Category: confusion

Tightrope Theology

As a person with a mental illness, it seems my issues are a matter of extremes.  Life seems uncontrollable; the wheels seem to always ready to come off of the wagon.  It strikes me as a semi-crazed place to be.  I look at the “norms” with envy, as their lives are crisp, healthy, and strong.

I once met a man that had a prophetic ministry who was speaking at a local church here in Alaska.  When I met with him, he looked at me intently.  He said many things, but the most significant was this. “You are an unstable man; you are like water.”  This was almost 30 years ago.  It has been an accurate prophecy and assessment since I heard it.  At first it stung, I hated it; but now, all these years later, I find a certain comfort in it.  God knows me; He understands.  I haven’t found any reason to be condemned for being Bipolar.

Those of us who walk the tightrope of sanity and insanity have One in heaven who not only knows us, but is on our side.  Hebrews 7:25 declares:

“Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.”

I must realize that I am not the “bad apple in the barrel,” nor am I cursed.  Rather the opposite is true.  I am the richest of all men, because of His radical grace that gets extended to the weakest. Those who “touch” my life are blessed by their contact with me, and since I have been so unnaturally “graced,” they become blessed by His presence through me. WOW! I simply need to be me, and they are drawn to you.

The issues that a mentally ill person (and those who are often a struggler and a rascal) faces are formidable.  But without His promises they are impossible.  The secular view is just to create a “zero sum” game.  It is to bring a person to some stupefied place of stasis.  Not exactly up–but not down either.  Stable, sort of.

It is very good to be stable.  But my goal can not be stability, but an obedience to a supernatural God who loves me supernaturally.  I simply can’t live without knowing that.  However, when I know it, I can handle the tightrope.  I will start to walk a “supernatural” walk.

You could say that God has a hobby, or a specialty.  It is weak and handicapped people.

He loves working with us and in us.  And I have become very much convinced that He pours out special favor on those of us who struggle so difficulty, those of us who will never fit in or be ‘normal.’

We need to come to that real and authentically holy place where we see God. But also in that place, and at the same time, we need to see ourselves as well.  And actually, both are most critical.  They are done imperfectly— but both must happen, nevertheless.

I exhort you to take on your tightrope.  You will only stay upright and cross it if you are aware of His grand love and presence.  It is an amazing thing to balance and walk, and if we fall?  Well, we drop into His net.  Get back up, and get in line again.  Secure your heart into the love of God for your soul.

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When is Suicide the Solution?

The Contemplative Suicidal

There are times, difficult times when we are maneuvered into a place where we start to think that suicide is an answer.  There is a certain mechanism to it, almost an art, which has a limited “air-time.”.  But I have several suicide attempts to my credit.  Once in a psych ward (and being watched 24/7) I cut my wrists on the broken shards of the clock over my bed.  (Looking back, it was pretty innovative the way I did it.)

I’ve intentionally overdosed a couple of times.  My last effort was to duct tape heavy training weights to drown myself in Kachemak Bay, off a pier.  Numerous times I have slashed my wrists trying very hard to die.

I suppose that for these many attempts there was a distinct and desperate cry for help.  When I went into the cycle of wrist cutting, I did not have a full and an aware understanding of what I was trying to do.  But when I attempt to drown myself, I most definitely did.  Perhaps there is an understanding of the two different concepts of suicidal depression. (But I’ve chosen not to ‘research’ this out.)

Although there is room to be alarmed by the first kind.  There is reason to be mega-concerned with the second approach.  I guess there is kind of a morbid graduation from one phase to the next. (I may speak brazenly, but I know it is a dark thing we talk about.)

To commit suicide is perhaps the ultimate act of vengeance that we can do.

It is final and yet speaks to everyone we’ve ever met  It also is a hard statement to all we used to love.  Family, and friends;  I guess we often can’t inventory or enumerate those we touch.  So many people will be affected by my suicide. I can’t overstate this. There are literally thousands of people who will be rocked by what I have done. I will destroy many when I try to destroy myself.

The pain of the mind of the suicidal depressive is awful.  It saturates all that I think and everything I do.  The suicide person is in a difficult agony.  It’s like being soaked in gasoline and looking around for a match.  There is a fearfulness about it all.  If we were not so enamored by ‘self-murder’ it would shake us to our core.

So very many are on the edge.  It really wouldn’t take much to nudge us over. There must be an understanding that there is a spiritual element to all of this. The enemy of our souls would delight in our destruction.  He salivates over our confusion and lostness.  He is a dark cheerleader in support of our self-destruction.

We must work things out, even with our darkest issues.  We really need to “regrip” and refocus.  Often a good nights sleep and a good meal will incrementally move us through this moment.  This may be trite, but resisting suicidal thinking will often turn on small things like this.

To be honest, patience seems to be the main factor to recovery.  It seldom is a dramatic leap forward.  It seems that certain nuances will push themselves against dark thinking.  As you are led by the Holy Spirit, you will discover exactly how to drive against this strong momentum of the Flesh.  Know this though– the Lord is actively at work on behalf of your loved one.  This should give you a honest peace and assurance.  You will survive, and you will bring Him glory.

For immediate help, call 911. For guidance, call 1-888-NEEDHIM.

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Barrels of Monkeys

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“My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all!”

Psalm 25:17

If you are over 40 or so, you would’ve known about this simple toy. Today, a little girl came up to me to show me her singular monkey. She insisted its origins were from the animated movie “Toy Story.” I told he she was suffering from delusions and began to instill the real story. She basically told me that I was the one who was thoroughly nuts, and she quickly became very skeptical of anything I would say next. (It’s hard to connect with this younger generation, lol.)

In my mind I achieved a moral victory, but it was short-lived. It wasn’t enough to do a “fist-pump” or a touchdown dance I craved to do. The way I figured things, old age has to count for some bonifide wisdom. My gray hair reminds me that I can speak with supreme authority about toy monkeys without recriminations.

Sometimes God gives us a barrel of squirmy, tricky monkeys. He watches what we do with them. This barrel could be a marriage, child rearing, a job, sickness, addictions, physical or mental illnesses. There are a lot of barrels out there. You could easily triple this list, and still need to add something.

The antics of monkeys, their tricks and misbehaviors are well known. Barrels of monkeys are embarrassing, they throw their own feces for God’s sake.  But they are still the elite masters of physical comedy in the animal kingdom. They are the Jay Lenos and Robin Williams of the zoo. You can’t subdue them, except with a tranquilizing gun, or some fermenting bananas.

Monkey barrels are tough. We usually are not steady enough, or patient enough to play the game. I submit it takes guts to play with the whole barrel, and taking short-cuts violate some kind of rule somewhere. Our faith should steady us. But the barrel only baffles us.

But the Spirit has come to assist us.

His presence helps us get by every barrel and every chimp, but we have to ask for help. I encourage you to get desperate. These monkeys can be tamed, and you need to do this. Time is never the issue. But how you behave is the true evaluation.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.”

Romans 5:3, NLT

 

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A Finder’s Fee of Joy

New Testament 3 Production Still Photography “Tax collectors and other notorious sinners often came to listen to Jesus teach. This made the Pharisees and teachers of religious law complain that he was associating with such sinful people—even eating with them!” (Luke 15:1)

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? ” (v. 4)

“Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one.” (v. 8)

“For this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.” (v. 24)

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The lost sheep, the lost coin, and the ‘lost son’ tell us that this is a time for recovery. This is a unique period for the Church. It is a season of special grace that allows us to seek and find things that are valuable to us. It is a time of finding out things about ourselves as well.

What is precious to you? With the woman, it was a lost coin (probably a part of her dowry) and she made a substantial effort to get it back. With the shepherd, what was valuable was a lost sheep, and he would take a calculated risk to find it, and rejoin the flock. And the father lost his son, and he had to wait for him to return to his senses.

These three parables were directed to the different issues that effected the “notorious sinners.” But they also spoke to the pharisees who were present. Both groups understood and there were plenty of implications for everyone.

It’s a funny thing, Jesus never minced words. No one could be neutral around him. That is still the case today. I think God is seeking His lost children. This is what He is up to, this is His passion. Understanding this salient fact should enlighten us,

  1. to His will,
  2. to know His passion and love, (His pleasure in finding what was lost)
  3. and the true purpose of His Church.

As the Parable of the Prodigal Son develops, we see the pharisees equated to the ‘grouchy’ older brother. He begrudges his newly returned brother, and he really can’t see what is happening all around him. The idea of grace eludes him. Perhaps that is far more common than we think. Whenever ‘religion’ exerts control over a person or group, duty is almost always elevated over joy.

The Church is only as relevant as when it’s seeking out the lost.

The Church is meant to extend to the lost ‘sons’ of Adam, and the ‘daughters’ of Eve. This is God’s passion, and we must find out what He wants us to do to share His heart. It’s almost as if He wants to give us a chance to taste His joy.

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