A few weeks ago in response to a poetics prompt to write about a first time for something, I thought of something that I have only done once, and am thankful I’ve never had happen again. But there are people who have had this happen so many times they maybe can’t even remember the first time.
My prayers are with them, my hope that they recognize the lie that suicide is the answer to pain and suffering and that our loved ones would be better off if we were dead.
Not Better Off Dead
Clearly I recall the first time the thought entered my mind They’d be better off if I was dead
I immediately knew it was wrong but still a method to my madness began to form in the recesses of my deeply troubled mind
I could picture the bottle of pills designed to make me better but could just as easily be my demise
Then they’d be free, I’d be free
The Psalmist wrote The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them That first time His angel was encamped around me
He delivered me from that first thought made me know it was wrong ensured it was the last time that thought ever entered my mind
Now we are free and together because the Lord let me know I was not better off dead
I write candid memoir and fearless poetry and delve into hard issues others tend to avoid. I want you to know God’s redemption and healing are just a story away.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”
Matthew 5:8
“The righteous shall move onward and forward; those with pure hearts shall become stronger and stronger.”
Job 17:9
We live in a time when impurity threatens many men and women. Pornography is easily accessible in our generation. The internet is flooded with sites that’ll hurt believers. It will ruin our relationship with our heavenly Father. It affects our marriages and destroys our connection with others.
There is intense guilt that comes from using porn.
It covers us with a shame that hurts us deep inside, something detrimental to intimacy with our spouses, family, or friends, and as well with other believers. We’re guilty of hidden sin. Satan uses it to further isolate the Christian.
Porn causes us to be secretive. We want to hide it from others. We learn how to delete “cookies” on our computers. We want to hide the things we are doing. We must understand that using porn becomes addicting, it’s sort of crack cocaine to our spirits.
Masturbation is common to those viewing pornography.
Our view of naked men or women in sexual acts objectifies them. Subconsciously we start to evaluate our closest relationships. We compare others to the things we see.
It’s addictive. We can’t imagine life without it.
It seperates us from others. It begins to isolate us.
We have a secret life, hidden and masked.
Porn is easy to find, and it latches itself in our minds and hearts.
It often leads us into further and deeper perversions.
We see others as objects, not people who God loves.
It often leads one into a life of hypocrisy and deception.
Porn can lead one into masturbation and wrong relationships with others.
It weakens our God-ordained relationship with our spouses.
Viewing porn is a form of adultery.
We start to compare our spouse to the things we’ve seen.
It instills us with guilt and shame. It will destroy your discipleship.
The time we spend in porn can be better used for the Word, worship and prayer.
It desensitifies our relationship with God’s Spirit.
There’s so much more that can be added to this list. But this dear one is just a start. Perhaps you’ll discover more that should be added.
“I have made a covenant with my eyes. How then could I look at a young woman?”
Job 31:1
“Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.”
Philippians 4:8
Only the Spirit of holiness can make an impure heart pure. However, we must do the ‘leg work” and make it to free ourselves from this sin. Our minds and hearts are our battlefields. To recognize this constantly is necessary. We must take solid steps to take the victory He gives. I realize that the demonic forces are very intense, but God’s power is far stronger.
Your desire to be pure is evidence of God’s care and grace.
If you’re struggling it’s really helpful to share your problem with someone you trust. Becoming accountable will help. Please don’t be afraid of being judged. Quit lying to yourself (and others) that you can overcome this on your own. You can’t hide it any longer.
If you wish you can contact Linda or me. If anything we can pray.
“Can a man embrace fire and his clothes not be burned?”
“God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.”
Psalm 46:1-2, NLT
“Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking…But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me.”
Psalm 55:5, 16
Apparently, David understood what we now call a “panic attack.” (He sure wasn’t the first, and he sure won’t be the last.) David understands the shaking and fear that wanted to eat him up. David’s entire life seems to go from crisis-to-crisis-to-crisis. This pattern surely contributes to a deep anxiety.
What is a panic attack like?
My own experience with a panic attack is similar to what he must’ve felt. I start shaking and feel a pressing anxiety. The trembling gets very intense, I feel like death is imminent and my heart races. A feeling of doom often accompanies this. I feel like I’m drowning (not in water, but in pure fear.)
When I first started having them they were absolutely overwhelming; I had no idea what they were. They are pretty scary. For me they seem to happen once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less.
They improve my prayer life, and perhaps, that is their sole purpose. IDK.
Mayo Clinic put out a list of symptoms:
Chills
Hot flashes
Nausea
Abdominal cramping
Pain
Headache
Dizziness, lightheadedness or faintness
Numbness or tingling sensation
Feeling of unreality or detachment
Mine typically last for 20-30 minutes. When I finally asked my doctor, she knew exactly what they were. There is no drug; the attack can only be treated by an awareness of what is happening. There is no cure for them and really no way to eliminate them completely. I was stuck with them. She told me to use small paper bag to ease the symptoms.
As a believer the panic attack needed to be brought under the lordship of Jesus Christ.
When an attack occurs it is time for me to “hunker down” and prepare for the coming storm. Since I know he is in charge, I become less anxious. (And that is a good thing.)
Educating myself has helped a lot. Just to know many others experience them is a real encouragement. The panic attack is quite common and much is known about it, the attack can be understood and even managed by understanding its true nature. Reading the Psalms really helps. I can so relate to King David.
I know that all that touches me is the Lord’s concern–I have no doubt about that.
“Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise.”
Proverbs 12:18, Message
Lately, I have grown skeptical of my own ability to give out sound counsel. For the most part I have refrained from doing so, lately, I introduce them to the wisdom and love of Jesus. It seems like a it’s a bit like a triangle– Jesus, them and myself–we each have a corner. All I do when I counsel someone is to help them see the Lord. Hopefully, once a dialogue has taken place I step back and let the supernatural happen.
Much of counseling is facilitating or creating an environment that you can gather information. Probably your friend feels that you and your surroundings are “safe” and he/she can open up in that situation. Almost all of the time, a certain level of confidentiality must exist and be understood as being “in place” even among peers.
A key fact is getting permission to counsel.This should happen in order for the counselee to really receive.
Job with his Friends
Usually when if I meet with someone, I don’t want to sound profound, or wise; I’m still trying to follow Jesus myself. I recognize the Holy Spirit gifts the un-gifted. But I’m also pretty much aware of my own short-comings. (I guess this can make me a better listener and not a talker?)
Remember that Job’s friends were at their best when silently sitting with him in the ash and rubble. At that moment, they were very effective counselors. The problem came when they verbally explain why Job’s personal disaster took place. Very often I find that people have a need to be needed. Some well-meaning believers give counsel so they can feel good about themselves.
I’m afraid there is a lot of Christian counseling out there that is sabotaged by this inherent flaw.
Part of speaking wisely to a friend must include the option that I might be totally off-the-wall! Whatever I say must not be “ex cathedra“, or as truth unchallenged. And just because I’m giving you counsel does not make me superior, wiser or more authoritative. It really should take as much humility to counsel, as it takes to be counseled. I can think of an easy dozen encounters that I’m embarrassed by– and will never be able to retract. Mistakes are made, but we should trust the Holy Spirit to use those missteps. He is sovereign.
Peer-to-peer counseling is very much a blessing. A great need exists in the church for this particular ministry. But to be a source of wisdom to another should be both a sobering, and a clarifying experience. To be a counselor can be quite dangerous, spiritually speaking, and I should not seek this place unless its thrust on me. A good counselor is almost always reluctant.
“If you young fellows were wise, the devil couldn’t do anything to you, but since you aren’t wise, you need us who are old.” Martin Luther
“If you have knowledge, let others light their candles at it.” Thomas Fuller
Broken Believers 