battle wounds – Page 26 – Broken Believers

Man on Fire

One morning in January 1984 I set myself on fire. I was in my cabin up on the ridge and I was trying to build a fire. Alaska can be a cold place. I had also started a coffee pot and because it was so cold I opened up the oven door a couple of inches to get some heat.

The oven started getting the place warm, and I gratefully backed up my butt to it. That is when it happened. My sweater ignited from the front burner. At first I didn’t realize that I was on fire, but when the flames started spreading over my head I panicked.

I couldn’t put it out! I dropped to the floor and tried to roll. All that seemed to do is embed that burning sweater into my back, and set the carpet on fire. I ran to the bathroom with the idea of getting under the shower. Somehow I knew that was my only hope.

Needless to say I ended up in the local hospital with second and third degree burns on most of my back. It took months to recover and I still have the scars. It was something that changed my life.

Ironically, I had been thinking of a verse in Hebrews just the night before. I wondered what it meant.

“He makes his angels spirits, and his servants flames of fire.”

Hebrews 1:7

As I healed I prayed for understanding. Why did the Lord allow this to me? I was in my third year at a Bible college and had given my life over for the Gospel. Why did this happen to me?

I’ve never gotten a complete answer from the Lord, but it did confirm my call into the ministry. It also made me aware of the precariousness of our lives. It taught me to appreciate life.

The doctor told me that if I had run outside instead of staying inside I could have died. God preserved me for His own purposes. We have no way of knowing “our time.”

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

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Dangerous Thinking

Anne Lamott is a writer and a person who understands mental illness and ‘recovery’ issues.

She is also a ‘brokenbeliever’. I have read several of her books; she writes elegantly on faith and discipleship. She is a rare jewel. She writes carefully and creatively.

Coming across this quote was fortuitous for me, to say the least. This quotation effectively captures a somewhat dangerous mind that prevails among mentally ill people. We should come to the realization that our thinking needs to be ‘supervised.’ I must concur.

I can be patently ‘unsafe’. My thinking will often get distorted. I can get pretty strange at times. The ‘nice people’ who know me first-hand call me ‘eccentric.’ The ‘mean people’ outright ostracize me. Delusions blow through me periodically, with the occasional flare up episode of paranoia. The doctors call this Bipolar disorder.

Like Anne Lamott, I am a Christian believer. But my mind twists things up so much, I must regard it as an enemy. It can be capable of good; but dark things grow there as well. I have given up hope of ever navigating it alone safely. I simply cannot trust it. Mine can be capricious, untrustworthy, and unreliable. I know what it is like to be afraid of your own mind.

“Who is this coming up from the wilderness
leaning on her beloved?”

Song of Solomon 8:5, NIV

However, if I venture into this steaming fetid jungle, with the Holy Spirit firmly in charge, we can navigate through safely. (But I dare not venture in alone, as things can get ‘scary.’) The Spirit is completely trustworthy and He is always faithful. No matter what I discover, I really try to let Him tell me if the ‘coast is clear.’ Together, we have seen some crazy crap, but He never ever ‘freaks out’ and leaves me alone.

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.”

John 16:13

Dear afflicted one, don’t venture in alone. Look only to Him. He is ready (up on tip-toes!) to be your guide. You don’t have to muscle through the ‘jungle’ all by yourself. Remember that there are others who can help: a spouse, a pastor, or anyone who understands what you’re up against. Only you can know what your mind is doing, but others can help you.

When you find yourself lost in your wilderness, “lean on your beloved.”

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P.S. Anne Lamott has some very readable books out there. Check her out.

April Fool’s Day: An Accident Report

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board.

Dear Sirs,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 165 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.

Outside the Boundaries

As I spin through this world; I pick up many things. Some are wholesome, but many are not. I’m like a ball of soft wax, and I pick-up whatever is in my path. Some things are good, and others not so. I would love to enlighten you, but am disturbed by all the ‘garbage’ I pick-up. Not everything is good.

In my mind I remember far too much to be ‘good.’ Images of sin are part of the ball, and I can’t dislodge them on my own. Their very presence is wrong, and quite embarrassing. I’m ashamed of what you may find, and yet I know I should be transparent, at least to what I’m capable of. I suppose I am sorry, at least that is I want to be.

Darkness has a way of latching on. At least that is how it seems. It seems what has been seen, can never be unseen. These things are irrevocable and can’t be forgotten. We remember them in the ‘night hours.’ However, the grace of God is such that these dark things are remembered no more. Their evil can never cripple a mind set on the sweet things of God.

I have been damaged by the things I have seen and did. I can admit that they’re shameful and wrong. (Perhaps ‘perverted’ is a better word.) These things are dark and twisted, and far beyond the pale of what is acceptable. I learn to be foul, but deep down I wish to be good.

The Gospel comes to those outside of the boundaries, or it doesn’t come at all. It handles the heavy sin, and easily takes on the lesser. Sin seems to have a way of rubbing through what is true, and certain efforts must be applied. We are meant to soar. We were never meant to be its sin’s slaves.

^“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,”

Colossians 1:13, NIV

We ought to trust in what He can do. Sin can never bind us again. He has done something that defies the darkness, once and for all. We who once were slaves, now walk the streets as free men and women. And we dare not rely on our own reasoning on this matter.

What the Father has done exceeds our rational ability. We are completely released and then exonerated us from our sin; it no longer manhandles us the way it used to. We are now prisoners set free. It is easy to become skeptical at this point; the reality of our iniquity is immense. But He has declared us free.

^“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

John 8:36

We hear many things from our pulpits today. But it is imperative that we receive the word, ‘freedom.’ Freedom—

from our many sins,
from our flesh that delights in them,
from death that comes from our sins,
from the destroying influence of this world’s system,
to enjoy eternal life.

“You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” (Romans 6:18). We must be convinced that this is so, and be willing to leave the sin behind us. And this is right where believers break down; the leaving behind their favorite sin. But it must be renounced and denounced for any progress can be made. You have to say “No!” before you can say “Yes!”

God is fantastically patient with us. He waits patiently as we decide. Are we going to get sick of our sin, or not? He waits for us to decide. Will we continue in sin, or will we let it pass by?