Category: brokenness

I’m Always Disappointing Myself

We read of the “Romans 7” man.

  • For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.
  • For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 
  • For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 

Romans 7:18-19, ESV

When we struggle like this we can safely assume that we’re trying to be holy and accepted by God apart from the grace of God. Our efforts to please Him fall woefully short. This frustration is when we try to keep the Law and neglect to walk in the Spirit.

To be disappointed in your behavior is not grace. To continue living like this becomes deception and hypocrisy. Most of all it creates a vicious wall between your walk and God’s love. A barrier between you and others.

The tension of Romans 7 is real. Every believer will encounters it.

The Scriptures teach us the depravity of man. All we do, even our best efforts and noblest actions are selfish and corrupt. As we understand this we end up realizing that there is a vast gulf between our aspirations and our actions.

“We are all infected and impure with sin.
    When we display our righteous deeds,
    they are nothing but filthy rags.”

Isaiah 64:6

We have a problem when our heart doesn’t match our actions. I’ve worked through the obvious. And yet it gets a little hairy when our ‘little’ sins are visible to others. We feel like hypocrites and we know that our testimony is officially ‘toast.’

“Many have passed the rocks of gross sins – who have suffered shipwreck upon the sands of self-righteousness.”

    William Secker

Romans 7 describes what is wrong with us, it seems we are attempting to please God by our own efforts.

In Romans 7 we read of a man who is constantly disappointed in himself. It can be wrenching to read– partly because it is so real. It describes us too well. At times the Word is like looking into a mirror.

“How can you be so inconsistent? I feel like there are two ‘Bryans,’ I don’t understand how you can live like this.”

This is what a dear friend said to me recently. I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know how to answer. It was a bit embarrassing, but I couldn’t respond. Later, the Spirit ministered to me while praying about it.

The Lord spoke in my heart, “You’re much worse than he realizes. Don’t you dare defend yourself!”

I now realize I should have said this to my friend. “You’re absolutely right, I am a bit of a flake. But you only see the veneer, deep down  I’m much worse than you will ever know. I can’t defend my actions, and I desperately need a Savior. Would you pray for me to work this out? I need Jesus”

The daily struggle with sin and personal failure is sometimes more visible than we would like. Even as a believer I can and do sin. That should surprise no one, and yet, it seems I’m the most amazed when sin inevitably breaks out. At times I feel like I specialize in inconsistency.

I wonder when we boldly ‘strut’ into His presence if the angels don’t ‘roll their eyes?’

Whenever we come before God, we should never show up with our list of great things we have recently done for Him. It won’t be accepted. They are at best, filthy rags. They’re not fit for a King’s court. But yet we keep coming, parading our dirty, grimy rags.

We keep forgetting that only Christ’s righteousness is accepted in God’s eyes.

“The greatest enemy to human souls is the self-righteous spirit which makes men look to themselves for salvation.”

Charles Spurgeon


1brobry-sig4

I Could Not Stop Bleeding

“A woman suffering from bleeding for twelve years, who had spent all she had on doctors and yet could not be healed by any, approached from behind and touched the end of his robe. Instantly her bleeding stopped.

Who touched me?” Jesus asked.

When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the crowds are hemming you in and pressing against you.”

Luke 8:43-45

I had to touch Him. I had to reach out and somehow get His attention. It was no longer an option. I bled all the time and it wouldn’t stop. It was constant, and it had been 12 miserable years. There was no one else who could stop this, no doctor, no medicine. I was so desperate. It had to stop, it was killing me.

I had spent so much money on so many doctors.

I had nothing left. Each doctor promised a cure and my hopes were always dashed. A few days ago I heard about Jesus, I heard about His power to raise the dead and heal every disease. I don’t really know why, but I somehow knew He could heal me.

Perhaps this was really it, I thought. There was a big problem though, I was ritually unclean and all that I touched was unclean. The temple was off-limits and I had been cut off from sacrifice and forgiveness. In my darker moments, I remember thinking that perhaps God really had forsaken me?

After all, it had been 12 long years.

What I had to do must be done secretly. I knew I just had to touch this man. I would have to wriggle my way through the crowd to get close enough. This wasn’t right and if I couldn’t get close enough I somehow knew I’d be taken to task for my foolishness.

But oh I was so sick and weak. I was unclean.

Just a touch was all I needed. I knew the He had the power. I just knew it. So I listened and tried to understand His busy itinerary. I must figure out how to get to Him, you see, everything depended on that connection.

It somehow worked. I just managed to grab just the tassel of His ceremonial Pharisee-approve head covering (ironic isn’t it).

And immediately the flow stopped. Just like that! I felt it and knew what happened.

“Christ is the Good Physician. There is no disease He cannot heal; no sin He cannot remove; no trouble He cannot help.”

    James H. Aughey

   

Bryan Lowe

Meet My Friend, Pain

I’ve gone through many awful things—stuff that should have destroyed me. Things so bitter and hard it’s a wonder that I’ve even survived. I’m not overstating and not melodramatic. I know that I’m still standing because of grace and mercy that God has given. 

The other day I stepped into a gym where a Church potluck was happening. Now I’ve been in constant pain for several months and it’s been terribly hard. Standing and waiting on the line to get shorter, I distinctly heard something that seemed to come out of the blue. 

“Pain is now your friend.” 

That thought definitely did NOT originate from me. Initially, it was absurd. Bizarre. I stood in that crowd, rocked by that idea, “pain is now your friend.” I can’t explain it, nor can I diminish it. Obviously, the idea was not conjured up or produced by my conjecture or reasoning. It is exactly what it is. 

A day later I came across this thought. 

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the rock of ages.” 

C.H. Spurgeon 

Can I kiss that wave? Can I discount all the difficulties that pain has caused in my life? Now I admit I had been praying quite earnestly for God to take me. That may be a shock to some, I know. But I’ve had enough of this misery. Enough! Bring me home. I’m so tired of this. 

What crushed me did not crush God’s purposes for me. 

Much could be said about this, but what could not destroy me needs to make me aware. I have been given a “hard” gift. I have endured much hurt. And even now, as I typed out this post, I still am in pain. Why? 

There is a definite purpose why. That pain is my friend, my companion. For how long, I do not know. But I do know that I will kiss that wave, for it presses me to my Savior. I cannot explain it, because it’s foolish and counterintuitive. I’m not trying to ignore its presence, nor am I trying to paint “a happy face” on it. 

“During this time now, we have troubles and pain. But I am sure that these troubles are not really very great. One day God will show us all the great things he has prepared for us. That will make the troubles that we have now seem very small.” 

Romans 8:18, RB 

Yes, dear one, pain is one of my best friends. Nothing else could have reached me, I needed some hard “medicine” because I could not understand this any other way. 

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 

2 Corinthians 1:4, ESV 

I think I now know why.

Some will not understand, that’s ok. I’m glad they don’t.

“Suffering is unbearable if you aren’t certain that God is for you and with you.”

Tim Keller

The Awful Pain of Job

job-and-his-friends

“Oh, why give light to those in misery,
    and life to those who are bitter?
21 They long for death, and it won’t come.
    They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure.22 They’re filled with joy when they finally die, and rejoice when they find the grave.
23 Why is life given to those with no future,
    those God has surrounded with difficulties?”

Job 3:20-23, NLT

Job begins to curse his very existence. Life has become far too brutal. He has lost everything. At this point Job is completely undone.

There is an endless grief that even his tears can’t help.

In Job’s first speech he asks some basic questions:

  • Why is light given to those who are full of pain?
  • Why does life unfold to the one who rather not live anymore?

There is a powerful wish or desire in this three verses. He wants to die, and end the charade. He wishes for non-existence and laments that he can not die fast enough. His terrible pain has taken his life.

People with disabilities and chronic pain can understand Job’s welcome craving for any sort of release. Once they were “whole” people. Death was something to be avoided at all costs. But now it is seen as an escape.

Job simply wants out.

Hurting people will often turn to drinking and drugging as a way of coping. We’ll try anything to numb our thinking. It’s what gets us through the day. We are bitter, and we are lost.

For Job (the patron saint of pain) finds that nothing will fix him. His friends have come, but they seem to only accuse and confuse job. Honestly he is better when they just sat with him in silence. If you read the book of Job you will understand.

“God wants us to choose to love him freely, even when that choice involves pain, because we are committed to him, not to our own good feelings and rewards. He wants us to cleave to him, as Job did, even when we have every reason to deny him hotly.”

–Philip Yancey

“Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don’t turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.”

Psalm 143:7-8

 

ybic, Bryan