“That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
Calvin & Hobbes, comic strip
One of the blessings of turning 55 is I come to a place where I can sit and think about my life. I’m intrigued by how it unfolded the way that it did. I know I can be a bit of an eccentric. But that’s ok. When the warm ocean current of depression and the cold water current of weird personality meet it will get very tumultuous. And being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder brings even more issues. But I do admit– I have lived life hard. (Perhaps harder then it had to be.)
I do have a ‘dark side.’ One of the most disturbing areas I had was an almost insatiable thirst for ‘euphoria.’ Both drugs and alcohol, I discovered would put me in the place of exhilaration and elation. And I longed for anything that would put me in this mental state. If you had come to me with two hits of ‘acid,’ I would definitely take them both, and not even blink. That has changed since I accepted Christ. The impulses are tamed by God’s Spirit and Word. (Thank God!)
My quest for euphoria has taken me down some strange paths. I learned to buy those drugs that would work that special bliss into my being. But I couldn’t maintain euphoria. I chased after that idea, without ever achieving it. LSD, PCP, marijuana, whiskey, cocaine, and even ‘needles’— all those old standbys have brought me to a false sense of inner freedom. I tried to stay ‘stoned’ as long as I could. I drank enough vodka to float a battleship. I was a maniac. Completely out-of-control.
“You will be bruised all over, without even remembering how it all happened. And you will lie awake asking, “When will morning come, so I can drink some more?”
Proverbs 23:35, CEV
The man who penned this must have knew the back side of getting hammered. There is a lot of pain in this lifestyle, and not just hangovers and depression. Yet we can’t wait until we can start it all over again. This love for the high is the precursor to addiction. Crossing this line is a moment of strange logic for the user, but in reality, it is a form of mental illness and insanity.
My addictions (which imprinted an ‘addictive personality’) are seldom reasonable. As I pursue the euphoria (I love to get “high!”) my own ravenous appetite begins to feed off my own personality. When a dam breaks, it starts at a tiny leak. This can take several years. But the pressure will slowly continue and then it begins to escalate. Soon the water pushes through until the dam breaks. Floods ensue as the lake flows through. Disaster is just that close.
“You say to each other, “Let’s drink till we’re drunk! Tomorrow we’ll do it again. We’ll really enjoy ourselves.”
Isa. 56:12, CEV
When we pursue, and then try to purchase our euphoria, we will inevitably end up as drunks and as addicts. When fixed on the pursuit of carnal pleasure, we end up destroying ourselves, and the lives of those closest to us. When I start hurting others by my actions, I must consider I may have a big problem. Maturity is in part, understanding our desperateness, and then moving beyond it. But the reality is that we are scarred, and that we continue to escape by “the skin of our teeth” until we die or get sober. Only Christ can save the euphoria-chaser.
Sometimes I’m a piece of work, it’s alright though because I’m His piece of work.
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I am a premium blend of paradox and inconsistencies. I make no claim at all to being anything but. I’m afraid my bipolar has marked me.
Broken Believers 