Category: impulsive

The Bipolar Believer

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“Unstable as water, you shall not have preeminence.”

Genesis 49:4

“And for those who live in the land where death casts its shadow, a light has shined”

Matthew 4:16

I’ve been down this road before. I’m not surprised by anything.

I guess this is my big issue with Bipolar Disorder (BP);  its unpredictability, and the way you fluctuate.  You get up in the morning and you immediately have to start analyzing your mood. 

“Am I more depressed than I was yesterday, or I am speeding up?” Am I acting appropriately, or am I stepping out of line again?”

For  B.P. people, we can never be totally sure about anything. 

We are always in a state of flux or movement.  As BPs who are believers in Jesus, it seems like we have broken every rule in the book, twice. This disorder almost always demands certain hypocrisy– which instills a lot of guilt and shame.

Almost 40 years ago, a visiting pastor to our church came up to me and told me that he had a word from God, especially for me. This was long before I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I can’t remember much, but I do recall him saying, “You are as unstable as water”. 

But I can also see now that my instability has made me a deeper, more tolerant person. 

I now give a lot of latitude to others’ shortcomings.  I know how difficult it is to process life and face issues.  Because I do this “yo-yo” thing, I can accept inconsistency as a normal part of life.  I realize that I’m not perfect, nor is anyone else I know. I’m learning to make allowances for it. 

Sometimes, just being aware is half the battle. And I’m starting to understand how God’s grace is given to others.

I’m learning to be gracious. I’m learning how to love, I think. Maybe this weakness is becoming a strength for me. I hope so.

“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9, NASB

 

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Can You Say No?

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11 “For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.”

Titus 2:11-12

My life runs better when I learn to say “no.”

I can’t make it any simpler. We have become part of a culture that almost always says yes. To deny ourselves the fulfillment of our particular desires seems impossible– considering our track record. We pretty much seek out our particular pleasure, and then take our lumps and absorb all the consequences.

Things then, digress and “solidify” from this point. Deeply ingrained habits become almost impossible to break. We are now being held in a very certain bondage. And all because we can’t say “no”.

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Perhaps this will become a learning point, when we start to say “no” to our desires. We can’t let temptation have its way, we must stand and say “no!” It is no sin to be tempted, Jesus was tempted, and yet did not sin against His Father.

When we consistently say no and to deny ourselves, we’re actually starting to obey and it’s then we begin to follow Him. Your discipleship depends on this.

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

Mark 8:34

The deep and earnest passion of our Father is that we learn to do this. To joyfully discover each morning  we are “will-doers.” But in order to do this we must also be “no-sayers.”

There is an unholy trinity that is working against us: the world, our flesh, and Satan. When our enemy tempts us, we must object. We must take a stand against his schemes.

Will you just say “no” to the enemy? Can you say “no?” These are questions that only you can answer.

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Self-Destruction

“For whoever finds me finds life
and receives favor from the Lord.
But those who miss me injure themselves.
All who hate me love death.”  

Proverbs 8:35-36

“There are seeds of self-destruction in all of us that will bear only unhappiness if allowed to grow.”  Dorothea Brande 

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“If one looks with a cold eye at the mess man has made of history, it is difficult to avoid the conclusion that he has been afflicted by some built-in mental disorder which drives him towards self-destruction.”   Arthur Koestler 

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 Among people with a mental illness, there is a sort of impulsivity, and in advanced cases we can see a ‘self-destructive behavior‘.  We do things, superficially we recognize and even assert that it is detrimental, but we will continue to do it regardless.  Those ‘in the know around us’ can’t believe what we are doing. It is totally irrational.

Bipolar, schizophrenia, and many other mental illnesses have impulsivity as a common aspect of their disease processes.

  • We drink,
  • do drugs,
  • do pornography, strippers
  • steal from our friends,
  • cut ourselves,
  • misuse our credit cards (and go deeply in debt)
  • get crazy at rock concerts,
  • and much more.

We are impulsive and we do things that a healthy person would never do.  We consistently choose the worst things and we can’t seem to stop ourselves.

We are the ‘wild children,’ we just seem to thrive on the edge of destruction, repeatedly.  This is in spite of the consequences.  We just don’t worry about the side-effects of our choices.  We don’t think ahead, all we think is of the moment.  We consistently choose what is really bad for us, and then throw ourselves headlong into the darkness.  The more we do these terrible things, the wilder it seems to get.

We can’t seem to stop. 

I can say this because I had a personal issue with ‘self-destruction’.  You might say I have a ‘Masters degree’ in it.  I have gotten very proficient at it, and have utilized deception to cover my tracks.  So much of my life is hidden and I seem to float my darkness out in such a way as to diffuse questions and to excuse awful nasty behavior.

Being impulsive/self-destructive is a hard life in many ways. 

We cultivate an image to others that we have really never attained.  We are very good at deception, we have discovered how to do and say what we want without others “getting in our faces.” Being impulsive, ready to step into the most pleasurable darkness, becomes something we must cover up, at all costs.

“Can a man scoop a flame into his lap
    and not have his clothes catch on fire?”

Proverbs 6:27

Am I secretly drinking, doing drugs or using sex (esp. in pornography)?  The impulses that drive us to do this stuff will become the way we experience destruction, but somehow we don’t seem to get it.  The mentally ill have a horrendous rate of alcoholism and addiction.  I’ve seen figures that put us at 80% that have significant issues.  We seem to be ‘self-medicating’ ourselves to escape, or trying to get some stability.

When we come to Jesus, we discover that He loves us completely, including our ‘hidden side’.  His love comes to us without any conditions.  We are free to do whatever we want.  However, we will find that ‘sin accepted’ is very brutal to us.  Smashing out heads against a brick wall, over and over, doesn’t make the wall any softer.  And yet we continue to do the most foolish thing we can do, and then we–  REPEAT.

There is a way out of this.  But few will really do it. 

It’s called ‘public confession.’ We get it out into the open, where the sun shines, and it will be seen exactly for what it is.  We choose not to live out our lives in secretiveness. We must learn the skills of transparency, as we lay out our evil, our deception for the church to see.

When we deceive others, we will end up deceiving ourselves.  We absolutely cannot continue a life in darkness, or in long-term sin. wPeop cover their faults and excuse themselves do not have a repeneir faults and excuse themselves do not have a repentant spirit.

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Scorched, but Deeply Loved

“But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”

Matt. 16:23

The principles of the Kingdom will often confuse an outsider.  In this chapter of Matthew, we hear Peter extolling the divinity of Jesus (vv. 15-17).  Peter exceeds the norm with his analysis of what he believes is real and true.

Peter’s insight is as perceptive as it is supernatural.  “You are the Christ,” Peter proclaims, “the Son of the Living God,”  Jesus responds to this and He praises Peter for his sensitivity.

But, just a short time after he makes his astonishing pronouncement, he is taken apart by Jesus, being solidly rebuked face-to-face.  In one clear and singular moment, he expresses a wonderful faith, and then suddenly his personal awareness precipitously crashes.  He is now an evil person with Satan’s agenda. (See verse 23.)

I’m not sure why Peter does what he does. 

It seems that in the light of this chapter (which actually seems like a bright glare), Peter is devastated.  In three years of discipleship, it seems that all he merits is a brutal ‘dressing-down.’ All because he thinks he can correct Jesus, “the Son of the Living God.”

The rebuke is bitter.  Peter is being compared to Satan!

I suspect that Peter was ashamed.  He most likely wished he had a rewind button.  His Savior, Jesus– has given him a new label.  And it hurts.  Many times, we would become resentful, maybe a bit bitter.  It could cause some to walk away, developing an anger that solidifies into a permanent offense. Thank God, Peter doesn’t do anything that stupid.

The correction in the rebuke gives him life and hope.

But who’s to say we would be as correctable?  Peter was rebuked in the presence of the other disciples.  The publicity was embarrassing.  Too many people were watching and listening. Peter will survive this, but he has to learn something valuable.

Our daily commitment to Jesus hinges on our willingness to be undone. 

Jesus pretty much rakes us over the coals.  He insists on total obedience to His faithfulness. And like Peter, we will learn. It may take some time though.

Every true disciple will be scorched– but incredibly loved.