Circus performers have my enthusiastic admiration– especially the tightrope walkers! They move with such grace and courage. Their work above the crowds must be perfect, or else. I don’t even want to consider their failure. (I hope they can bounce).
To be a mentally ill or disabled Christian is just as formidable. We must walk out our condition 24/7, 365 days a year. It is relentless. We struggle with a weakness that pits us against symptoms and gravity of a spiritual kind. We get little support from others– sometimes criticism. It often is a very solitary feeling. We are often overlooked or scorned.
My particular rope is depression. Everyday I mount up and walk out on to it, holding my breath. I still fall a lot, but have a good safety net, and the Holy Spirit is my strength. Losing my balance happens. I pick myself up and climb up the ladder for another go at it.
“In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead. 10 And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us. 11 And you are helping us by praying for us.”
2 Corinthians 1:9-11, NLT
We must rely on God. It is His “job” to keep us, repeatedly. So day by day I “walk the line.” My meds are my balance pole, and I don’t need any special attention. I do whatever the day brings, and even that is from His hand.
“Unstable as water, you shall not have preeminence.”
Genesis 49:4
“And for those who live in the land where death casts its shadow, a light has shined”
Matthew 4:16
I’ve been down this road before. I’m not surprised by anything.
I guess this is my big issue with Bipolar Disorder (BP); its unpredictability, and the way you fluctuate. You get up in the morning and you immediately have to start analyzing your mood.
“Am I more depressed than I was yesterday, or I am speeding up?” Am I acting appropriately, or am I stepping out of line again?”
For B.P. people, we can never be totally sure about anything.
We are always in a state of flux or movement. As BPs who are believers in Jesus, it seems like we have broken every rule in the book, twice. This disorder almost always demands certain hypocrisy– which instills a lot of guilt and shame.
Almost 40 years ago, a visiting pastor to our church came up to me and told me that he had a word from God, especially for me. This was long before I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I can’t remember much, but I do recall him saying, “You are as unstable as water”.
But I can also see now that my instability has made me a deeper, more tolerant person.
I now give a lot of latitude to others’ shortcomings. I know how difficult it is to process life and face issues. Because I do this “yo-yo” thing, I can accept inconsistency as a normal part of life. I realize that I’m not perfect, nor is anyone else I know. I’m learning to make allowances for it.
Sometimes, just being aware is half the battle. And I’m starting to understand how God’s grace is given to others.
I’m learning to be gracious. I’m learning how to love, I think. Maybe this weakness is becoming a strength for me. I hope so.
“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”
I once admired the earrings my friend, Ann, was wearing – they were square, smooth, flat, and made of gold. When I remarked how beautiful they were, she replied, “They’re yours!” Ann then proceeded to take them off and put them on my ears! Humbled by her gift, the earrings became a treasure. Once while wearing them at work, one slipped off my ear – looked but couldn’t find it, so I wheeled to my office door to ask for help.
That’s when I felt a clunk-clunk-clunk. The earring was impaled on my tire; it was ruined! That weekend I took it to a jeweler and asked, “Sir, can you make this mangled earring look like the smooth one?” He rubbed his chin and said, “I can’t make that one look like this one… But I can make this one look like that one!” He then took a mallet and hammered the smooth, square earring into a mangled mess! At first I was horrified, but now I realize that the misshapen earrings reflect the light more beautifully than when they were ‘normal.’ It’s a lesson reflected in this timeless poem:
When God wants to drill a man, And thrill a man, and skill a man, When God wants to make a man To play the noblest part, When He yearns with all His heart To build so great and bold a man That all the world shall be amazed, Then watch His methods, watch His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects, Whom He royally elects; How He hammers him and hurts him, And with mighty blows converts him Into shapes and forms of clay Which only God can understand While man’s tortured heart is crying And he lifts beseeching hands…
Yet God bends but never breaks When man’s good He undertakes; How He uses whom He chooses, And with mighty power, infuses him, With every act induces him to try His splendor out, God knows what He’s about.
When you visit this site you will find a lot of helpful resources to some pretty useful materials on the disability needs on an international level.
Emails, Facebook, Podcasts, TV Series, and great teachings are just part of the daily ministries available. Anyone interested in being discipled with a strong disability emphasis not always heard anywhere else really should visit.
What do you regret? As a believer it is already forgiven.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future.”
~Fulton Oursler
Regret is something that can really damage our lives. My dictionary defines regret as, “to feel remorse for, or to feel sorrow over something.” It’s often a difficult emotion for us, resulting in a paralysis of sorts. It is the personal sorrow about one’s behavior in a certain situation, that can be overwhelming.
There will always be a deep sense of loss for “what could have been.”
I regret many things, it seems my mind works as an active recorder. Future life continues its relentless advance, and there is from the past a constant awareness of darkness, failure and sin. Because the future comes at me so fast, I never really have time to reflect on the past.
There are some who have no idea what I’m talking about.
I might as well be speaking Chinese. But there are others who will “spark” on what I have just stated. Regret for many of us, is savage and bitter.
Not a day goes by when the voice of darkness doesn’t speak to us. My thinking is that it may be more reasonable to take a baseball bat across your femurs, and dealing with broken legs, than handling regret that has gone vicious and viral.
We think “about what could have been.” We imagine life without regret, of things we might have done not having this dark burden. However, these possible choices are things we can never be sure of.
In my younger days I dreamed of attending college, and then going to seminary. I really thought that I wanted to be a pastor, in some small Lutheran church in the Midwest. But this would never happen. It was just an aspiration, a dream. And it wasn’t reality (even though I wish it had been).
I assure you there are far more nastier and blacker regrets, there are things of which I am profoundly ashamed. But my point is this, they exist, they do unsettle us, and the present moment is corrupted by my past behavior.
I once read an interview with a prominent psychiatrist. He said something that connected with me. “Over 80% of mentally ill patients could be released from treatment if they only understand that they were forgiven.”
Regrets can be so strong, and so crippling that we will sometimes try to destroy ourselves.
You are not unique or alone. There are millions of sincere Christian believers who face what you are facing.
“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”
1 Cor. 10:13, NLT
I must tell you that there is a spiritual war. Satan is the enemy of our souls. He will bring to your mind fear and confusion. In scripture, he is called “the accuser of the brethren.” He has a diabolical ministry to bring you down. He operates out of pure hatred.
He will never show you any mercy.
We must develop a more scriptural method of wrapping up our minds in God’s Word. It stops and deadens the spiritual radiation from the enemy. The Word has tremendous power to halt the enemies attack. The only way to survive all of this is to dress up yourself in spiritual armor.
“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.”
