Category: wisdom

This Intense Moment

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“He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
    and to walk humbly with your God?”

Micah 6:8, ESV

“The principal thing is to stand before God, with the mind in the heart, and go on standing before Him unceasingly day and night until the end of life.”

Theophan, 1815-1900 (Russian writer and monk)

This intense moment is almost always present tense. We have yet to experience the future, and the past has already been ‘played out.’ The present is this moment right now, and we live in this time.

There is a certain simplicity to all of this. What happens ‘right now’ is crucial in our walks with Him. Anxiety and guilt can be a result of not living right now. These are obviously to be avoided. The past with its guilt, and the future with its anxiety can corrupt the now.

Micah was given a simple commandment to proclaim, it involved this ‘arena of goodness.’

  1. To do justice, right things
  2. to be in love with kindness,
  3. and then to walk in a humble way.

All of these are to be done in the presence of God. We’re called to this simple way of life. For the person who is living somewhat confused and chaotic this is good news. Those of us who are mentally ill understand chaos. Life becomes complicated when we try to juggle more than this.

This should be a certain relief for many a weary pilgrim. These things Micah declares can be liberating when seen in this moment. There is a freedom for each who follow. If it seems like we’re trying to juggle chain-saws we are doing something wrong.

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Sinful Inside

“More than anything else, a person’s mind is evil
and cannot be healed.
Who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9, NCV

“Thou, Lord Jesus, art my righteousness, but I am thy sin. Thou hast taken upon thyself what is mine and hast given to me what is thine. Thou has taken upon thyself what thou wast not and hast given to me what I was not.’ Beware of aspiring to such purity that you will not wish to be looked upon as a sinner, or to be one. For Christ dwells only in sinners.”

Martin Luther

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The Bible in its tremendous insight, never ever makes humans to be wonderful creatures. I think we would all volunteer to be that way. We are not. Rather the opposite is quite true. We are manipulators, rascals, liars and sinners. There is not a single iota of evidence that we can become exceptionally kind, loving and holy people in any sense of the word.

Somehow we generate a lot of self-deceit. We trick our own hearts into believing that we are such noble believers. We ignore evidence that would convict us otherwise. The prophet spoke to his generation in Jeremiah 17. He would speak directly to people who thought they were true and good. Jeremiah called this a lie, a serious miscalculation (especially when the opposite was true.)

“The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9, NIV

This is not the way “to win friends and influence people.” So many pastors, priests, elders, and leaders have a desire deep down to be acceptable and relevant. But God says, we are rascals, tricksters, phonies. Something inside is sick. There can be no human remedy. We simply cannot become religious enough to surmount our profound sin (against God and against others).

I must tell you the truth, you’re terminally ill. You are quite sick, in the most essential part of you. As a boy living in Northern Wisconsin, on a farm somewhat. We found one of our dogs killing our chickens. He was a nice dog, quite friendly and very gentle. But when he started in on the chickens my dad decided to intervene. One of the dead chickens was recovered. My father wired that dead chicken to our dogs neck, nice and tight. The dog wore that rotting chicken for several weeks. Finally the dog laid down, foaming and tongue lolling, eyes rolled back– so sick. So Dad cut off the decaying remains.

It’s one of my more vivid memories. The dog would never again chase a chicken, or even think of killing one. But even so, our sin is disgusting to God. We just seem to do evil without considering Him or others we effect. It’s all about us, as we think we can just skate through this “problem” without any issues. But Jeremiah tells us we are rotting inside.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted. “

Matthew 5:3-4, NIV

I suppose this is what it will take. To see ourselves as destitute beggars when it comes to spiritual matters. We very much want to work past this state. We will very often feel that that is Christian discipleship– conquering our deep sin and awful weaknesses. But really, folks, what the Lord really wants is for us to admit our poverty, and be saddened by our sinfulness. We hurt so many.

“Our life is full of brokenness – broken relationships, broken promises, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God’s faithful presence in our lives.”

–Henri Nouwen

We are a broken lot of confused people, and we have never solved the mystery of our own iniquity. In those rare, fleeting times we step into clarity, we are ashamed and disturbed by what we see. Our awful sin needs a wonderful Savior. Jesus does what we could never do. He has died to destroy our sin.

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Related articles

Whim-Whams

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“In our family “whim-wham” is code, a defanged reference to any number of moods and psychological disorders, be they depressive, manic, or schizoaffective. Back in the 1970s and ’80s – when they were all straight depression – we called them “dark nights of the soul.” St. John of the Cross’s phrase ennobled our sickness, spiritualized it. We cut God out of it after the manic breaks started in 1986, the year my dad, brother, and I were all committed. Call it manic depression or by its new, polite name, bipolar disorder. Whichever you wish. We stick to our folklore and call it the whim-whams.”

— David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

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Speaking in code is often our way of communicating to those who are curious. We seldom tell anyone we have bipolar disorder outright. Some of us tried, and failed; we fall back to “I’m just a little blue today,” or the classic, “I’m just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” We really can be somewhat disingenuous.

All too often these are half-truths that deflect the sticky issues of a mental breakdown. We seek to salvage some kind of dignity, or evade the inevitable stigma that would certainly come if we told the truth. We choose to evade, but at a cost.

I struggle with the stigma of both bipolar disorder and epilepsy. I’m still uncomfortable when others seem uncomfortable with me. So, I have developed a general rule:

Bryan’s Rule #14, “Never reveal your illness, except to qualified people.”

I suppose this adds a layer of personal security. The occasions I have violated this rule have resulted in awkward pauses and odd looks. Afterwards, the relationship changed. It was as if I suddenly sprouted a second head, or something.

As Christian believers, I know we are supposed to walk in the truth. But exactly how truthful am I supposed to be? I’ve always had an iconoclastic streak, and I love stretching the social boundaries of others. Bipolar disorder has been an illness made-to-order for people like me.

Bryan’s Rule #15, “Openness can be a true step toward my healing.”

But it take truth to change. We really need to be honest by bringing things into the light. Obscuring the truth keeps us isolated and distant from others. Will speaking forthrightly about my bipolar disorder be a challenge? Of course. But necessary if I want to heal and cope.

I’m not advocating making a big sign and parading down Main Street. Just to be a bit more honest with others, and ultimately with ourselves. Let’s be comfortable with our own personal “whim-whams.”

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How Does It Effect You?

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There are four areas that chronic depression will effect you.

  1. Emotions
  2. Thoughts
  3. Physical
  4. Behavior

We need to really visualize the areas in order to understand. This grasp of the facts will not change a thing, but will only give you a sense of what depression is doing to you, or your loved ones.

Some will emphasize one or another. But all four areas play a part in this disease. We may think we can twist around these, but we’ll find we are still trapped by the evil ogre of depression. (And he takes all the prisoners he can.)

We are hostages to this sickness. Depression truly destroys lives and hopes. It comes uninvited, and springs its trap on us. It can immobilize us in an instant.

David knew what it was like to be a hostage of depression. In Psalm 32:3-4 he wrote:

“For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
    through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
    my strength was dried up[b] as by the heat of summer.”

Many readers will relate. It carries with it an authenticity of a man that is a dear struggler. His experience, and his willingness to write openly provides us with comfort and understanding.

Paul knew all about depression. He wrote in 2 Corinthians 7:6:

 “But God, who comforts the depressed, comforted us by the coming of Titus;”

Ancient writers called it “the Noonday Demon.” Winston Churchill called his depression, “the black dog.” Both definitions seem spot on.

Christians will ask me whether depression is caused by an evil spirit, or is it biological? I usually answer both. There is strong evidence that it is a mental illness; an illness like any other (e.g. diabetes, or migraines). It can be treated, to a degree, with meds. But there is a spiritual dimension as well requiring “spiritual warfare” on an serious level.

My own meds have helped me greatly. But strong prayer and worship have assisted me just as much. Reading the Psalms are really helpful. I have made the personal discovery that the presence of God is a great way to walk free.

When you’re truly desperate, you will find a way. Of that I’m convinced. I leave with Philippians 1:6:

” And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

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