Category: mental illness

I Want Home

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‘Ah, Lord GOD! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.”                                                                                  

Jeremiah 32:17, ESV

“One should go to sleep as homesick passengers do, saying, “Perhaps in the morning we shall see the shore.” 

Henry Ward Beecher

I have never been there, except in a stuttering way on my knees in the Lord’s presence.  From there it is like climbing a mountain, and breaking through at the summit.  It is an astonishing awareness of home.  It is where I belong.  He wants me there.

But most of the time, I’m slogging through the peanut-butter of everyday reality.  It’s ‘scootch-slide-scootch’ most of the time.  But I recall my last trip up, so I hold on to that fragrant memory, and it is a tremendous relief to think about his presence.

I want home.  I can’t wait.  I hope he’s not disappointed in me, or disturbed by the fact that I have made such little progress.  The depression and despondency will slough off its skin like a snake.  I will know true freedom.  This is a sure thing.

I want home.  The presence of Jesus is waiting.  All of the knots will be worked out.  The dark burdens that nip at my heels will disappear.  This change is going to be powerful, and most certainly dramatic, and I want home.

For those of us who believe, we will arrive at a place of profound blessing.  We will squint back at our life on earth, and wonder what it was all about.  A hundred thousand years from now it will seem like a difficult dream which we really can’t remember upon waking.

We will be moving toward him.  There will be a magnetism that will exert its pull on our wandering hearts.  He will draw us to himself.  Guilt and shame, which has deeply infected us will be eradicated.  Sometimes, when people train to run they will wear “training weights,” creating more of a burden that has to be overcome.  In that way heaven can be understood, for we have spent well over 50 years training for that place.

We come into all of this like a man who has been lost in the desert. Without water, we stumble into what looks like a watery oasis, and we find a refreshing relief.  We have been “saved” from a certain death.  When we consider what has happened, and how the superheated desert almost destroyed us, we will marvel, and that quite often.  Each one there will have a story of failure and faith, and we will listen and than tell our story as well.

What has to be stated, and restated, is the astonishing presence of Jesus in that place.  Not only in our thinking, but in a real concrete way.  Heaven is not an an abstract or ethereal thing.  It is solid and strong.  We don’t imagine heaven, instead we are pounded by it.  It is more real than real, with a solidity that we will find most refreshing.

“God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

James 1:12

“I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take away your crown.”

Revelation 3:11

Hold on guys, keep your crown.  Don’t let anyone snatch it from you.  Advance into his presence, and let him do his stuff on you.  He loves you, far more than you love him.  He is pursuing you more than you are pursuing him.  Somehow that is quite comforting.  I want home!

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Anxiety Understood: Checklists

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Anxiety often feels like this

Personally, I have wrestled with anxiety over the years. The residual effect on my personality has been profound. The ‘panic attacks’ are coming about once a week, and they can be a formidable enemy. So far, I have not required meds for them, but I usually just crawl into bed, dim the lights and pray. They seems to pass in about 20 minutes. However the other symptoms kind of linger– a sort of ‘background noise’ to the soundtrack of my everyday life. Low levels of anxiety can be brought under control by the work of the Holy Spirit.

I hold God by His promises of peace. I have not been instantly healed yet, but I’m learning to cling to Jesus through it. I have to believe that anxiety keeps me close to Him, I suppose that is a good thing.

Common anxiety symptoms include:

Body (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the body in general):

  • Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)
    Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles
  • Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)
  • Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin
  • Body jolts, body zaps, electric jolt feeling in body, intense body tremor or “body shake”
  • Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature
  • Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin
  • Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders
  • Chest pain, chest tightness
  • Choking
  • Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
  • Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body
  • Cold chills, feeling cold
  • Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and sweets
  • Difficulty speaking, moving mouth, talking, co-ordination problems with the mouth or tongue
  • Dizziness, feeling lightheaded
  • Dizzy, feeling dizzy
  • Electric shock feeling, body zaps
  • Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax
  • Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren’t
  • Feel like you are going to pass out or faint
  • Feeling cold or chilled
  • Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
  • Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
  • Flushed face, red face, flushed skin
  • “Head Zaps”
  • Heart palpitations, racing heart
  • Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy
  • Increased or decreased sex drive
  • Infection – increased infections, persistent infection
  • Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
  • Muscles that vibrate, jitter, tremor, or shake when used
  • Muscle twitching
  • Nausea
  • Nausea, vomiting
  • Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
  • Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
  • No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
  • Numbness
  • Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
  • Numbness and tingling, and other skin sensations on hands, feet, face, head, or any other places on the body
  • Persistent muscle tension, stiffness
  • Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
  • Pulsing or throbbing muscles. Pulsing or throbbing sensation.
  • Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
  • Sexual Dysfunction, sexual uninterest
  • Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head or face
  • Shooting pains in the face
  • Shooting pains in the scalp or head
  • Skipped heart beats
  • Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck
  • Startle easily
  • Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating
  • The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason
  • Tightness in the ribs or rib cage area, may also feel like a tight band around the ribs or rib cage area.
  • Tingling sensations, anywhere on the body, including the hands, feet, legs, arms, head, mouth, chest, groin area
  • Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
  • TMJ
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Twitching
  • Unsteadiness, dizziness, feeling dizzy or lightheaded
  • Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom (similar to urinary tract or prostate infection symptoms)
  • Warm spells
  • Weak – feel weak, weakness, low energy, light, soft, like you may faint
  • Weak legs, arms, or muscles
  • Weight loss, weight gain

Chest (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the chest area):

  • Chest pain or discomfort
  • Concern about the heart
  • Feel like you have to force yourself to breath
  • Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
  • Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath
  • Heart Palpitations – beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat
  • Heart – Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ‘skipped’ beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough
  • Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
  • Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
  • Emotions (see mood) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with emotions, mood, and feelings)

Fears (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with fear):

  • A heightened fear of what people think of you
  • Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits
  • Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
  • Fear of being in public
  • Fear of dying
  • Fear of losing control
  • Fear of impending doom
  • Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
  • Fear of passing out
  • Fear that you are losing your mind
  • Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
  • Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
  • Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
  • Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
  • Need to seat near exits

Head (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the head):

  • Burning, itchy, tight scalp
  • Dizziness
  • Dizzy
  • Dizziness or light-headedness
  • Frequent headaches, migraine headaches
  • Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness
  • Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
  • Head zaps, head tremors
  • Giddiness
  • Numbness
  • Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
  • Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
  • Shooting pains in the face
  • Shooting pains in the scalp or head
  • When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards
  • Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache
  • TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) – clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth

Hearing/Ear(s) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with hearing):

  • Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can’t get out
  • Low rumbling sounds
  • Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears
  • Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head
  • Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)

Mind (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mind and thinking):

  • Afraid of everything
  • Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
  • Deja Vu, a feeling like you’ve done or experienced something before
  • Depersonalization
  • Derealization
  • Desensitization
  • Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
  • Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
  • Disorientation
  • Fear of going crazy
  • Fear of losing control
  • Fear of impending doom
  • Feelings of unreality
  • Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
  • Having difficulty concentrating
  • Nightmares, bad dreams
  • Obsession about sensations or getting better
  • Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
  • Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
  • Short-term memory impairment, can’t remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
  • Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
  • “Stuck” thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that “stick” in your mind and replay over and over again.
  • Trapped in your mind feeling
  • Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
  • You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders

Mood / Emotions (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with mood, emotions, and feelings):

  • Always feeling angry and lack of patienceups-downs-anxiety_3011
  • Depersonalization
  • Depression
  • Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)
  • Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb
  • Emotional “flipping” (dramatic mood swings)
  • Emotions feel wrong
  • Everything is scary, frightening
  • Feeling down in the dumps
  • Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
  • Frequently being on edge or ‘grouchy’
  • Feel like crying for no apparent reason
  • Have no feelings about things you used to
  • Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
  • Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
  • You feel like you are under pressure all the time

Mouth/Stomach (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mouth and stomach):

  • A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste
  • Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)
  • Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these together or at different times
  • Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these, or all of these together or at different times
  • Choking
  • Constant craving for sugar or sweets
  • Constipation
  • Diarrhea
  • Difficulty swallowing
  • Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn’t moving right, slurred speech
  • Dry mouth
  • Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat
  • Feeling like your tongue is swollen
  • Lack of appetite or taste
  • Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat
  • Mouth muscles twitching/jumping
  • Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
  • Nausea
  • Nausea vomiting
  • Nausea or abdominal stress
  • Numbness
  • Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
  • Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
  • Teeth grinding
  • The thought of eating makes you nauseous
  • Tight throat, lump in throat
  • Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
  • TMJ
  • Tongue symptoms – Tingly, “stretched,” numb, frozen, itchy, “crawly,” burning, twitching, “jumpy,” aching, sore, or swollen tongue (when it isn’t).
  • Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
  • Vomiting

Skin (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the skin):

  • Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
  • Numbness
  • Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
  • Skin problems, infections, rashes

Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):

  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams
  • Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake
  • Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night
  • Jolting awake
  • Waking up in a panic attack
  • You feel worse in the mornings

Sight (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sight):

  • Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision
  • Dry, watery or itchy eyes
  • Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes
  • Eyes sensitive to light
  • Spots in the vision
  • Flashing lights when eyes are closed
  • Your depth perception feels wrong

Touch (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with touch):

  • Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
  • Feeling cold or chilled
  • Numbness
  • Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
  • Pain
  • Tingling, pins and needles feelings

Other anxiety symptoms are described as:

Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.

In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:

• Having a heart attack • Having a serious undetected illness • Dying prematurely • Going insane or losing your mind • Suddenly snapping • Losing it • Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love • Losing control of your thoughts and actions • Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself • Losing control • Fainting in public • Not breathing properly • Losing control of reality • Choking or suffocating • Being alone

These are some of the more common anxiety symptoms. This list isn’t exhaustive. :-)

This information can also be found at: http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml

Good Teaching by CBN on Overcoming Anxiety http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/teachingsheets/keys-Overcoming_Anxiety_Worry_and_Tension.aspx

Jesus says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28, ESV

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I Come, Clinging

 

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I will come and cling

 “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.”

Romans 3:23, NLT

I know myself pretty well.  I fully understand how dark I can be.  I’m nasty and mean, selfish and destructive.  I am the “King of Filth and Deceit.”  (That is my official title, look it up.)  King Midas turned everything he touched into gold.  It seems that everything I touch turns black and putrid. I have come to understand Martin Luther’s own assessment, “Sin boldly, but believe in God more boldly still.” He wasn’t encouraging sin; nor was he giving out ‘a license to sin.’ He was simply acknowledging our nature. He was also speaking of God’s wonderful gift of grace, and the faith needed to obtain it.

But I have heard that there is a place where I can be made white and bright; fully and truly cleansed of an immensity of evil.  He can heal me, and I do not have to continue to produce such wickedness.  I do not have to hurt His dear ones anymore. When I accept Him, His blood releases me. He makes it possible for me to have a new life.

So I come to Him, and cling.  I will not let go, I grab Jesus and hang on.

I won’t slide back into this painful darkness.  I will latch on to Him with everything I have. I cry out for ‘the spiritual velcro’ of Grace. I do this over, and over– until it works. Just give my sin-addled soul Jesus. I’ve had enough religion, now I want Him.

I’m learning that I must learn to forgive myself.  He has already forgiven me.  A weaver works diligently on a rug that he is making.  He uses even the dark thread as he does his work.  In the same way, those deep transgressions must become a part of the Spirit’s work from my life.  He takes it up, without flinching, and weaves it into His work. What He does is miraculous.

God’s specialty is turning rascals into sons and daughters.

I see sadness and confusion, and He sees glory.  I see nothing but evil, and He chooses to turn it into a special grace.  And so, I cling to Him and wait for the Lord to meet me.  He is not overwhelmed by my stains, and He promises a complete deliverance from my great darkness.  So I cling, as a drowning man latches on to a life preserver.

Oh, dear one.  Someone has been looking for you.  Jesus has been searching, trying to save you.  You can go your own way, but I predict nothing but a difficult sorrow, if that is your real choice.  But, there is a way of escape, and it is full of joy and peace.  And it is real.

I know, (first-hand,) that it difficult, but that is just the first stage.  There is a raucous joy that is waiting for you.  You will find such a purpose and completeness that will make your head spin.  He will launch on you into a love and a kindness that you will hardly be able to contain.

“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
    for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
4 God blesses those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.”

Matthew 5:3-4

 

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Healing the Wound of Rejection — by Jonathan Coe

 

When a child is born into the world, often the first face they see is a doctor or nurse followed by their mother and father. Then in their early years and all the years before they leave home, they will see their parents’ faces probably more than anyone else. Single–parent homes will add a different dynamic to this experience.

Over the years their parents’ faces will communicate different emotions to them. In an emotionally healthy family, lots of love, acceptance, sense of belonging, respect, and appreciation will be communicated. In an unhealthy family, just the opposite, or a confusing mixture of false and true messages, will be communicated and will leave the child with the wound of rejection.

The wound of rejection has to be one of the most difficult wounds to heal. It occurs not only in parent–child relationships, but also in husband–wife, sibling, peer, employer–employee, and  priest/pastor–flock relationships. It cuts deep because it communicates to the person not that they are doing something wrong, but that there is something wrong with them.

The face they see in their mind’s eye tells them that they are defective, second-rate, not good enough, and unlovable. For many this face, and its false messages will plague them the rest of their lives.

It would be foolish for me to try to pretend to solve a complex problem like this in one blog post. However, it is not foolish for someone like me, who has also felt the sting of rejection, to try to provide a helpful beginning.

For starters, one thing that helped me was to realize that the person(s) who rejected me didn’t reject me because I was inherently unlovable; they rejected me because they didn’t have the wherewithal, inner resources, or ability to love me like I needed to be loved. It wasn’t about me; it was about them. Embracing this truth, for many people, can be the beginning of healing.

Another thing that helped me was contemplative prayer. Now when many people hear the words “contemplative prayer,” they feel intimidated and think that such a thing must be reserved only for mystics, monks, and very holy people. That’s not true. Contemplative prayer is for everybody.

When St. John Vianney entered his church and found an old farmer praying, he asked him what he was doing and the peasant told him, “I look at him and he looks at me.” That’s contemplative prayer. St. Teresa of Avila said that “Contemplative prayer, in my opinion, is nothing else than a close sharing between friends.”

We see the face of Jesus and he sees us and there is an intimate exchange. Contemplative prayer is helpful for the person who is wounded by rejection because they replace the face of the person(s) who has/have wounded them and  their false messages with the face of Christ and his true messages about you. So the main question for us as we read this is “Whose face are we looking at?” 

I hope that it’s the face that I see in Zephaniah 3:16 and 17. Please remember that what is said in this passage to Israel under the old covenant is even more true to us today under a better covenant and one greater than Moses (Jesus):

“On that day they will say to Jerusalem, ‘Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.'”

God is singing. Why? Because he is rejoicing and delighting over us with an overflowing, super–abundant love. This is the face of Christ that should replace the other faces that we constantly see that have given us the wound of rejection.

Additional to this, it’s also important to have friends and family that become the face of Christ to us or what a psychologist friend of mine called “Jesus with skin on.” With all these things in place we can truly shout from the rooftops, “Let the healing begin!”

ybic, Jonathan

 

If you like this post from Jonathan Coe, you may also like his new book, Letters from Fawn Creek, that now can be purchased at this link:

https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781628542035

Letters from Fawn Creek

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cover art/photo: http://www.adventistonline.com