When I think “gentleness”, what pops into my mind is my wife holding and caressing my infant daughter almost 20 years ago. Her touch is soothing. She softly hums a lullaby. The farthest thing from her thinking at that quiet moment, is anything harsh or cruel.
One of my favorite verses telegraphs the wonderous news, “He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle.” (Isaiah 42:3, NLT). God’s temperament is gentle and kind. He is patient far beyond any human logic. As a matter of fact, his love seems to be borderline ridiculous. As believers, we need to get used to His strange proclivities of loving all and turning away none. I really believe that harshness and cruelty are the furthest thing from His mind or heart.
I for one, am glad God is like this. When I’m depressed or manic, paranoid or confused, I am so glad that God is not a man. He doesn’t give up on me, others have marked me off as a discipleship failure, and let me go. But He loves me even more than a mother loves the baby on her lap.
A.W. Tozer writing on Psalm 18:35: “Your gentleness has made me great.”
“God is easy to live with. Satan’s first attack upon the human race was his sly effort to destroy Eve’s confidence in the kindness of God. Unfortunately for her and for us he succeeded too well. From that day, men have had a false conception of God, and it is exactly this that has cut out from under them the ground of righteousness and driven them to reckless and destructive living.
Nothing twists and deforms the soul more than a low or unworthy conception of God. Certain sects, such as the Pharisees, while they held that God was stern and austere, yet managed to maintain a fairly high level of external morality; but their righteousness was only outward.
Instinctively we try to be like our God, and if He is conceived to be stern and exacting, so will we ourselves be. The truth is that God is the most winsome of all beings and His service one of unspeakable pleasure.
The fellowship of God is delightful beyond all telling. He communes with His redeemed ones in an easy, uninhibited fellowship that is restful and healing to the soul.
He remembers our frame and knows that we are dust. He may sometimes chasten us, it is true, but even this He does with a smile, the proud, tender smile of a Father who is bursting with pleasure over an imperfect but promising son who is coming every day to look more and more like the One whose child he is.”
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– A.W. Tozer in The Root of the Righteous, pp. 13-16. As quoted in the Banner of Truth Magazine (issue 531; Dec. 2007).
by Maryann B. Hunsberger | CT, originally posted 8/27/2007
After a long absence from making music, not to mention a series of tragedies—including a divorce and her daughter’s suicide—CCM veteran Kelly Willard is back on the scene.
Since the early days of the Jesus movement, Kelly Willard has been a part of Christian music, recording with many of names associated with the pioneers of CCM before releasing her 1978 debut at the age of 21. With nine albums to her credit, Willard has also been featured on more than two dozen worship projects from Integrity Hosanna!, Vineyard, and Maranatha! Music. Now with the release of her new CD Paga, Willard is finally back on the scene, though she’s never been totally absent. She spoke to us from her Florida home about the things occupying her time for the last 15 years: her family, her recording career, her ministry, and a series of tragedies in 2004.
Your last album was in 1990. What have you been up to all these years?
Kelly Willard It was a priority to be home with my husband and children, since I home-schooled both children. And although I stopped recording my own albums and touring to raise my children, I didn’t stop working in Christian music. I lived in Nashville, so I continued to do session work. I’ve done background vocals for artists, and I’ve done solos on praise-and-worship albums. I’ve always followed what was going on in Christian music, and I’ve continued to do as much music as I could.
It sounds like life has been busy.
Willard Very busy. My mother had Alzheimer’s, so we took her in and cared for her for ten years. I was responsible for her health while my children were growing up. I was home-schooling and doing studio session singing while caring for my mother. I haven’t done much since 2004 because of what life has been like since then.
What happened that year?
Willard It was the worst year of my life. On Valentine’s Day, my father died of pulmonary fibrosis. Later, in March, my 29-year marriage fell apart. I worked so hard on the marriage, even going to counseling. But the marriage fell out from under me because the spiritual foundation of the home fell short. My parents were divorced when I was 13, and I said I’d never divorce. It was so traumatic, because my marriage and family were my life. It’s been hard for me to accept.
Then my 18-year-old daughter Haylie fell through the cracks—on August 29, she committed suicide. She had severe depression and she stopped taking her medication. The divorce was a huge factor in her death. It’s the saddest thing ever. Whenever I sang locally in Nashville, Haylie would sing with me, and mher. And in October, my mother died from Alzheimer’s. So, it really was the worst year ever y son Bryan would play bass. She wrote songs and loved the Lord. Too much sadness just overcame for me.
Did you struggle with feelings of failure during this time?
Willard Totally and completely. For your child to check out of life is just horrific. It’s unthinkable, unspeakable pain.
Does depression run in your family, since it is usually a hereditary illness?
Willard Yes. In 1987, when we had just released Message from a King, my fourth album, I was diagnosed with manic-depressive illness. The medication back then affected me badly, so I stopped taking it. In 2002, the diagnosis was reconfirmed, but with a new name: bipolar disorder. I got on a newer medication and it has worked well. It helped me get through the trauma of the last few years. I believe my mother also had bipolar disorder, but it went undiagnosed.
How did your son handle everything?
Willard Bryan was out of the house already. He had gotten an apartment when he was 18 with his friend Phil LaRue and a couple other guys—he played bass with the group LaRue. Then he began to court his wife Liz and they married. So they now live in Nashville and have a daughter Ariel. He’s 24 now and such a strong Christian—a singer, writer, and worship leader, traveling and playing bass for Jason Upton’s band.
What have the last three years been like for you?
Willard It’s been a time of healing. It’s a slow process and it has taken time, but it is happening. I moved to Jacksonville Beach, Florida for support from Beaches Chapel, a church that took me in and helped me move on after my life fell apart. Haylie and I had sung there in 2002 and they had a real burden for me. When things got bad, Pastor Steve McCoy could see how fragile I was. He would call me in Nashville. He asked me to come down for six months, so I did. I went into weekly grief therapy with a Christian grief counselor for 18 months. I also began taking classes at church. The accountability to my pastor and my grief therapist and Jamie kept me alive, as there were times that I honestly didn’t want to live. But, God hung onto me, even when I felt like I couldn’t hang on.
I read a lot of books about heaven, and I get really excited, because reading them helps me live the reality of what our faith is all about. Also, I met Jamie Wellington at church and he became a friend who stood by me. Eventually, he and I got married and I still live in Florida today. God gave me a brand new start in every way.
Which at last brings you back to recording a new album.
Willard I began working on it seven years ago. I thought I’d never record another solo album, but the Holy Spirit impressed on me to involve my kids in making an album with me. That’s my son Bryan rocking on the bass when he was barely 18. His buddies Miles McPherson and Rob Hawkins also played on it. Haylie, who was 15 at the time, sang a duet with me on “Beautiful Jesus.”
Your daughter had a beautiful voice. Is it hard listening to that song?
Willard I made myself listen to it once, just the other day. I saw her on the other side when I heard that.
Where does the title for Paga come from?
Willard I listened to a teaching tape by Jim Goll called “From Prayer to His Presence.” He explained how the Old Testament priests would take incense behind the curtain and burn it as an atonement. This is called “paga” in Hebrew and it means “to make intercession.” When Jesus became our sacrifice, he made the way for our prayers, praises, and worship to become like that incense to the Lord. I wanted this album to draw people to the Lord and take part in that intercession.
I like your cover of “Charity.”
Willard As far as I know, nobody has recorded that song since Jamie Owens Collins recorded it for her first solo album in the ’70s. Which is bizarre, as it’s a great song.
What changes have you seen in the Christian music world since the Jesus movement music in the ’70s?
Willard The ’70s brought a surge of Christian music with Love Song and all the groups from California. It was a great movement of music. But about 20 years ago, I remember Christian radio changing and sounding just like secular radio with DJs trying to act and talk cool, trying to be hip. A lot of the music seemed to lose something. Then, a little more than ten years ago, I saw a revival begin. Very fresh worship and praise music was coming out. Artists like Delirious, Jars of Clay, and Matt Redman were singing about relationships with the Lord again. It was encouraging to see a turn back to simple relationships with Jesus. That’s what everyone loved about early Christian music when people just sang about what Jesus was doing in their lives and they invited others to come along. It’s gotten back to that in much of Christian music.
“Then they went back to Lystra, Iconium, and Antioch in Pisidia. 22They encouraged the followers and begged them to remain faithful. They told them, “We have to suffer a lot before we can get into God’s kingdom.”
Acts 14:21-22, CEV
Paul and Barnabas, together are perhaps the most gifted men ever to minister the Gospel. They have an amazing love for the Church. They operate out of great difficulty, but the deep work they do, proceeds out of encouragement. I looked at a dozen or so translations of the Bible–all of them translate this, “encouraged.” Every single one!
Earlier in chapter 14, we can read about the brutality and ugliness they had to walk through. It was very bad, beyond belief. But these two never ever lose their love for the Lord, and for His people. Their ministry continued to be full of optimism and comfort. They simply can’t be poisoned by the nastiness and bitterness just days before.
They understand something. What they have to say (as they minister that comfort) kind of boggles everyone’s thinking.
They said, “We must suffer many things to enter God’s kingdom.”
Comforting and strengthening, isn’t it? Sometimes when I read this passage I can’t believe what they are saying! It doesn’t make any sense at all. I believe there are three things we must process to fully understand these verses.
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1) What comforts us is not always comfortable.
I’m slowly coming to the place of accepting pain and sickness as my personal doorway into the Lord’s kingdom. I know my mental illness has opened an entrance into something wonderful. My months of being institutionalized in different hospitals has seemed to have filled me with grace, gentleness and love–in other words, the kingdom. At least that is what I think.
2) What we think is the best way often is not.
No one chooses one’s particular path. If we could we would all be driving a BMW and our homes would be palaces, we would win the lottery on a regular basis. Our children would be little angels. We would never be sick, or have a chronic illness. But–we can’t enter His kingdom, unless there are trials. They have to be there, they must. Somewhere it says, if we suffer, we will reign.
3) What we need from our elders and pastors is the truth.
Often the leadership of the Church keeps this one in the closet. They communicate very well other subjects that are enjoyable. And we pressure them to do this, gently and subliminally of course. And everyone wonders why we don’t mature in our faith. Paul and Barnabas are tremendous leaders, but they don’t roll things in sugar, and their ministry carries on the sufferings of Jesus.
Often it seems, when God chooses to bless a man or a woman greatly, He will send a trial to prepare them deeply.
I guess I’m in a wandering/wondering frame of mind. I’ve been hearing voices off and on. They are clear, distinct and I suppose rather commanding. Previously I’ve dealt with ‘tinnitus’, but this is definitely different. The voices are not incredibly sophisticated–its usually just one or two words. Quite simple actually.
Perhaps the full reason of why this is a problem, because I wonder about some sort of ‘mental degradation’.
Am I getting worse?
Are the ‘voices’ the sign of the end for me?
Will they take over?
Will I turn into a blathering idiot?
Could they be ‘demonic’ or worse?
I have this image of a stark raving crazy guy, hung up on religion and ‘right-wing extremism’, foaming at the mouth and ‘heading for a bunker up in the mountains.’ But I am none of these things. Maybe that’s why it scares me so. I cannot relate to any of this, and I don’t want to. I am not that person. This is not me.
The voices by themselves, not extrapolating their content, are disruptive enough. They don’t have to be specific, all they have to be is loud and insistent. It really doesn’t matter if I obey them. They disrupt me just by speaking. (I hope they never decide to expand their vocabulary!)
I have a new insight tomy brothers and sisters who struggle with schizophrenia/bipolar. Many are on the streets, and they are desperately homeless. On almost a ‘medieval’ level they battle with dragons. Sometimes they push back the beastie, and then sometimes they themselves are slammed back. But no matter what will happen that day, God’s love meets the warrior, and He lifts them up.
Voices. These are not dredged up, or manipulated. I definitely do not ‘manufacture’ them. I certainly not doing this for attention. But when they do press me (with an order or command) I do know that it is an alien voice, coming from outside of me. I know the presence of Jesus pushes them away. I call on His name and they flee.
I have to believe, that God is holding on to me with both hands.
He will not let me slide into the night, alone. He has determined that darkness will never claim me. I turn as I can, to look at Him, face-to-face by faith. “He has come to heal the broken-hearted. A bruised reed, He will not break. A smoking wick, He will not quench” (Isa. 43:3). What an awesome promise! We serve a gentle and protective God.
There may (or may not) be spiritual warfare issues. I believe that there is a magnificent power in the name of Jesus. The blood and the cross are for my protection. I shelter in all He is and all He has done, If anything, they push me toward the Lord Jesus and He protects me.
by Maryann B. Hunsberger | CT, originally posted 8/27/2007 
Broken Believers 