Circus performers have my enthusiastic admiration– especially the tightrope walkers! They move with such grace and courage. Their work above the crowds must be perfect, or else. I don’t even want to consider their failure. (I hope they can bounce).
To be a mentally ill or disabled Christian is just as formidable. We must walk out our condition 24/7, 365 days a year. It is relentless. We struggle with a weakness that pits us against symptoms and gravity of a spiritual kind. We get little support from others– sometimes criticism. It often is a very solitary feeling. We are often overlooked or scorned.
My particular rope is depression. Everyday I mount up and walk out on to it, holding my breath. I still fall a lot, but have a good safety net, and the Holy Spirit is my strength. Losing my balance happens. I pick myself up and climb up the ladder for another go at it.
“In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. 10 And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us. 11 And you are helping us by praying for us.”
2 Corinthians 1:9-11, NLT
We must rely on God. It is His “job” to keep us, repeatedly. So day by day I “walk the line.” My meds are my balance pole, and I don’t need any special attention. I do whatever the day brings, and even that is from His hand.
I need to briefly share what delusions are like. I’m going to flip the switch and flood the room with light, and watch the “critters” scuttle to find a hiding place.
I’m doing this to help heal myself, and for you to understand this awful state of mind.
First of all, let’s define things.
Delusionn. A false belief held despite strong evidence against it; self-deception. Delusions are common in some forms of psychosis.
Delusion de·lu·sionn. A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness.
Typically, my delusions have a common core of pride or self-centered thinking. For instance, I have experienced all of these to a degree:
A woman loves me and she is secretly trying to be with me. This is very flattering and egocentric. This one can really mess with your thought-life. (Ego.)
I’m the center of the universe, people really do not exist, except when they come into my life or influence. [This one is a bit metaphysical.] See #7.
I have special powers that ‘know” a person’s motives, plans and heart. I am hyper-discerning. The opposite can be true at times, where I become exposed to people, which necessitates me never leaving my room. I feel “naked” and of course, very uncomfortable.
I get paranoid, thinking people are plotting with each other behind my back, working to destroy me. Chat rooms, and Facebook are focal points for me with this one, but not always. With this one I get really verbal, and I start zapping people. I guess because it’s the internet I can do this with impunity.
Clocks are always at the top of the hour, like- 7:00 am. Or they are at the bottom of the hour, like 11:30 pm. I call this “chronosynchronism.” I believe this is evidence that my life is orchestrated, purposeful, and this is evidence I am very significant. This is my latest. And it really isn’t super disruptive.
I can read secret messages in books meant for me. I also line up spaces in what I’m reading to form an unbroken line. I compulsively do this.
The big one is this, I am in my form of “The Truman Show”. The universe is just a set and I am the only living thing out there. Everything is focused on me (of course).
I hear voices sometimes, but mostly a radio or sometimes the “dot-dash-dot” of a telegraph. I think its trying to warn me in some code. It can be persistent. And it can be disruptive. Paranoid because my giftedness is the primary reason for the NSA to control me.
My wife intends to poison me.
Personal hygiene issues. Afraid of being murdered in the shower creates a super-phobia. I once went 6 weeks without showering. (I made my own eyes ‘water’, lol).
I guess all of these have one thing in common.
They are self-centered. They are unreasonable and illogical. They are compulsive. And yes, meds do work. And the above list? The delusions are only mild-to-moderate issues of delusional paranoia. There are so many Christians and non-Christians who have worse. I once met a man who seriously believed he was Jesus. (And no, I didn’t worship him).
As a believer working out his discipleship, I’ve discovered that humility and openness is always the way of keeping one tethered to reality. However, I have a fear that I will break loose and never come out again. I MUST live in “brokenness”. (So in a strange way, following Jesus Christ is easier.)
Also, I must be open to things that will invalidate my delusion. Even if I’m 99% convinced, that 1% will cause me to consider thinking through a scenario. Truth is your best friend when you are challenging a delusional paranoid. But it has to be gently applied. Life doesn’t have be lived this way. Also, delusions will often ‘morph’ and change and take on modified characteristics. This seems to be part of the mental illness, but can also indicate demonic oppression (or both even).
A psychiatrist should be informed in most cases. Very often meds will be necessary to get you through this time, but not always. But sometimes.
Praying for delusional behavior
People have prayed for me, more then I have prayed for myself. Your intercession bridges a gap over this illness. When you pray, you power up the energy cells and get instructions. It may mean wait, or proceed. Every person and situation is different.
“Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and remains far behind yours. Were it not otherwise he would never been able to find these words.”
Rainer Maria Rilke
Prayer is always the best approach.
So many delusions and so little time. They will vary from person-to-person. An active prayer may help, “Lord, may it be the real me who touches the real You.” Remember, Jesus stands at the right hand of his Father praying for you [which can’t be all bad].
“Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.”
Tardive Dyskinesia (TD) is a condition of involuntary, repetitive movements of the jaw, tongue or other body movements. It frequently is a side effect of the long-term use of antipsychotic drugs used to treat schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. It is almost always permanent. I’ve been told Vitamin E might help a bit. Benzodiazepines have also been used with mixed results on a short-term basis.
Some examples of these types of involuntary movements include:
Grimacing
Tongue movements
Lip smacking
Lip puckering
Pursing of the lips
Excessive eye blinking
(Wikipedia)
I recently was diagnosed as having TD after the use of Zyprexa. My version is my lower jaw moves from side-to-side, unless I concentrate on not doing it. I quickly revert to this involuntary movement when I’m not aware of it. I recently saw a video of myself (with my family) and sure enough there I was, doing the ‘jaw thing.’ It was very obvious. It was also very embarrassing. (I have the ‘lithium jitters’— where my hands always shake, but TD is different.)
There are a couple of things I might mention:
1) I’ve discovered that there is a real social isolation with this TD stuff. To be doing this in public is “not acceptable.” I have had people come up to me wanting to know what’s my problem. Since I can’t control the movement I just say, “It’s my meds— they affect me this way.” In a way it’s like wearing a neon sign saying, “I’m a fruit cake.” Having a mental illness is stigma enough, but the TD just puts a new edge on it.
2) As a natural introvert the isolation has only deepened. (I avoid crowds and most social engagements.) I guess if the truth be told, I’m uncomfortable when others look at me strangely or whisper to each other. My standard ‘paranoia level’ has taken a new twist. I feel I’m compelled to explain. I guess I’m embarrassed when others are embarrassed.
3) I settle myself down in my faith to cope. I know I’m not alone in this– the Lord Jesus is always with me. He holds me tight through all these twists and turns. Since I isolate myself so much, I savor the connection I have with a few friends who have become inured to my condition. Social media helps out— Facebook is a big help, as well as my two blogs.
4) One of the things I try to remember are the issues of selfishness and pride. I keep reminding myself it’s not about me all the time. One of the significant areas mentally ill people deal with is self-absorbed thinking. It seems it comes with the illness.
5) I try to keep a sense of humor everyday. It breaks down the mental pain to tolerable levels. We can take ourselves too seriously sometimes. Be more patient with yourself. I know I have to.
I ask that you remember me in prayer from time-to-time. I’m in ‘uncharted waters’ (it seems) and I sometimes feel all alone with my mental illness and all its tangents. I want good to come out of this. (An instantaneous healing would be o.k. But, I’m not too finicky.) Sorry for so much.
If you can’t pray, don’t feel at all impinged upon.
Inspector Clouseau, (Upon discovering stolen artifacts) in The Pink Panther 2
“Ah yes, the Shroud of Turin! We will have to dry clean it before we return it.”
______________________
I honestly think that our bumbling attempts to follow Jesus are entertaining angels who watch our efforts and shake their heads in astonishment. “Did you see what Bryan just did?”
I’m the “Inspector Clouseau” of the spiritual realm. 😁
Maybe you can relate?
Clumsy and very much oblivious, I bungle my way down the path of discipleship, without a clue. It seems when something right happens, I still end up butchering it. The Holy Spirit has His hands full. Scripture tells me He has no regrets.
We have experienced so much, and been given so much light.
And yet we consistently choose to trade it for a lie. For the most part, I don’t sin automatically, I sometimes choose it deliberately. People don’t sin because they feel they have to. We sin because we like the pleasure it brings. We sin because it feels nice. It’s often a mask to cover the pain.
It’s a patch for the pain of my twisted up life.
We sin because it brings a thrill to our bodies, and excitement to the boredom of our everyday lives. We sin because we believe the lie that the pleasure it brings, though passing (Heb. 11:25).
Sin happens when I look at anything or anyone other than God.
The issues I have are both spiritual and medical. I survived a brain tumor and I need to walk with a cane. I have constant vertigo. My right arm is paralyzed. I struggle hard sometimes. I have some struggles with social anxiety. But God gives me buckets of His grace. I know first-hand his agape love for me.
But He will not bless my disobedience and rebellion.
When we announce to the world that “Jesus is Lord” we can expect God will hold our feet to the fire over this. The Holy Spirit will not negotiate when we suddenly decide we are hungry for sin. Apprehended by grace, we must fully surrender all claims we have to sample sin’s delights.
Who do we find joy in? It really does matter.
In the middle of my battles to be a believer, I must remember joy. I cannot imagine being without it. I’ve been clinically depressed pushed to the point of suicide. But God gives me joy in my darkness.
“The joy of the Lord is your strength.”
Nehemiah 8:10
“For the Lord takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation.”
Broken Believers 