.  As we read the text, it all seems to be a bit off.  We shake our heads and wonder about strange Elijah.  We see him incapacitated by his doubt and fear.  But it doesn’t seem to us to be an issue.  The prophets of Baal wouldn’t deceive the Israelites anymore. After all, he had just achieved a fantastic victory that should propel him to the next encounter.

“Elijah was a human being just like us.” –James 5:17

The servants of the Lord are vulnerable.  As we step into the flow of God’s presence we will come “face-to-face “with things that are beyond us.  Often we will find ourselves pushed beyond our limits, backed in a corner and stripped of our weaponry.  Our enemies now turn to face us without fear of reprisal.

Our Father deals gently with a wounded servant.

Elijah had been crippled.  He had nothing more to give.  We can shake our head, and pass him by as a casualty of a spiritual war. But the funny thing is that God tells his story, he has been added to the narrative of scripture.  His falterings, and failings has become our focal point.  Elijah, with all his issues must be faced, and we must look at him.  We see the tenderness and gentleness of God as He deals with His bruised servant. God loves His broken believers. (1 Kings 19:12-13).

His Spirit is oh so gentle.  He comes whispering.  He lifts Elijah at Elijah’s pace.  A painful rebuke, and a harsh word of correction is not in His vocabulary, it is not even considered.  Our Father deals carefully with a wounded servant.  Elijah would go on to serve Jehovah.  Elijah would be a changed man.  God had mended him.

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Man on Fire

man-on-fireOne morning in January 1984 I set myself on fire. I was in my cabin up on the ridge and I was trying to build a fire. Alaska can be a cold place. I had also started a coffee pot and because it was so cold I opened up the oven door a couple of inches to get some heat.

The oven started getting the place warm, and I gratefully backed up my butt to it. That is when it happened. My sweater ignited from the front burner. At first I didn’t realize that I was on fire, but when the flames started spreading over my head I panicked.

I couldn’t put it out! I dropped to the floor and tried to roll. All that seemed to do is embed that burning sweater into my back, and set the carpet on fire. I ran to the bathroom with the idea of getting under the shower. Somehow I knew that was my only hope.

Needless to say I ended up in the local hospital with second and third degree burns on most of my back. It took months to recover and I still have the scars. It was something that changed my life.

Ironically, I had been thinking of a verse in Hebrews just the night before. I wondered what it meant.

“He makes his angels spirits, and his servants flames of fire.”

Hebrews 1:7

 As I healed I prayed for understanding. Why did the Lord allow this to me? I was in my third year at a Bible college and had given my life over for the Gospel. Why did this happen to me?

I’ve never gotten a complete answer from the Lord, but it did confirm my call into the ministry. It also made me aware of the precariousness of our lives. It taught me to appreciate life.

The doctor told me that if I had run outside instead of staying inside I could have died. God preserved me for His own purposes. We have no way of knowing “our time.”

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

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An Armored Response

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When the Holy Spirit talks we listen. What He shares is usually pretty relevant, and typically mandates our action. He is into change, and guides us into Christlikeness.

In my prayer time I saw a man climbing into the turret of a tank. He was sheltered there, protected by the tank’s armor. He seemed to be discovering the capabilities of the tank. He slowly began to grasp the potential of it, and soon began to turn the massive gun. He played around, not so much as a soldier, but as a child would. It was fun to spin the turret around. He could go places on its tracks. He could run over trees.

But slowly he realized that this was much more than a shelter, but it was an offense weapon as well. The tank could be quite formidable, as well as safe and secure. Surrounded by the armor, he at last began to understand exactly what this tank was capable of, and his role as driver/gunner. Using the gun, he could go up against enemy strongholds.

We come into a certain maturity when we begin to obey. God-given tasks become a joy. We start to see not just the defensive perspective, but the offensive as well. God’s ability is given to anyone who asks. His power can’t be diminished. He alone is the force to be reckoned with.

We are often stunted by our vision, we simply don’t grasp the enormity of what has been given to us.

“I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead,”

Ephesians 1:18-19

“For the Kingdom of God is not just a lot of talk; it is living by God’s power.”

1 Corinthians 4:20

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