“That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
Calvin & Hobbes, comic strip
One of the blessings of turning 55 is I come to a place where I can sit and think about my life. I’m intrigued by how it unfolded the way that it did. I know I can be a bit of an eccentric. But that’s ok. When the warm ocean current of depression and the cold water current of weird personality meet it will get very tumultuous. And being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder brings even more issues. But I do admit– I have lived life hard. (Perhaps harder then it had to be.)
I do have a ‘dark side.’ One of the most disturbing areas I had was an almost insatiable thirst for ‘euphoria.’ Both drugs and alcohol, I discovered would put me in the place of exhilaration and elation. And I longed for anything that would put me in this mental state. If you had come to me with two hits of ‘acid,’ I would definitely take them both, and not even blink. That has changed since I accepted Christ. The impulses are tamed by God’s Spirit and Word. (Thank God!)
My quest for euphoria has taken me down some strange paths. I learned to buy those drugs that would work that special bliss into my being. But I couldn’t maintain euphoria. I chased after that idea, without ever achieving it. LSD, PCP, marijuana, whiskey, cocaine, and even ‘needles’— all those old standbys have brought me to a false sense of inner freedom. I tried to stay ‘stoned’ as long as I could. I drank enough vodka to float a battleship. I was a maniac. Completely out-of-control.
“You will be bruised all over, without even remembering how it all happened. And you will lie awake asking, “When will morning come, so I can drink some more?”
Proverbs 23:35, CEV
The man who penned this must have knew the back side of getting hammered. There is a lot of pain in this lifestyle, and not just hangovers and depression. Yet we can’t wait until we can start it all over again. This love for the high is the precursor to addiction. Crossing this line is a moment of strange logic for the user, but in reality, it is a form of mental illness and insanity.
My addictions (which imprinted an ‘addictive personality’) are seldom reasonable. As I pursue the euphoria (I love to get “high!”) my own ravenous appetite begins to feed off my own personality. When a dam breaks, it starts at a tiny leak. This can take several years. But the pressure will slowly continue and then it begins to escalate. Soon the water pushes through until the dam breaks. Floods ensue as the lake flows through. Disaster is just that close.
“You say to each other, “Let’s drink till we’re drunk! Tomorrow we’ll do it again. We’ll really enjoy ourselves.”
Isa. 56:12, CEV
When we pursue, and then try to purchase our euphoria, we will inevitably end up as drunks and as addicts. When fixed on the pursuit of carnal pleasure, we end up destroying ourselves, and the lives of those closest to us. When I start hurting others by my actions, I must consider I may have a big problem. Maturity is in part, understanding our desperateness, and then moving beyond it. But the reality is that we are scarred, and that we continue to escape by “the skin of our teeth” until we die or get sober. Only Christ can save the euphoria-chaser.
Sometimes I’m a piece of work, it’s alright though because I’m His piece of work.
These are a list of things that people who have difficulties when they become high or manic have found helpful:
Try to get some sleep. Going without sleep has been shown to cause manic states and make them last longer.
Eat well. Don’t go without food or eat high energy food. Eat slowly.
Use relaxation techniques. Quiet prayer works well right now.
Stay in bed even though you feel compelled to do lots of things.
Don’t act on your ideas. In a few days time you may see things completely differently. Emailing friends now is dangerous. (I know).
Don’t buy anything expensive. Some people have found it helpful to give their credit cards/check book to friends. (I tried to buy a 7 foot potted tree in London, UK once, because it was lonely.)
Use medication, herbal remedies, or other things that slow you down and/or help you sleep. Think “speed bumps”.
Take relaxing (rather than high energy) exercise e.g. walking, swimming. This is a must-do.
Make a plan for each day and keep to it. Don’t plan to do too much.
Try to do things slowly rather than quickly. Talk and walk consciously slower than you feel driven to.
Challenge any grandiose ideas you might have about yourself. You must do this!
Reduce any pressures or stresses on you.
Cut out stimulants e.g. coffee, sugar, chocolate, fizzy drinks, alcohol. Some anti-depressants (e.g. the SSRIs like Prozac) can have stimulant-like effects – discuss this with your doctor and consider stopping them.
It may be helpful for you to make a plan about what to do before you get really elevated. You know yourself best, so build as many things into the plan that you feel will help you not do things you may later regret. It may be helpful to draw up a plan, and a list of ‘warning signs’, with a trusted friend or mental health professional at a time when you are not ‘high’, but that can be put into place as you or others notice your warning signs.
Some people believe that ‘getting manic’ is a response to not thinking about or facing things that might be quite frightening or depressing. It might be helpful to ‘get connected’ to such things, by talking and thinking about your life and some of the root causes of some unhappiness in your life. You could do this with a trusted friend or mental health professional.
1. Do not expect too much from yourself too soon, as this will only accentuate feelings of failure. Avoid setting difficult goals or taking on ambitious new responsibilities until you’ve solidly begun a structured treatment process.
2. Break large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what can be done, as it can be done.
3. Recognize patterns in your mood. Like many people with depression, the worst part of the day for you may be the morning. Try to arrange your schedule accordingly so that the demands are the least in the morning. For example, you may want to shift your meetings to midday or the afternoon.
4. Participate in activities that may make you feel better. Try exercising, going to a movie or a ball game, or participating in church or social activities. At a minimum, such activities may distract you from the way you feel and allow the day to pass more quickly.
5. You may feel like spending all day in bed, but do not. While a change in the duration, quality and timing of sleep is a core feature of depression, a reversal in sleep cycle (such as sleeping during daytime hours and staying awake at night) can prolong recovery. Give others permission to wake you up in the morning. Schedule “appointments” that force you to get out of the house before 11 a.m. Do this scheduling the night before; waiting until the morning to decide what you will be doing ensures you will do nothing.
6. Don’t get upset if your mood is not greatly improved right away. Feeling better takes time. Do not feel crushed if after you start getting better, you find yourself backsliding. Sometimes the road to recovery is like a roller coaster ride.
7. People around you may notice improvement in you before you do. You may still feel just as depressed inside, but some of the outward manifestations of depression may be receding.
8. Try not to make major life decisions (such as changing jobs or getting married or divorced) without consulting others who know you well and who have a more objective view of your situation.
9. Do not expect to snap out of your depression on your own by an exercise of will power. This rarely happens. Many churches and communities have depression support groups. Connect with people who understand depression and the recovery process.
10. Remind yourself that your negative thinking is part of the depression and will disappear as the depression responds to treatment.
Personally, I have wrestled with anxiety over the years. The residual effect on my personality has been profound. The ‘panic attacks’ are coming about once a week, and they can be a formidable enemy. So far, I have not required meds for them, but I usually just crawl into bed, dim the lights and pray. They seems to pass in about 20 minutes. However the other symptoms kind of linger– a sort of ‘background noise’ to the soundtrack of my everyday life. Low levels of anxiety can be brought under control by the work of the Holy Spirit.
I hold God by His promises of peace. I have not been instantly healed yet, but I’m learning to cling to Jesus through it. I have to believe that anxiety keeps me close to Him, I suppose that is a good thing.
Common anxiety symptoms include:
Body (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the body in general):
Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)
Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles
Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)
Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin
Body jolts, body zaps, electric jolt feeling in body, intense body tremor or “body shake”
Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature
Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin
Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders
Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
Fear of passing out
Fear that you are losing your mind
Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
Need to seat near exits
Head (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the head):
Burning, itchy, tight scalp
Dizziness
Dizzy
Dizziness or light-headedness
Frequent headaches, migraine headaches
Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness
Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
Head zaps, head tremors
Giddiness
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
Shooting pains in the face
Shooting pains in the scalp or head
When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards
Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache
TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) – clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth
Hearing/Ear(s) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with hearing):
Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can’t get out
Low rumbling sounds
Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears
Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head
Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)
Mind (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mind and thinking):
Afraid of everything
Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
Deja Vu, a feeling like you’ve done or experienced something before
Depersonalization
Derealization
Desensitization
Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
Disorientation
Fear of going crazy
Fear of losing control
Fear of impending doom
Feelings of unreality
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
Having difficulty concentrating
Nightmares, bad dreams
Obsession about sensations or getting better
Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
Short-term memory impairment, can’t remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
“Stuck” thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that “stick” in your mind and replay over and over again.
Trapped in your mind feeling
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Mood / Emotions (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with mood, emotions, and feelings):
Always feeling angry and lack of patience
Depersonalization
Depression
Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)
Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb
Emotional “flipping” (dramatic mood swings)
Emotions feel wrong
Everything is scary, frightening
Feeling down in the dumps
Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
Frequently being on edge or ‘grouchy’
Feel like crying for no apparent reason
Have no feelings about things you used to
Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You feel like you are under pressure all the time
Mouth/Stomach (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mouth and stomach):
A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste
Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)
Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these together or at different times
Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these, or all of these together or at different times
Choking
Constant craving for sugar or sweets
Constipation
Diarrhea
Difficulty swallowing
Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn’t moving right, slurred speech
Dry mouth
Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat
Feeling like your tongue is swollen
Lack of appetite or taste
Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat
Mouth muscles twitching/jumping
Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
Nausea
Nausea vomiting
Nausea or abdominal stress
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
Teeth grinding
The thought of eating makes you nauseous
Tight throat, lump in throat
Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
TMJ
Tongue symptoms – Tingly, “stretched,” numb, frozen, itchy, “crawly,” burning, twitching, “jumpy,” aching, sore, or swollen tongue (when it isn’t).
Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
Vomiting
Skin (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the skin):
Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Skin problems, infections, rashes
Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):
Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams
Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake
Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night
Jolting awake
Waking up in a panic attack
You feel worse in the mornings
Sight (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sight):
Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision
Dry, watery or itchy eyes
Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes
Eyes sensitive to light
Spots in the vision
Flashing lights when eyes are closed
Your depth perception feels wrong
Touch (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with touch):
Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
Feeling cold or chilled
Numbness
Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
Pain
Tingling, pins and needles feelings
Other anxiety symptoms are described as:
Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.
In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack • Having a serious undetected illness • Dying prematurely • Going insane or losing your mind • Suddenly snapping • Losing it • Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love • Losing control of your thoughts and actions • Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself • Losing control • Fainting in public • Not breathing properly • Losing control of reality • Choking or suffocating • Being alone
These are some of the more common anxiety symptoms. This list isn’t exhaustive. :-)
The man who penned this must have knew the back side of getting hammered. There is a lot of pain in this lifestyle, and not just hangovers and depression. Yet we can’t wait until we can start it all over again. This love for the high is the precursor to addiction. Crossing this line is a moment of strange logic for the user, but in reality, it is a form of mental illness and insanity.
Broken Believers 