Tag: christian

Keeping God on Track

God’s Quality Management Questionnaire

Help Us Regulate the Almighty– Keeping Him Accountable is Our Purpose

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol’ me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No

If not, please describe here the problems you initially encountered. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Michael Vick, Tiger Woods)
___ When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Ted Haggard
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Pro Football
___mushrooms                                                                                                                                ___sex, drugs and rock/roll

___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer. (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God’s handling of the following: (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water                                                                                                                     1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God’s Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

-Writer unknown

Disclaimer– This is supposed to be funny/satire. If this post offends you in any way, forgive me. God (the real one) is at work in my heart. If you enjoyed this post, praise the Lord, I am happy!

cropped-851.jpg

Long Furrows

The Plowers

“Many a time they have afflicted me
from my youth;
Yet they have not prevailed against
me.
The plowers plowed on my back;
They made their furrows long.”

Psalm 129:2-3

The farmers here have begun making long furrows.

Lord, help us trust our deep afflicted places to you, that You may plant good in them.  And here’s a simple poem . . .

^

He Prevails

potato-hot.com
potato-hot.com

From our youth
they have afflicted

yet somehow
they have failed

though pushed down
and plowed long

His will for us
prevails.

flourishx

With Love,

Debbie

Deb’s blog can be found and read at: http://iftodaywehear.wordpress.com/

Related articles

Ears That Hear

Used during WWII to locate bombers over London
Used during WWII to locate bombers over London

It intrigues me as I think of how much we need each other. For most of my life, it seems the opposite was true. I thought I needed my independence, to be entirely self-reliant and to be bolder and more assertive.

But much of my struggle, through health and mental crisis’, through the death of a child, really has broken a strong back of this resolve. The question I hear now from the Lord; isn’t how strong are you– but rather, how weak are you?

“The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom,
    so that I know how to comfort the weary.
Morning by morning he wakens me
    and opens my understanding to his will.
5 The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me,
    and I have listened.
    I have not rebelled or turned away.”

Isaiah 50:4-5, NLT

“The Lord God has given Me the tongue of disciples” is the NASB translation of verse 4. It is a serious mistake if we see ‘discipleship’ as a solitary endeavor. Instead, it is like the connective tissue that surrounds our muscles. The body needs to unite efforts, activities, ideas, and purposes through our combined discipleship.

Isaiah 50 advances this idea. The simple picture is of a person sleeping who is suddenly awake. Lying in bed, they start to listen. It’s not the birds singing. It is God speaking. And not only is there a gentle voice, but accompanying it is wisdom and grace to unleash what has been said. And that is an art that we must learn.

“The weary” are everywhere, but typically you share with just two or three. But the right words, at the right time, with a perfect wisdom can really rock. Lives can be turned with just a word.

*

ybic, Bryan

Related articles

An Astonishing Love

Oh, how He loves you!

By Charles Spurgeon and Bryan Lowe

____

A short conversation about love, grace and sin.

*flourish1

*

“Dost thou know, O saint, how much the Holy Spirit loves thee?”

 “Me? I can’t imagine why. I’m the chief of sinners. I’m rotten to the core. I can bring nothing at all to Him.”

“Canst thou measure the love of the Spirit? Dost thou know how great is the affection of his soul towards thee?”

“So you say. But I really can’t see why He would. I want to believe, I really do. I can only be a liability. My sin is heavy.”

“Go measure heaven with thy span; go weigh the mountains in the scales; go take the ocean’s water, and tell each drop; go count the sand upon the sea’s wide shore; and when thou hast accomplished this, thou canst tell how much he loveth thee.”

“If this is true, then perhaps maybe I am worth something, I suppose. But frankly, my imagination staggers just trying to grasp this.”

“He has loved thee long, he has loved thee well, he loved thee ever, and he still shall love thee; surely he is the person to comfort thee, because he loves.”

“This kind of love is fantastically amazing, isn’t it. I must try to tell others what has happened to me.”

*

From the Daily Help Devotional, and my imagination.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1834-92) was England’s best-known preacher for most of the second half of the nineteenth century. In 1854, just four years after his conversion, Spurgeon, then only 20, became pastor of London’s famed New Park Street Church (formerly pastored by the famous Baptist theologian John Gill). The congregation quickly outgrew their building, moved to Exeter Hall, then to Surrey Music Hall. In these venues Spurgeon frequently preached to audiences numbering more than 10,000—all in the days before electronic amplification. In 1861 the congregation moved permanently to the newly constructed Metropolitan Tabernacle.

Spurgeon’s printed works are voluminous, and those provided here are only a sampling of his best-known works, including his magnum opus, The Treasury of David. Nearly all of Spurgeon’s printed works are still in print and available from Pilgrim Publications, PO Box 66, Pasadena, TX USA 77501.

*

ybic, Bryan

Related articles