Tag: discipleship

Give Us This Day, Our Daily Meds

My particular issue is with Bipolar 1, with psychotic features.  I have social anxiety which factors in as well as weird delusions.  The anxiety and delusions are pretty much one and the same.  They are often the things that will touch other people, while the rest is less obtrusive and can be hidden.

I have a tendency to hatch ‘mini-conspiracies’ almost daily.  They can be really paranoid as I think the worse about people, and life as it enfolds around me.  Facebook with its social networking helps, but it has also intensified my issues.  I am very much a recluse, and only get out and about twice a week. There are some who can see through my issues and really help. They are worth more then gold to me.

Depression, which is part of the Bipolar, has been more of a factor just in the last few months.  Suicide, that dark word, will deepen if the depression goes too long without lifting. It is an awful and brutal thing. My last bout was just two months ago and I quit functioning. I really did pray for death. Debilitated, I laid in bed powerless to do anything but sleep, and hide. I didn’t take a shower or bath for almost a month. Just the thought of being pelted by water seemed too violent.

Being a believer gives me a reason to live.  The Holy Spirit is so patient with me.  His companionship is far more helpful than any anti-depressant.  He doesn’t require that I become symptom free to fellowship with Him.  Instead, He weaves with the materials He has, and my discipleship is really no different than other Christian believers. This gives me a constant hope.

Overall, in spite of a very tumultuous, and ‘see-saw life’, I find that life with Jesus (discipleship) is truly grand.  He understands me, and is guiding me.  He is the Shepherd who is good, and I am His sheep who needs kindness and forgiveness always. He bruises no reed, nor does He quench the smoking candle (Matthew 12:20.)

One more thing.  Having a mental illness has, I believe, made me more compassionate and tender toward others.  When I meet a difficult person, I will be the last one to give up on him.  Others will bail out, but I stick.  I guess this can be a bad trait, but I can’t help it.  I love people, esp. those who hurt.

Here’s a list of my daily meds.  I hope this helps someone navigate the wild seas of psychiatry safely.

AM– lithium, 600 mg/Zoloft 200mg/Seroquel 400 mg/Provigil 200mg

NOON-Seroquel 200 mg

PM-lithium 600 mg/Seroquel 400 mg/Lunesta 2 mg

The lithium works mostly on mania, but does help depressive states.  The Zoloft is an anti-depressant (similar to Paxil)  The Provigil is for alertness, I have had issues with daytime sleepiness, esp. since my brain tumor.  Finally the Lunesta is a sleeping pill. This may seem a lot, but it has taken 2-3 years to get it figured out.  If I can help explain any of this, please let me know.  I aim to please!

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A Different Kind of Christian

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A decidedly different believer

“The Lord God has given Me the tongue of disciples,
That I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word.
He awakens Me morning by morning,
He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple.”

Isaiah 50:4, NASB

Here substantial truths get revealed. Discipleship is a rare commodity, we need to both be discipled, and then to disciple others. They are meant to work together, we will never arrive at one place, without the other. Here are some principles we must consider.

First, “God has given Me,” expresses a gift. It also shows God’s heart to us. He is aware of our struggles and inadequacies. He truly knows what we need. This is by grace– first to last.

Second, “the tongue of disciples.” Only by being discipled can we speak “disciplish” with others. What we get from the Father is often meant for others, sometimes even if we need to hear it for ourselves. This is critical, and takes humility.

“Only a disciple can make a disciple.”  ~A.W. Tozer

Third, “how to sustain the weary,” is carrying a word that supernaturally encourages those whom we touch. Our words from God have amazing powers of restoration and reconciliation. However, we need to be convinced of this enough to do it.

Fourth, “He awakens My ear to listen.” The Father tutors us, “in mid-stride” and we are given the right words to speak. I never want to presume to speak from God, but I can have an assurance that my words will be multiplied for the needy. To listen is to be awoken from our sleep.

This verse was spoken to define the scope of Jesus’ own ministry. I use it today to describe our own. Being a disciple of Jesus will give us ample opportunity to minister to others, as the need is humongous. Since we follow Him we can do these things ourselves, fueled by the Holy Spirit.

“No matter how high the powers of reason, no matter how deep the intellect, no one can discover God’s secret messages without paying the cost of true discipleship.” 

~Winkie Pratney

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What Do I Really Need?

“The depressed don’t simply need to feel better. They need a Redeemer who says, “Take heart, my son, my daughter; what you really need has been supplied. Life no longer need be about your goodness, success, righteousness, or failure. I’ve given you something infinitely more valuable than good feelings: your sins are forgiven.” 

Elyse M. Fitzpatrick

 “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:19

It really does come down to “needs” after all.  I don’t need to feel better, and I don’t need a to take another Zoloft.  Do I believe in psych drugs? Yes, most definitely.  I do need to control my moods. But when we talk about need (its really an emphatic word, it needs to be drawn out) I have discovered I really have very few needs.

I’ll tell you what I need.  I need to follow Jesus with my cross.  I need to pray and worship in His presence.  I need to love my wife and children.  I need to love my neighbor.  I need the Word, both ‘rhema’ and ‘logos.’  I need a good pastor, and I need to fellowship with other believers more than I do.

Its good to go through this sifting process.  I do not need to feel happy, healthy, wealthy, content, strong, moral or helpful.  I do need God however. Yes, I am “mentally” ill.  I do take meds to keep me from burning down our house and shooting our dog.  I’ve been listening to music in my head that others can’t hear.  I see things, astonishing things.  I sometimes have to deal with paranoid feelings that would curl your hair.

But what do I really need?  I desperately need God.

I need his love.  I need to know all my sins are forgiven.  I need to know that I will be with him forever and ever.  I guess the challenge is now yours, sort out these issues.  It doesn’t matter what flavor of mental illness you have.  You need Him.  Everything else is mostly froth and scum.

“I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!”

Isaiah 65:24

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No Monkey

“What are these scars from?” she asked.

“They’re battle wounds.” I replied.

She looked at me a long time.

“Who were you battling?”

“Myself.” I replied.

My thinking this morning is how long does the battle have to go on? It seems far too long (and lately tedious). If my life had a sound-track, it probably be a very bland and dull roar, punctuated periodically by maniacal laughter. I hope yours is better than mine.

My battle with mental illness has scarred me for life. I can’t seem to put enough varnish on it to be presentable. I’m aware of all these things. And saddened that it has to be this way. My favorite author is Anne Lamott. She once made this observation, “You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town.” Monkeys are one thing, the circus is another.

“We walk by faith, not by sight,” my Bible tells me so. Each new day has faith embossed in it. Hebrews 11 tells me that many have gone before me, but they had to journey by faith through pain and suffering. Knowing this, I sometimes feel like “jumping ship.”

I hope you don’t regard me as unduly self-absorbed. Astonishingly, my meds aremonkey1 finally working. Life isn’t caustic any more, just mildly abrasive. But I am still a bit unhappy about my attitude. I thought that these meds would make me incredibly normal, but instead I feel blah.

But blah is good. The terror of running amok through another manic phase scares me thoroughly. Anything is better than that. No monkey, but still a circus. But I’m fully known by the One who loves me the most. Jude talks about being “safe.” This is our responsibility.

“But you, dear friends, must build each other up in your most holy faith, pray in the power of the Holy Spirit, 21 and await the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will bring you eternal life. In this way, you will keep yourselves safe in God’s love.”

Jude 20-21

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