Category: failure

Having a Nervous Breakdown

nervous-breakdownThe phrase “nervous breakdown” is a common term used to describe any sort of severe mental distress. It can mean a variety of things: clinical depression, to manic episodes, to hearing voices (or schizophrenia). It is a broad term which can describe many different issues, but especially the most flagrant and public ones.

People who have had a nervous breakdown are very often considered flawed or weak. Their weakness has become public. And so often there is the need for secrecy. At all times and in all places, a solidity must be projected (even if it is unreal). So many don’t realize how much effort it takes some people to act normal.

We are what we are. And Jesus wants us to walk in the truth. Certainly we should never indulge in exhibitionism nor to flaunter our issues before others purposefully. Rather we “are to have the mind of Christ.” All we are is what he wants us to be, (Read Romans 8, and be encouraged).

I think “brokenness” is the only way to handle this spiritually.

We must see ourselves as broken people being made whole be the blood of Christ. We are twisted and torn with many issues and concerns. Perhaps genetically or socially flawed, yet we each stand open to God. It’s necessary is to see that his power and grace can never be restricted, no matter how complicated we are.

Just perhaps we are the modern equivalent of the biblical version of the leper. We are “unclean,” and must make it known publicly. But as lepers we are close to the heart of Jesus. He has always had mercy on such as we. And on the margins we find he is seeking us out. We will stand, because he makes us stand.

“Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God’s being present in the mess of our unfixedness.”

Mike Yaconelli

6 “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Philippians 1:6

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“Whack-a-Mole,” [Surprises]!

whackamole

Lately I think that my mental illness is a lot like “whack-a-mole.” This is that ‘sophisticated’ game where you try to bash in the heads of little moles with a padded hammer. Score is kept by the number of the heads you crush.

These guys will pop-up out of any of 12 holes on the table and you must anticipate exactly which hole they make their appearance. They’re crafty and can jump up anywhere. And they come at you so fast. (I have been known to “foam-at-the-mouth” in a mad pursuit to destroy them. Moles beware)!

I was thinking today that my mental illness is a lot like this. I must stand and face a dozen different issues that seem to present themselves at any given moment. Things move at hypnotic pace that can spiral into a frenzy.

The issues I face are an awful lot like “whack-a-mole.” I seem to always respond but never initiate the battle. I dance but never lead. I must react but can never act.

Issues like:

  • handling money
  • driving a car
  • loving your spouse
  • being a good dad (or mom)
  • relationship with the church, community
  • being a good neighbor
  • paying my bills on time, taxes
  • finding a real friend
  • doing “ministry” things

This is “whack-a-mole” at its best. As hard as I can I slam them with my hammer, but they keep returning! I belatedly discover that my enthusiasm was to no avail.

The issues always come up, but I simply don’t know how to deal with them. I discover I’m always on the defense, but seldom on the offense. These things are always a surprise. (But not really.)

What can I say? I tried to beat them down and yet they prevailed. These malicious “moles” with their own agendas. I tried my hardest, but to no avail. I always respond, but to no real victory. Honestly, there are times I don’t know what to do.

So I sit and wait, I tell no one of my dilemma. I look at the things that have gone well, and the things not so well. I guess I’m left with a deep insecurity. I simply believe no good has come from being absorbed with winning at “whack-a-mole.”

But I must get involved, it is a matter of life vs. death. Where can the mentally ill find any course of hope? And that I guess is the real “rub” it is Hope. Hope is the real factor in my own depression. Without it I spiral downward, and crash and burn.

Hope.

Only hope can bring me through this. And Jesus.

 

ybic, Bryan

 

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He is the Master of Disaster

Peter and John Running to the Tomb

Peter is the epitome of reckless failure.  And I must admit that I love him for it.  We see him taking the plunge (Matt. 14:30) and almost drowning.  We hear that he is “Satan” (Matt. 16:22-23).  And of course the ugliest moment of all, Peter denies Jesus not once, but three times!

In baseball, at three strikes, you are out.  Completely.  But Jesus doesn’t keep score.  He doesn’t sit in the “dugout” and glare at us when we fail him.  There is not any punitive action directed at us for being a “spiritual basket case.”  We fail, but it is not a sin unto death.  It is a disaster, but never in an ultimate sense.

When we look on Peter, we discover forgiveness in an ultimate sense.  So much of his foolishness gets redeemed.  He pushes the envelope, and stretches God’s mercy to the point where we think we can hear it groan.  And creak– and yet, it holds!  We must learn and understand, for he makes provision in his thinking, to handle all of our sin.  You might say he has low expectations for us; but high confidence in his power and grace.

His is a grace that holds us.  We might flip out and commit gross sin.  But it is quite obvious from our reading of Scripture, that we will only find stability in his patient work.  He certainly forgives the failure.  Faith’s finest had to understand this point.

Peter imploded.  His choices and words have been disastrous.  He has re-defined failure, and he stretches that definition to about as big as you can make it.  When we look square at him, we find that he is nothing more than a sniveling weakling.  But!  He hasn’t experienced Pentecost yet.  It is there, at that moment, he is transformed into a veritable dynamo.  He suddenly becomes very strong (think “meek” Clark Kent becoming Superman!)

We need a trajectory of the Spirit which puts us into the place of understanding. We need to sink our roots deep into God’s mercy.  We have to come to the place where we start connecting with hope.  The place where we are energized  by his mercy.  We shouldn’t cohabit with disaster.  We don’t belong to the arena of the “failed ones.”  We stumble to him and he rushes out to meet us.  What else could we say?

ybic, Bryan

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A Broken Brokenbeliever

inconsistent1I am a premium blend of paradox and inconsistencies. I make no claim at all to being anything but. I’m afraid my bipolar has marked me.

But I’m finding victory in Christ, For me discipleship is simply being close to Jesus. I come with baggage which I give to Him. He insist on taking all of it.

I’m discovering that my Christian walk is not some sort of comprehensive  self-improvement plan to overcome whatever particular sin which is bothering me at the moment. Rather it is choosing to be filled with the Spirit of Holiness.

That is a big deal. I’m not out to achieve but to “abide.” The fundamental difference is profound. The ministry of the Holy Spirit activated in my heart creates the energy to please God. His work is impeccable and true, and it’s the only way it’s going to work.

In my mind may be confusion (I lose my way so quickly) but His presence is both gentle and strong. I can “turn off” His kind guidance. However if I do I “crash and burn” every time.

Jesus is not shocked by my wilfulness. He doesn’t fret over my sin. He deals with me without doubt and discouragement. He doesn’t ever regret taking me on as a believer. My disruptive walk doesn’t tarnish His love for me. I know this.

I may be far behind you in this discipleship. So far I’ve led a muddled life. When I act independently I get confused. I have a “checkered” track record that bars me from making any claim toward success. I am a broken brokenbeliever,

“It’s not about perfection; it’s about our intimacy with God, or our connection, our relationship with God. Once we get through that, once we realize that we can be imperfect, flawed, broken; those kinds of things are the ingredients of spirituality.”

–Mike Yaconelli

The Lord has broken me a thousand times, and I anticipate there will be thousands more. He is faithful to keep His promise to present me one day holy and true. I am trusting Him.

“Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault. 25 All glory to him who alone is God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his before all time, and in the present, and beyond all time! Amen.”

Jude 24-25, NLT

ybic, Bryan

 

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