“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”
Philippians 1:6
Category: bruised mind
Paranoia and Delusions, Oh My!
Didn’t really sleep last night but an interesting day. Hope it continues to develop in that direction. I really need a good day to come along right now.
Been thinking about paranoia. It comes loaded up with delusions. They are separate words, but when they make that toxic combination it gets strange. Are people out to get me? Probably not. People are by far and away more apt to dismiss me then to plot against me.
Paranoia is the belief in a hidden order behind the visible.
Delusions are a strong belief in something despite superior evidence to the contrary.
I don’t know why this is such a hard concept to hold on. Paranoia is intensely self-absorbed and egocentric. Everything is conspiring to destroy me is a very foolish way to live. In a culture already overheated by egomania, to offend me becomes a declaration of war. My paranoia makes you a mortal enemy. But to act from that destroys me. I only take it deeper and make it easier to slide into the next time.
Paranoia is not rational. You can not reason with it. (You certainly have my permission.) For me, I win the battle over paranoia and delusions by “displacement”, pushing it out by adding in the presence of Jesus. The Holy Spirit fills us and flushes out the bad. At least that is what it feels like.
When I recognize Him to be the good shepherd, He watches over my thoughts like sheep. He protects me from paranoia’s snares and thorns. I experience peace when He is present. I find Jesus actively helps me in this.
There are times I hear the voices, and “see” the monstrous faces leering out of the wallpaper. But more often I concoct delusions about people who I feel have slighted me. Paranoia provides plenty of grist for me to grind. I’m learning how to recognize the lies, and the liar who speaks them to me.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.”
2 Timothy 1:7, AMP
Often I hear what seems like a telegraph, a varying ‘dot-dash-dot.’ It is very loud and obtrusive, but I know now it’s not real. I read a cool quote, that made me laugh, “I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.” -Emo Phillips
I hope your day goes good.
&
Losing Time
“The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again.”
— Andrew Solomon (The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression)
This morning we turned our clocks back one hour. I much prefer this adjustment over the spring moving them ahead, as I always feel cheated when I have to do this.
Losing time is one of those quiet issues that a mentally ill person often faces. The days spent in bed, the hours “hiding” in our rooms, the minutes frittered away with dull and anxious thinking are forever lost.
I have to believe that somehow God intervenes on behalf of the broken believer. That He can redeem all the time wasted in depression and its misery. The loss is tangible. But so is His redemption of me.
“Then I will make up to you for the years
That the swarming locust has eaten,
The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust,”
Joel 2:25, NASB
The prophet Joel saw the devastation that swarms of locusts had made on Israel’s crops. He observed the damage they had inflicted, and the loss they brought.
The theme of restoration runs through the Old Testament. It has the idea of reparations and repayment for God’s people. In many places God speaks a word of promise to those who suffered loss.
“He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.”
Psalm 23:3
David’s shepherd psalm speaks hope and life to those of us who’ve suffered loss, “He restores my soul.” Psalm 23 describes the deep essence of God as a shepherd caring for His own, We can find in Him the restoration we want and need.
God’s heart for wayward sheep is huge. He loves those with a mental illness, and He comes to us willing and capable to redeem all our past yesterdays. He brings us beauty out of the ashes:
“and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.”
Isaiah 61:3, NIV
All we have to do is wait. Lay out your issues of loss before Him. Let Him become the Lord of your past.
your brother, Bryan
A Fog Like a Cage Without a Key
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”
Elizabeth Wurtzel
Depression is a stealthy thief; anxiety is like an unwanted guest. Both are brutal companions to have skulking around. They carry misery wheresoever they go.
A good many people simply don’t understand you. They often chalk up feelings like this to a lack of faith. And true, there maybe these issues. We understand having faith to be healed. But what about faith to be sick? Isn’t this just as important?
I have to believe that being a broken believer, with a mental illness, is as formidable challenge. I have to believe that holding a faith in a merciful God in my depression is as critical as any miraculous healing. [It may even take more faith.]
I believe in supernatural healing. Jesus Christ is the same today as when He walked the shores of Galilee. I trust in His grace and know His power. Many are touched by His healing hand.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
Hebrews 13:8
Depression comes– and it irrevocably changes me. But mixed with an ample dose of His love, it loses much of the sting. I know it is painful and seems endless. But the Lord promises to deliver me, and He is always faithful. Always faithful. Always.
Faith handles chronic depression quite handily. It has never lost a single bout. I want to encourage you today. If you’re not in the throes of deep depression now, begin to build your faith for those lean times ahead. Start to stock up provisions spiritually.
If I have throughly confused you, I apologize. Perhaps this post was meant for someone else, and that’s ok too. Oh, and that fog— there is a key.
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6, NASB
Broken Believers 