This poem was written for someone I love who struggles with bipolar disorder. Though I have suffered through depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, I can never truly understand her pain. I want to help but I am at a loss as to what to do.
I wanted to share this here so those who suffer from mental illness might know how your suffering breaks the hearts of those who love you but don’t know what to do.
A Broken Heart of Love
This searing pain in my heart I wish it would go away I pray for it to leave me But it is love I would be hollow without it
I watch you drowning in a sea of turmoil and fear I reach out my hand, the one connected to my broken heart “It’s okay, the sailing’s fine,” you say
I walk away, thinking perhaps my eyes deceive me and you are not drowning, or else why would you say otherwise? I know you would not lie
But still this pain deep down inside my aching heart reminds me that you are not fine, the sea is not calm
The storm rages but I cannot rescue you You cannot see my hand reaching through the darkness beckoning you to dry land
It’s strange getting older. It’s not for the faint of heart.
A whirlwind of days and nights swirl from this human drama, and I think I may be starting thinking about my exit— Lord willing, stage right.
I’m supposed to be a ‘veteran’ now– a mature believer. I’m not supposed to get stressed. However, age is a brutal teacher– and it seems we have to learn so dang fast, it’s like trying to drink from a fire hose. (Just the other day three teeth almost came out from the blast.)
Getting old is great in some ways. I only wish I could do it more gracefully.
On top of it all, it seems to me like my sin has poisoned the air that others must breathe. I have contaminated so much. You might just say, I have ‘soured’ everyone’s milk. “Learning to live with the regrets” is a class that we should add to the local high school’s curriculum. It certainly would be useful.
A old friend is celebrating her birthday so I volleyed a semi serious “tongue and cheek” regret at her. But then, I suddenly realized that there is a point when we realize that behind every older person, is someone else wondering what the hell has happened, and how did it get this way so fast? It would be funny if it weren’t so serious.
As a Christian, I tentatively believe that this world I’m in, has folded open for me, and God has specified a direction. I do contend though, unbelief is easier on a certain level, but I do not intend to take any detours. Perhaps the real trick about reading a map in the car is that you most likely won’t get it folded back the same way ever again. You must learn to accept this. And as a rule, maps seldom reveal the best detours.
“Even as you grow old and your hair turns gray, I’ll keep carrying you! I am your Maker and your Caregiver. I will carry you and be your Savior.”
Isaiah 46:4
I must admit to having a connection to “Bumble”, that crazy, loveable, abominable snowman in one of those schlocky, animated children TV classics from my youth. I guess I identify with that ‘misfit’ yeti– someone who finally sees the light, but only when all his teeth are pulled! Somewhere in that show he seemed almost good, but didn’t we all wonder for a while if he would come around or not?
I also wonder about the thief on the cross who got his ticket punched by Jesus at the last possible moment. When we finally make it to heaven, we will find him there laughing and celebrating like everyone else, just like he belonged. I guess grace does that to a person.
“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me.”
John 10:14
Who can understand this tremendous scriptural truth? To be shepherded by him is the ultimate evidence that we are truly loved. To say that he cares for me is a mystery and an astonishment.
Good Shepherd, be patient
And I know you will
There is much confusion
And honestly, there is no peace
W
Bear me up, hold me close
I’m your wandering lamb
And an obstinate sheep
Good Shepherd, be patient
W
There are intricacies in my heart
Which never cease to surprise me
As I twist myself to the light
Good Shepherd, be patient
w
Encountering a resistance, a well
That bubbles up within
Ashamed, and yet brazen
Good Shepherd, be patient with me
w
An immense glory is waiting
Given freely by one who knows (me)
Golden is my name, secure and safe
Good Shepherd, you are patient
Let him shepherd you. Jesus earnestly wishes that you embrace his care, he stays available 24/7, 365 days a year. When things get really hard, he will come and carry you to green pastures.
Does being in prison change a person? How would it affect you? I imagine the Apostle Paul’s frustration. He loved to disciple and establish churches. To be confined like this would be quite difficult. What a spiritual trial it would’ve been. Me, personally, I would have definite issues. I made a list. I probably would be:
Angry? Depressed?
Frustrated? Anxious?
Full of self-pity?
Isolated, lonely?
Frightened?
During his imprisonment, I’m sure that the Apostle Paul had to work through all of these things–I’m certain that Satan tempted him repeatedly. I think the man Paul had dealt with the enemy through all of this (and more besides). Most feel that he would be imprisoned in Rome for at least two years. That’s a long time.
It’s generally agreed that he wrote the four epistles in 60-62 AD. These letters are regarded as written from his prison cell in Rome: Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, and Philemon. Each of these four is different. (But admittedly, Philemon is the most unalike.)
And yet the scent of the prison can be found in these writings.
Despite the possible response of an incarcerated man, Paul’s writings from the Mamertine Prison are incredibly encouraging–he shows none of the issues of a man locked in a cell–but yet there are hard things he must deal with. Take a second to look at some direct references to his imprisonment.
“I appeal to you, instead, on the basis of love. I, Paul, as an elderly man and now also as a prisoner of Christ Jesus,” (Philemon 9.)
I am going to Jerusalem, constrained by the Spirit, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies to me in every city that imprisonment and afflictions await me. But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God (Acts 20:22-24).
“For this reason I, Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus on behalf of you Gentiles,” (Ephesians 3:10).
“I, Paul, write this greeting with my own hand. Remember my chains. Grace be with you.” (Col. 4:18).
“I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ.” (Philippians 1:12-14).
“The following night the Lord stood by him and said, “Take courage, for as you have testified to the facts about me in Jerusalem, so you must testify also in Rome.” (Acts 23:11).
It’s clear to me that Paul used this time to witness through his writings. He never grew bitter, only better. One could suggest that it’s we have been blessed by these epistles. His time in prison was the time he needed to bless us today. Where would we be without these books?
A papyrus fragment from Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians.
How many times was Paul imprisoned? Was he jailed once, twice, or several times? I’ve read different commentaries and they can’t decide. It’s a challenge to put together a solid timeline. There seems to be more evidence for two different confinements. Check out this site if you want to dig deeper.
But no matter what. These writings are God’s gift to us today.
From a dark prison, Paul writes these absolutely incredible letters. I believe Satan wanted to destroy Paul. I also think that this was a tremendous trial for him. He was a spiritual dynamo, wanting to establish and strengthen churches and then being chained to a wall must’ve been a challenge for him. There was so much for him to do.
But we desperately needed these letters!
Perhaps, out of our confusion and challenges, God’s purpose goes far beyond what we think. Sometimes we have no idea what our “imprisonment” is going to do. That encourages me. He turns our hard times into spiritual gold!
Through these letters, we’ve been given so much. These epistles are written from Rome’s dungeon, and yet they continue to shake the world!
Broken Believers 