Category: faith

Keeping God on Track

God’s Quality Management Questionnaire

Help Us Regulate the Almighty– Keeping Him Accountable is Our Purpose

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol’ me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No

If not, please describe here the problems you initially encountered. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Michael Vick, Tiger Woods)
___ When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Ted Haggard
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Pro Football
___mushrooms                                                                                                                                ___sex, drugs and rock/roll

___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer. (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God’s handling of the following: (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water                                                                                                                     1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God’s Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

-Writer unknown

Disclaimer– This is supposed to be funny/satire. If this post offends you in any way, forgive me. God (the real one) is at work in my heart. If you enjoyed this post, praise the Lord, I am happy!

cropped-851.jpg

A Declared Trust

image

I once scorned ev’ry fearful thought of death.
When it was but the end of pulse and breath,
But now my eyes have seen that past the pain
There is a world that’s waiting to be claimed.
Earthmaker, Holy, let me now, depart,
For living’s such a temporary art.
And dying is but getting dressed for God.

Our graves are merely doorways cut in sod.

— Calvin Miller

Velcrocity, My New Amazing Word

velcro-magnified
Velcro magnified

I like inventing new words, especially for words that have far too much mileage on them. A car runs great, but even the best autos start to have issues after the odometer goes over 200,000 miles.

So I’m purposing a new word even though I’m not quite ready to completely toss the old one yet. The new word is “Velcrocity”. I will define velcrocity as a mix of love, faithfulness and endurance. (Possible forms of this word– Walk in velcrocity, be velcroized more and more. Wasn’t that velcroful worship? And on and on.)

Just in case you’re wondering, Velcro is a fastener mostly used for clothing. It consists of two strips, one is covered in tiny loops and the other in tiny flexible hooks. The two strips ‘adhere’ when they are pressed together and separate when pulled apart.

“Velcro is strong enough that a two inch square piece is enough to support a 175-pound (79 kg) person. The strength of the bond depends on how well the hooks are embedded in the loops, how much surface area is in contact with the hooks, and the nature of the force pulling it apart.” –Wiki

Why velcrocity? Thinking about the Father God’s love for me (and others) made me start thinking about Velcro– and being “laid up” with my health sucking so poorly has helped me pray and think. And being way too curious I did a frontal assault on the internet of the sticky subject of Velcro.

The best info came from Wikipedia, of course. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Velcro

The more contact between the strips of Velcro will strengthen the bond. The tighter the hook part pushes into mesh part more effort required to pull them apart.  The negatives of this wonder are they have to stay clean. Lint, dirt of hair get between and can keep the strips from bonding.

As I write this, the imagery parallels what I’ve already learned from my Bible, prayer, fellowship and worship. Spiritual lessons quite often will come from what I see physically. But I need to be teachable and a whole lot more perceptive.

Focus on Jesus, and stick to the things of God. There is an adhesion needed in the Church today, and it truly starts with your heart. The covenant heart of God is that you would more and more cling to Him. He is truly tenacious, in the best use of the word.

“I will never leave you, or forsake you.”

“The Love of God endures forever.”

&

Kyrie eleison.

ybic, Bryan

(How about Velcrophobic? Velcroful? Velcrology? Velcrophobic? —and then maybe not,)

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The Prize is Waiting Just For You

 2008 Ryder Cup Previews - Day 3

 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:14

 Paul’s wish was a heavenly one.  He understood that this world had absolutely nothing to give him.  Simply put,  his faith was the bulldozer type.  He pressed forward, and he would not compromise or vacillate.  He would have all that Jesus promised.

“If you are a Christian, you are not a citizen of this world trying to get to heaven; you are a citizen of heaven making your way through this world.”

 Vance Havner

Paul ‘presses’ and his goal is very close.  He is God’s ‘pit bull,’ and once he latches on, everything changes.  He wants the prize.  We can only look and wonder.  What Paul has faced should empower us, and give us a sense of what is real.  Life is just a little bit away.  If we turn we will never see it.

There is a life that is far beyond what we think is possible.  Our only real option is to press into what has been pledged.  We must cling to all these ‘possible promises.’  But we must let Him decide what is true.  He has promised us life, and we cannot turn from this.  He is not some ‘shyster or a liar.’  We must push forward and then proclaim Him as ‘Lord of the Guarantee.’

He alone is worthy of such concentrated focus.  We must admit that there is no one who can compare.  Jesus Christ has an intensity and a radical commitment to what is really real and really true.  We must turn to Him and beseech Him to become Lord and King.  No one can compare.

Paul has a deep conviction.  We must follow him, and duplicate his focus.  We must concentrate on his aspirations, and follow him into what is true.  Real Brokenbelievers have very few directions to go.  Paul’s focus and direction should direct and motivate us into a very different direction than what this world system offers us.

“Press on”, or reach for a fresh understanding of Grace and goodness.  Simply put, you really have few options.  Captivity is very degrading and we lose our way very quickly.  We really are much more than this.

Please consider all the good that has been given to you.  The presence of Jesus is not to be trifled with.  He gives all that He is, to bring you to Himself.  But we must commit, and turn His heart to us.  His love is amazing, and all those who turn to Him are brought into safety.

&

kyrie eleison, Bryan

*

 

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