Category: following Jesus

Traveling Mercies, [The Journey]

Things can get pretty grim just living life.  But add a disability, and suddenly blam! It gets worse.  A mental illness intensifies life, and the weird concoction of symptoms and hospitals, therapists and medications and family/friends is a bit daunting for anyone. Imagine, that it’s a bit like running through the wilderness slathered in ‘bacon grease,’ trying to stay ahead from the bears (I’m writing this from Alaska, hence the bear imagery, lol.)

My walk with Jesus has extreme variations (at least, on my part.)  I’m up, and then I’m down.  I’m on fire and then I’m cold.  I struggle to attempt at least a modicum of consistency, wishing I could just put two ‘good days’ together.  I am ashamed by this volatility.  The apostle Peter, or David are probably the only guys in scripture I can really understand.

The impulsivity of my mental illness has driven me to turn my credit cards over to Lynn.  I try to avoid liquor stores, porn sites, and urges to strip off my clothes and run down Pioneer Avenue.  I definitely try to go to Church, read the Bible and pray.  But I have been known to hallucinate, I hear things, and get awfully paranoid.  I’m always, it seems just one step ahead of my psychiatrist in avoiding the hospital.  (And I want to keep it that way.) And suicidality is an almost real monster– always lurking for me under my bed.

But I have also learned many other things from being a mentally ill believer:

  • When its really dark, His love always comes through. He understands me. He intentionally ‘looks’ for me. He’ll never quit on me.
  • My discipleship is not about the externals of my theology, but it’s about romance from my heart.
  • In my pathetic brokenness, He is my strength and my shield. Always.
  • Worship and prayer are more like invasive “medical procedures” that keep me alive.
  • Love. I’m learning to be kinder and more aware of others then ever before.
  • I want to live in the Light and respond to others in Christlike way. Never out of my fallen sinfulness.

I suppose I could add more, if I thought about it.  Ultimately, it all comes down to the presence of Jesus Christ coming to meet me, to forgive me and to change me.  This simple blog is saturated with posts that other Brokenbelievers can wade through, and some just might help, lol.

The title of this post alludes to a quote I found. I’ve gently modified it. Not sure where I found it. But it gives the explanation for all that I’ve said:

“Life should NOT be a journey to heaven with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
with bruises and band-aids, and some tears as well, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming… “WOO HOO what a ride!”

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A Doubting Faith

faith-and-doubt“”Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”

“He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.””

Matthew 17:19-20, NLT

The text is intriguing; it seems to direct us to consider the unbelief of the disciples. They had tried so hard to do what Jesus wanted; they get an “A” for effort, but they can’t heal this boy. They correctly discern a demons presence, but they are stymied after trying to exorcise it.

The disciples “crash and burn” is uppermost in their hearts. They have a private meeting with Jesus to determine what went wrong. Their expectations were running high; they expected success in this encounter with darkness. After all, weren’t they Jesus elite followers?

“Even after Jesus had performed so many signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him.” 

John 12:37, NIV

 Jesus is on his way to be crucified. It would be fair to say that his mind was occupied with this. He is still performing healings for the needy, and although awesome things are happening, the crowds remained doubting. They would remain uncertain about him, and many would go on to mock and revile him in just a few days.

Doubt is an insidious thing. It allows one to see, but not respond. It seems to be a cowardly attitude that masks itself as safety and security. There is a willingness not to make a response when that is precisely what is being called for. It is content to live uncommitted and remain unaffiliated. Truth is neutered and we want it to be so.

I certainly don’t mean to be overly harsh to those with doubts. But there are some who put their faith in their doubts and that is slightly disturbing. They see, but do not perceive. They hear, but do not really listen.

“So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.”

Romans 10:17

 Believers who doubt are in a strange place. But saving faith is always growing, in spite of one’s own skepticism. Questions are to be welcomed; honest inquiry is not a threat, but an issue of a seeking heart. Faith without evidence is no better than superstition. I think believers who never ever doubt are “a freak of nature.” Our faith may struggle, and hard questions be asked, but my faith still holds even when I doubt.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

We are to grow in our faith. The Bible describes it as “life.” To be a believer in Jesus is a journey of confidence and hope (these words have been carefully chosen). When we find ourselves without these two working in our hearts we become unbelieving believers.

Maybe we should doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith.

“Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.”   

—Oswald Chambers

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God Will Sustain You

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“Some Christians are called to endure a disproportionate amount of suffering. Such Christians are a spectacle of grace to the church, like flaming bushes unconsumed, and cause us to ask, like Moses: ‘Why is this bush not burned up?’

The strength and stability of these believers can be explained only by the miracle of God’s sustaining grace. The God who sustains Christians in unceasing pain is the same God — with the same grace — who sustains me in my smaller sufferings. We marvel at God’s persevering grace and grow in our confidence in Him as He governs our lives.”

— John Newton, 1725-1807, Author of “Amazing Grace”

“The angel of the Lord appeared to him in a blazing fire from the midst of a bush; and he looked, and behold, the bush was burning with fire, yet the bush was not consumed.”

Exodus 3:2, NASB

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The Art of Offending Jesus

SIN_KILLS_SIGN Our actions can bless God, and others immensely. We really have no idea that we have such power in our grasp. But we do say and do things that do alter the realities of those who are trying desperately to draw close to Him. We like to be unattached from these very real things. We suppose that it is a “no-brainer,” we will always avoid any complications or entanglements, about our behavior.

However, reality is much more “unforgiving” then we imagine. How we conduct ourselves is certain, and is significant. Honestly, when we become believers and are added to His church, can we honestly behave worse than we were before our salvation from sin?

I’m afraid salvation from sin means “turning off the faucet.” We can’t avoid this, it will determine what kind of a Christian we are. What do we do? Do we continue to sin? “Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?”

Romans 6:1-2, NLT

I’m truly convinced of this. Our decision to keep enjoying sin is disturbing. Our “death” in this case, has never happened. We have died to nothing, and remain untouched by the Gospel. We become just inoculated enough to make us believe that we are “ok.” Our lives keep moving, and we will never consider that we have made these wrong adjustments.11831809_417345445125926_2957479398676821867_n

Are we not “offending Jesus Christ” by not dying to our own sins? If we have pretty much remained the same kind of people, then it is very likely we have. Our enjoyment of sin indicates our real allegiance that we will have when “push comes to shove.” It really seems that we must shake off the old way before we can put on the new.

I simply suggest that you liaten to the Spirit as you make your choices.

Let him accompany you and show you what offends. I only speak boldly, because it matters more than you realize.

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