Category: following Jesus

Keeping God on Track

God’s Quality Management Questionnaire

Help Us Regulate the Almighty– Keeping Him Accountable is Our Purpose

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol’ me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No

If not, please describe here the problems you initially encountered. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Michael Vick, Tiger Woods)
___ When beseeched, doesn’t stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Ted Haggard
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Pro Football
___mushrooms                                                                                                                                ___sex, drugs and rock/roll

___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer. (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God’s handling of the following: (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship

Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 present relationship
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water                                                                                                                     1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

1 2 3 4 5 God’s Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

-Writer unknown

Disclaimer– This is supposed to be funny/satire. If this post offends you in any way, forgive me. God (the real one) is at work in my heart. If you enjoyed this post, praise the Lord, I am happy!

cropped-851.jpg

A Declared Trust

image

I once scorned ev’ry fearful thought of death.
When it was but the end of pulse and breath,
But now my eyes have seen that past the pain
There is a world that’s waiting to be claimed.
Earthmaker, Holy, let me now, depart,
For living’s such a temporary art.
And dying is but getting dressed for God.

Our graves are merely doorways cut in sod.

— Calvin Miller

Velcrocity, My New Amazing Word

velcro-magnified
Velcro magnified

I like inventing new words, especially for words that have far too much mileage on them. A car runs great, but even the best autos start to have issues after the odometer goes over 200,000 miles.

So I’m purposing a new word even though I’m not quite ready to completely toss the old one yet. The new word is “Velcrocity”. I will define velcrocity as a mix of love, faithfulness and endurance. (Possible forms of this word– Walk in velcrocity, be velcroized more and more. Wasn’t that velcroful worship? And on and on.)

Just in case you’re wondering, Velcro is a fastener mostly used for clothing. It consists of two strips, one is covered in tiny loops and the other in tiny flexible hooks. The two strips ‘adhere’ when they are pressed together and separate when pulled apart.

“Velcro is strong enough that a two inch square piece is enough to support a 175-pound (79 kg) person. The strength of the bond depends on how well the hooks are embedded in the loops, how much surface area is in contact with the hooks, and the nature of the force pulling it apart.” –Wiki

Why velcrocity? Thinking about the Father God’s love for me (and others) made me start thinking about Velcro– and being “laid up” with my health sucking so poorly has helped me pray and think. And being way too curious I did a frontal assault on the internet of the sticky subject of Velcro.

The best info came from Wikipedia, of course. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Velcro

The more contact between the strips of Velcro will strengthen the bond. The tighter the hook part pushes into mesh part more effort required to pull them apart.  The negatives of this wonder are they have to stay clean. Lint, dirt of hair get between and can keep the strips from bonding.

As I write this, the imagery parallels what I’ve already learned from my Bible, prayer, fellowship and worship. Spiritual lessons quite often will come from what I see physically. But I need to be teachable and a whole lot more perceptive.

Focus on Jesus, and stick to the things of God. There is an adhesion needed in the Church today, and it truly starts with your heart. The covenant heart of God is that you would more and more cling to Him. He is truly tenacious, in the best use of the word.

“I will never leave you, or forsake you.”

“The Love of God endures forever.”

&

Kyrie eleison.

ybic, Bryan

(How about Velcrophobic? Velcroful? Velcrology? Velcrophobic? —and then maybe not,)

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Real Faith and 3D Glasses

Seeing what others cannot

“When He saw their faith.”

Luke 5:20

The healing of the paralyzed man is loaded with lessons for us.  He lies motionless on his pallet, unable to move.  His incredible and loyal friends have dedicated themselves to getting him into Jesus’ presence.  But the house is full; its beyond standing room only, they can’t get close.  They are desperate.  Jesus is so near, they can hear Him teach, and yet so far away.

One of them has a wild idea.  They will lower him down into the room from the roof!  Energized by this thought they put the plan into action.  I can just see them, working feverishly.  When the hole is big enough, they carefully lower the paralyzed man down slowly.  We read that, “Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the man, “Young man, your sins are forgiven.” (Luke 5:20).

Example of 3D without glasses

God can see faith.  It is invisible to us, and takes a special work of grace for us to do so.  It is not an easy thing to see faith.  If you go downtown to watch a movie in 3-D the attendant will issue you special glasses.  With them everything is enhanced.

The Lord sees faith, and responds in kind.  His powers of perception and discernment are advanced far beyond our puny human efforts.  But God is pleased when we show our faith by our works. They fascinate Him and He delights when His children prove a living faith by actions.  Our faith can only be seen by what we do.

The faith of the paralyzed man, and the faith of his friends makes them  fluorescent in a black & white world.  It jumps out to Jesus, and it is hard to see anything else.  Faith stands out, and it cannot be hid.

There is so much here in Luke 5, so many lessons and so much wisdom.  Much of it lies at the surface, and can be picked up like gold nuggets.  I think that I could preach six months on this chapter alone.  It is that good.

ybic,  Bryan